My husband cheated on me when we were dating... he gets so mad if I ask about it?

[Anonymous]

He cheated on me when we were in a long-distance relationship and we weren't that serious. he slept with a girl one night... he told me what happened a few months later by which point we were much more serious. he said he would never have done it if he'd known we'd be this serious... now we are married! it's been 2 years since it happened... but I still can't forget it. it really bugs me and when I think about it I get really upset. I told my husband I don't think I'll ever fully get over it, I'll certainly never forget about it. but I love him and I truly believe he would never do it now. our circumstances were much different back then. but occasionally I'll ask him a question (like today) for example, "you promise you just did it the one time?" or "what was her name?" or "what did she look like?"... it's really not that often. but he gets so mad and tells me just to get over it. it's so annoying/childish to keep asking about it he says... maybe it is, but I just feel like he was the one who slept with another girl, he should learn to deal with the consequences. it's not like I talk about it all the time, but he can handle the odd question once every few months or so, and just be happy I got over it enough to stay with him. eventually it'll get better I know, but I think it's normal to want to ask questions. I'm jealous, obviously, which I'm trying with difficulty to help. but instead of getting angry, he should just give me an honest answer and leave it at that rather then turn it into an argument. maybe I'm wrong but this is just how I feel...

[selfishstars]

Okay. At some point after this happened, you decided to "forgive" him and try to move past it. You decided that your feelings for your husband and what the two of you have together is more important than the fact that he had sex with another woman in the beginning stages of your relationship---to the point where you decided that you wanted to marry him and spend your life with him.

I understand that it still bothers you and you're still upset about it, but here's the thing: every time you bring it up, you're hurting your husband, yourself, and your relationship.

Try to think of a time that you've done something that hurt someone you care about and regretted it. It doesn't have to be cheating, just anything. Now imagine that years later, that person keeps asking you for more details about that thing you did that hurt them. It's basically saying, "Tell me more about that time you really f***ed up and hurt me." How horrible would you feel? How long do you plan on making him pay for what he did when presumably you've told him you forgive him and are willing to move past this?

Further, it's not good for YOU. I understand how not knowing all the details can drive you crazy. If it were me, I'd probably build it up to be a way bigger deal than it really was (in terms of things like, imagining she was super-model hot and that it was the best sex he ever had, etc.), when in reality, it was probably just some average sex with an average girl. For me, knowing the details would probably make me feel bad---but still better than what my imagination would come up with; for other people, knowing the details would be heart-wrenchingly painful. My advice is that if you REALLY need to know the details and you genuinely think that will help you move on, then tell your husband, "Let me ask you these questions about it, and after that, I will never bring it up again." (And then ask your questions and DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN).

Because the thing is, if you want a happy relationship with your husband, you cannot keep hanging this over his head. How long do you plan on rubbing his nose in it until you feel satisfied and can move on? You need to put this behind you so that you and your husband can focus on having a happy future together. What's done is done and there's nothing that can change that. There's no question you can ask or detail you can know that's going to make it go away. The only thing that can lessen the pain is if you put it behind you and start moving forward.

[Asker]

best answer.. thanks. you gave me some perspective and you're right...

[selfishstars]

No problem, I hope you can work things out. :)

[tanhira]

If you go on Youtube, one professor said that the happiest time is on your wedding day and then it goes down and up and down but will never be the same as the wedding day. Unfortunately, you don't have enough trust in him and unfortuately for him, he is reminded of the "one" time every once in a while. If you can't move on, then you need therapy or couple sessions because if you push someone over and over and over. Telling them that they made a mistakes, they will start think you are their mistake. If you date him and was also in love with your best friend at the time and you thought they maybe you could go somewhere with your boyfriend and it turns out that you really liked your boyfriend. Then OK, problem solve you realized then that your boyfriend is the one you want to marry and not your best friend. He was probably like that but without much emotion (maybe just sex). You both need to work it out. All I know is if you keep pushing people (and things in the past can't be change) eventually they will get tired and start wondering away... Just my two cents.

[tohrment]

" he was the one who slept with another girl, he should learn to deal with the consequences"

No. YOU were the one that chose to forgive him and marry him, so YOU deal with the consequences. You either have to let it go, or let him go. It's not fair on either of you to keep bringing it up and rubbing it in his face. You want him to be grateful that you forgave him etc, which is unreasonable. You made a decision and now you have to live up to it.

And trust me, you're better off not knowing. "I truly believe he would never do it now". Then leave it be. How does knowing the details make it any better? You're just trudging up these old issues and bringing them into the present.

[Asker]

like I said to a guy above.. I did break up with him initally but for a few hours, he kept calling me loads of times and when I eventually answered he told me he was gonna kill himself. he taken a bike and he said he was gonna crash it... it was crazy talk, so I told him to go home, calm down and we could talk... and we did.

[tohrment]

So have you forgiven him? Do you really think he wouldn't do it again? Do you think he was completely honest with you? Do you trust him?

[Asker]

and when we did, I told him I wasn't going to get over it ever fully. I can't remember how the conversation went exactly, but he convinced me it would never happen again and he loved me, so I stayed with him and our relationship is going great except for the odd question that I can't help bringing up once in a while.

[tohrment]

It's obvious that you'll never be okay with the cheating, but at the end of the day you can't build a life and family with one another if you aren't willing to trust him wholeheartedly and put that stage of your lives behind you. Whenever you want to ask a question about it, just think to yourself "I love him, and I've forgiven him. I trust that he will never do that to me again" and don't say it. Just move on.

[Asker]

i'm not sure he was completely honest with me, he said the girl was staying with one of his friends in town for a few days, and he went to eat with them and she asked him if he wanted to meet up again while his friend was in the bathroom. they did, had a few beers, went to a park, slept together and then they left. and never saw each other again. I'm not sure that he's telling me the truth about what really happened, which is maybe why I keep asking abou but I trust he wouldn't cheat on me now.

[Asker]

but I guess your right...

[tohrment]

At the end of the day, knowing makes absolutely no difference. However, the fact that you can't trust him makes a massive difference. If you really think he was (and is) dishonest, maybe you aren't right for one another.

[BoobMan]

Back at you. Good answer. Agree with all of it. Also love the new profile shot!

[tohrment]

:D

[BoobMan]

You must get TONS of free stuff! ;-)

[tohrment]

I wish :(

[BoobMan]

Really? No? That's surprising!

[tohrment]

Way to rub it in :(

[BoobMan]

Actually, to be honest this is kind of more your problem than his. When you found out that he cheated on you back in the day, you had a choice at that point: forgive him and move on with your life together (after you get really upset, ask tons of questions, and make him feel like crap about it) or dump his cheating butt. You chose to move on. The time for all of these questions and discussions about this was when it happened. Or you could've said, "I'll forgive you but I won't move on and I'll bring this up for the rest of our lives together whenever I'm not feeling good about us or just randomly from time to time." Then HE'D have had the choice of staying with you knowing what the future would look like or leaving.

[tohrment]

This^

[Asker]

you're kind of right... but to be fair, my first reaction was "we can't be together anymore"... and I did break up with him... for a few hours. but he kept calling me (25 times) and when I eventually answered, he told me he was going to kill himself... so I told him to go home and then we could talk. and we did... and we stayed together.

[NerdInDenial]

If you keep focusing on the past, you'll forget to live in the present. This is hurting your husband and will only drive him further away from you. Think about the bigger picture. Even though he slept with the other person, he chose you. He could have left you, and he could have dated the other girl. However, he didn't; he gave you everything that he has by marrying you. What more do you want?

[Asker]

well if your asking me what I want, I want him NOT to have cheated on me, but I can't change that. the girl was a friend of his friends, she was staying for a few days in town and she asked to go out with him. they went out one night, had a few beers and went to a park. they did it, and after they left, and he never saw her again. according to him

[NerdInDenial]

You can't change the past. Focus on the present. If you keep on pushing this issue, he'll either cheat again or leave.

[Asker]

so you think it's a possibility that he would cheat again?

[selfishstars]

QA: Well, if you keep bringing it up, even if you aren't saying it out right, you're more or less drilling in the message: "You're a cheater. You're a cheater. You're a cheater." For some people, that can leave them feeling, "Well, if that's what she thinks of me anyway, what's the difference?"

[LoveLayne]

Trust issues! Maybe he thought you got over it, and he gets upset because you keep bringing it up and not letting it go. Maybe he feels that if it bothered you so much that you have to interview him about it then you wouldn't have married him.. either forgive and let go (doesn't mean you forget but let it go) or either you keep up with it and he ends up leaving you.

[nicenthic]

Most likely, he slept with her more than just one time. When is the last time a guy slept with a girl just once. And that is probably why he doesn't want you to ever bring it up. Because he just wants the past to go away.

[Asker]

uhh a one-night stand maybe?

[joshuaty2010]

Learn to move on. forgive and forget about it. Don't let that situation can ruin your relationship with your husband. If I were you I show my love on him everyday so he will feel that he he did a right decision to marry you.