Boyfriend's ex girlfriend hangs out with his mother. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Don't know if this normal, but it makes me uneasy since his ex looked for him quite often some time ago. Now he tells me his ex meets his mother from time to time. Is this normal? Meeting your ex-mother in law for a casual coffee?

Other facts:

I've been with my boyfriend for one year and a half.

My boyfriend broke up with this girl 4 years ago.

I'm in good terms with my mother in law, just don't see her often.

We had many problems, fights and discussions because of his ex's neediness for several months until she got off his back.

[cazza3]

Not something I have any personal experience of but a very good friend of mine still goes shopping, calls in for tea, buys and receives Xmas birthday presents etc from her ex's mother. To me it does seem a little strange but my friend lost her mother when she was 18 from a long terminal illness, her ex has no sisters so they may be finding solace in each other having the mother/daughter relationship neither of them really ever had before. Her fiance doesn't have any problem with it but when she told the ex's mother she was getting married there were tears of devestation because themother always presumed and hoped her son and my friend would end up back together. To me, its not the healthest relationship in the world but then I've never been in that position.

[Asker]

Yes, that's what I feel. I feel his mom does wonder if someday they'll get back together. my boyfriend thinks this is very strange, and more even when we've had many fights because this other girl longed for him after they broke up and still.some time ago called.him on the phone a lot. He told her to stay away and she did, but he didn't know his mom sees this girl "casually". Makes me uncomfortable

[cazza3]

Its natural to feel uncomfortable with it but you can't let it interfere with your relationship. Your boyfriend cannot control who is in his mothers life and who she spends time with. She can expect them to get back together all she wants, its you who controls that. By letting her come between you two she is suceeding in having an affect on your relationship which you shouldn't let her have. It is out of your and your boyfriends control.

[Asker]

You are very right about not letting this affect me. It is just painful sometimes you know? I've acquired many insecurities because of this girl and my boyfriend knows this. In my head it's even more difficult to grow a possible relationshp with his mother, because there is this other girl. Probably that's what I fear the most, like I'm at a disadvantage here.

[cazza3]

Try not to let it become a competition. He has choosen you, what his mother does is up to her. Let her take you as she finds you, trying to force a relationship or force his ex out of the picture isn't going to work, afterall who's to say that even if the ex wasn't around you'd have a good relationship with his mother anyway. Just look at her as some chick his mother gets along with, try not to think ofher as an ex

[EmpressMe]

I think it's slightly inappropriate. Depending on how mature his mom is, if she has a problem with you or doesn't click with you she could be running back to his ex and letting her know. If his ex is the scandalous type of female and she wants to get back together with him, then she might take that as her cue to move in. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

[Asker]

I think his mom is mature enough, but the girl's behavior has brought us many fights and near break ups. That's also why I think it's odd thia girl insists con staying close somehow. I wouldn't be looking for the exboyfriend's mom to chat, knowing I have caused trouble in his personal life.

[EmpressMe]

I think it's really strange and it seems like it could put a strain on a possible relationship you would want to develop and grow with your boyfriend's mother.

[Asker]

You're right, I hadn't thought about it that way. I seldom get to see his mom, just twice this year actually, so it's difficult.

[whattothink]

I used to hang with my first serious boyfriends mom after we broke up, seems I got along better with her than him. Plus his brother and friends, but he had moved by that time. Just because you break up doesn't mean you break all the bonds you had before hand. In fact I was bff with his bro for 14 years and almost married him till he screwed me over.

[Asker]

How did your ex feel about this? About you talking to his mom? And if he jad other girlfriends, how did it go?

[whattothink]

I honestly don't know. It was a bad breakup and he and I cut off all communication. Plus like I said he moved out and everyone knew to not talk about him around me. His mother did consider me the daughter she never had though and loved me alot. She stills asks about me to this day and he was my high school boyfriend.

[Distant]

My brother's ex is now friends with our mother. We both think it's strange as f***kkkk.

[Asker]

Yeah, like... what for?

[Distant]

Just to hang out and talk like the usual chattering of women.

[coolguy1989]

You're becoming controlling. His mother is allowed to hang out with whomever she wants

[Asker]

Controlling how? I don't control who my boyfriend hangs out with, let alone controlling who his mom talks to. Given that his ex didn't let go of him after they broke up, (and years have passed) wouldn't you think this is not "normal"? Other answers here are from people who've been there, so evidently you don't know what it feels like to be on either side.

[coolguy1989]

Experience doesn't matter...and your insecureness has lead you to asking this question which in turn has caused you to be contolling. good day!

[Asker]

Well of course. his mom has called.me by the other girls's name before and can't help the comparisons. And yes, experience matters! Else how do you really understand?

[coolguy1989]

Just because I haven't experienced god...doesn't mean I don't believe he's non existent. I'm Jewish and I believe god exists even though I've never experienced him..sometimes, experience isn't needed to do something