Cheated on my boyfriend and feel terrible, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been together since we were sixteen, he's the love of my life, we lost our virginity to each other and want to stay together forever, but I've been an idiot and on a night out I had sex with one of his friends. I decided to tell my boyfriend to show him that I'm being honest with him but he broke down and started crying and looking really sad. He was asking ME not to leave HIM, when I thought he would be the one to leave me. I knew I'd broken his heart and betrayed him but I was okay to live with the guilt till I regained his trust but we were lying in bed last night holding each other before going to sleep and I could hear him crying trying to keep it silent, I feel so awful, I hate that I've hurt him like this, what should I do now that's best for him?

Updates

+1 y

Found stuff in the bathroom, really worried he might be self harming again.

Updates

+1 y

He's still hurting, won't talk to his friend, neither will I, I'm doing my best guys.

[Brando]

Be sure to talk to him so he can vent out what's on his mind. It's important not to allow him to keep anything from you concerning this because it could turn into something irrational for him. What that means is that if he has some kind of doubt, some kind of question, painful feelings, etc...it should not be allowed to bounce around in his head for him to stress over it and get blown up into something it isn't. "The truth shall set you free"

It may be uncomfortable, but I feel he deserves to know answers from you as to why you did it, what you felt/feel, what you two want to do from here (split vs. make up), and what you're willing to do to work with him about these problems that have been caused by this. It is your responsibility to be proactive about fixing things since it was your actions that caused it. This doesn't mean that he needs to stone you to death (metaphorically) or abuse you over this, but you have some trust to earn back. Simply put, it's your responsibility to earn it back with him.

[Asker]

I'll talk to him but he's pretty sensitive emotionally as it is, he's self harmed in the past and had a pretty bad upbringing and I just really wanted to be something good in his life and I feel like I've blown it and hurt him again.

[Brando]

He does sound sensitive if he somehow felt like apologizing to you after this. Really, you need to ask him what it is that you can do and respect whatever it is.

I would also agree with the answer below me. Actions most of the time, if not always, trump words. It's hard to believe someone telling you something after they've hurt you. You know they're capable of it. It'll take time and communication if you both want to get through it and be as normal as possible.

[Asker]

I'm willing to give as long as it takes for his trust again, but I do feel like it will take a long time given his sensitivity and the fact that he possibly has trust issues as it is, I'm not sure how you tell if someone does?

[Brando]

What does he do?

[Asker]

When?

[Brando]

Before, to make you think he has trust issues?

[Asker]

His dad used to beat him and he was sexually abused as a child, he's often very insecure and it took him months to really believe that I loved him in the first place. He's a hilarious confident guy at first but when you get to know him and spend more time with him you can see he's kind of hurt by the past.

[Brando]

Then knowing him closely like that, you can bet that stuff will play into how he feels about all this. I'd say start off with asking him if he'd like to get anything off his chest, talk about anything, or if there is anything he'd like from you.

[PhilaPenn]

Wait...you cheated on him...and he begged you not to leave him? Wow. You effed up pretty bad. If it were me, I'd kick you to the curb. But you have an exceptionally understanding guy, all you can do is try to prove yourself to him, prove that you are worthy of his trust. Usually I would ridicule the kid for crying like that, but I actually really feel bad for him. The kid actually LOVES you.

[Asker]

I know he loves me, I feel like a terrible person.

[PhilaPenn]

Hey. You're young, consider it a learning experience. Now you know how your actions can effect other people. Frankly, in H.S. girls cheat on their boyfriends more often. Then guys flip the script later in life. Learn from it. Be willing to do what it takes to make it up to him.

[PhilaPenn]

what idiot would give me thumbs down for that?

[bruvleigh]

think it was the kicking to the curb comment, some people just don't get that you don't actually physically mean kicking a girl till she falls down to the curb... this IS the internet lol

[PhilaPenn]

Wow, didn't realize I needed to explain

[Needtoask]

I got cheated on and found out 6 months ago... I am still crying myself to sleep... My partner also assures me that he loves me and wants to be with me. He is desperate since he also does not know what more to do. I can just tell you: try to re-assure your boyfriend as much as you can, that you want to be with him. Do not try to avoid the topic... he thinks about it all the time anyways... you are not reminding him of it. It just proofs that you really care about his well being if you ask him how he is etc. When I feel sad my boyfriend often can't even look at me because he knows that it is his fault and he feels bad to touch me etc. But I am trying to tell him that even though he was the one hurting me it still feels good getting hugged by him. Try to support him as much as you do and show him through small gesutres throughout the day that you think about him (texts, sending pics etc). How is everything going now?

[Anonymous]

You made a big mistake. But that doesn't mean you two can't get past it. I was cheated on, and we decided to move past it. We still have our typical relationship issues, but we're happy. We moved on. Like you, we lost our virginity to each other, and that automatically creates a HUGE bond between you. I understand it sucks, but it will get better if both of you work at it. Just be aware that it won't be dropped. When he gets mad or upset, he'll probably bring it up. It's not something that goes away quickly. Give it time. If you both work together, you'll make it through. Also keep in mind that you two are young. So that could also be working against you.

[Babyklee66]

Wow okay it was wrong! But he a keeper ! Don't do it again ! Make sure you show him he the only one for you , speak to him , let him know he should not be begging for you not to leave him it should be the other way round .

[Asker]

I know it should be, the fact that he thought I was going to leave him has made me feel worse.

[bruvleigh]

well as much as I hate to say it... your now the man in the relationship, looking after him, being there to fruitlessly TRY and prove that you DO love him blah blah wah wah wah cry cry cry



With that in mind, if you were willing, drunk or not, to cheat

AND

if HE is so needy that he doesn't even get angry at you, I mean c'mon guys get angry don't they?

AND

if he is so needy that he's BEGGING you not to leave and has started to hurt himself over it

then as much as id LIKE to shout at you through the screen and tell you THAT YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT YOU DAFT CHEATING WHORE, YOU BROKE THE POOR BASTARDS HEART.

as much as I would LIKE to say that I have to realize that you do realize you did wrong, and my advice would be to leave him. You are not there as a women to hold him together and constantly be a reminder that you are a selfish little brat. he is supposed to care for YOU and support YOU and in return you support him in not being a selfish little brat and stay faithful

WOOPS that's gone to pot hasn't it. It won't work out, trust issues can't just resolve with "I promise I won't do it again"

the fact that you did it once against his wishes shows that you will probably do it again. and even if he is begging you to stay, THIS STILL APPLIES. only in this case he will be waiting for it to happen again...

Leave him and find someone who you not only WANT to stay faithful to but CAN stay faithful to, oh and tell someone about the self harming, someone needs to see to that sh*t

[asdaven]

Support him. Convince him you love him and regain his trust and be there for him. You really did a good thing by telling him. Many people would just keep a secret and that almost makes it a double wrong. The act of cheating and thwn being dishonest. Personally, id rather know stuff than no matter how hurtful then find out I was lied to when it comes out later. Cheating is wrong, but you handled the best possible way by telling him, just make sure you don't do it again. I wouldn't leave him. If you love him and care about him, work hard to make it right. You did something hurtful to him. It is his call if the relationship continues or not, not yours, unless you like the other guy better but that doesn't sound like the case. I know some people are saying to end it but dont. Because what that does is your just choosing to end it because you made a mistake and are too lazy and irresponsible to make things right, that you walk away just because that's what's easier. That's so typical. Don't be like that , if you care about him, make things right. He chose to give you a second chance, prove yourself to him. Maybe he is needy or he loves you so much that is so strong that he forgave you for this .

[Blobb]

It takes an exceptional person to take a knife in the back and truly forgive the perpetrator for it. I reckon his reaction is just needy. He probably feels betrayed and doesn't want to be with you anymore but he doesn't want to loose you and be alone.Most of us aren't cut from the same cloth as Jesus. He will probably try to forgive you for it, but it will probably turn into resentfulness and jealousy. Maybe even love-hate. That's super unhealthy.

You messed up, most of the time this deep betrayal of trust is irreparable. Honestly I think the biggest favour to him would be to explain why you did what you did, to apologize, then leave him and never contact him again so he can get over you. Also tell him to get a new friend, his one is a really sh*tty friend.

That said, if you actually have it in you to understand why you did what you did and to change your behavior . Then maybe you guys have a chance. He can forgive you if your actions show that you've actually changed and that you're trustworthy. But unless you do the hard work that's required there, you're only going to hurt him over and over.

That's my 2 cents.

[Prof_Don]

You made the mistake, imo THE biggest mistake you can do in a relationship.

But I'm not here to grill you; I'm here to help.

The main thing you must must MUST do is examine yourself and figure out why you made the choice to betray your commitment to your partner, and give your body sexually to another guy.

Were you feeling neglected by your boyfriend at all? Is he "letting hinself go" and isn't as attractive to you as he used to be? Has he been distant? Have you been feeling sexually dissatisfied? Are you feeling "bored" or "trapped" in this relationship and looking for some sort of excitement?

Were you mad at him for some reason and sleptbwith friend as some sort of "revenge"?

Are you simply not built for a monogamous relationship at this time and want to "play the field" to explore yiur sexuality/intimacy with other guys?

----

The possible reasons are endless, but my point is, blowing off your big error by just saying "I was an idiot" without addressing the deeper issue behind that action, you very well can do the same mistake AGAIN!...

...

...and I know you don't want that. Seeking your internal darkness behind said actions, I must admit, is emotionally scary. But this is the only way to learn from your mistake.

[timon821]

You can only grill Bieber.

[Anonymous]

Well, it's very likely that you have irreparably damaged his trust. You can gradually regain some trust in him over time, but future warning... he may never get it back. He might even get resentful and jealous. Just figured you should know.

As for what you can do. I'd say nothing. I mean you could say a lot of words, and over time you could gradually try to make it clear to him that you made the mistake, but you will never make it again, but again, just words. All you can really do is just try to assure him you're not leaving, however if he ever changes his mind and wants to leave, himself, you're willing to accept that.

Anyway, yeah it's all just words, but that's all you really got. Maybe over time, your words and actions will show him how serious you are, and that you want to make things just right. Still I wouldn't get my hopes up. Hopefully this experience will prevent you from ever doing such a stupid, selfish and immature thing every again.

Good luck. You'll certainly need it.

[Asker]

Is there anything I can do to ease his pain for the moment and let him know I love him? Cause I do I was just really stupid.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know. This isn't the kind of thing you can generally fix. I guess you could hold him. Kiss him. Something. As I said, this isn't really something you can fix.

[Asker]

I will yeah I just really hope I can mend things.

[Opinion Owner]

"He is, you wouldn't know. I was drunk, it was stupid, he's more attractive than his friend anyway. It just hurt me hearing him that upset and not knowing what to do."

Maybe she does know. Maybe she doesn't. I can't say. What I can tell you is that I would know.

[Opinion Owner]

Seriously, I'm sure you don't want to hear criticism, but really that was a stupid thing to do. He hurt you? Not a good excuse. You were drunk? Not a good excuse either. What? Can you guarantee not to drink again? If not, how can you can you possibly guarantee you won't do this the next time you drink? Or for that matter, the next time you're feeling hurt?

[Opinion Owner]

Between that, and the fact that you pointed out his friend isn't even as good looking, he has absolutely no assurance that you won't do this again.

[Asker]

Except that I've said I won't, you've never met me.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't have to. I bet you never thought you'd cheat before, but you did. Plus I've seen many repenting cheaters in my time, and one thing I've noticed is this. Cheaters almost never change as easily as you seem to be projecting. So, forgive me, if I don't take your word on it, but I've seen this before.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm not trying to tear you down.

I am trying to make a point to you.

My point is that you have one hell of a lot to do to make this right, and even then, it never will be. Trying to take this blot off your record, will be like trying to take piss out of a pool. Once it's in there, it's in there. Trying to make it up to your boyfriend will not be easy. This will be a path that is unbeaten and all uphill.

[Opinion Owner]

He is going to have a hard time trusting you. He is going to have a hard time letting this go. He has nothing to assure him that you won't do it again, but your word, and looking at the facts, it's not very reassuring.

[Opinion Owner]

Seriously though, take a look at those questions I asked again...

Can you guarantee not to drink again?

If not, how can you can you possibly guarantee you won't do this the next time you drink?

Or for that matter, the next time you're feeling hurt?

These are important questions that you should have answers for, because even if they haven't occurred to him now, I guarantee they will occur to him later, and by then, simply telling him "Because I said so" will NOT cut it to ease his mind.

[Asker]

I love him. I do, I'd marry him if he asked... wait do you think I should ask him to marry me to like maybe give him some security?

[Opinion Owner]

What's more than that, is that there will always be more questions. There will always be doubt. So if you want to ease his troubled mind, you had better come up with answers. You need to do a lot of thinking. Actually think. Don't say "Because I said won't" because that will not help forever. It won't even help for long, if at all.

[Opinion Owner]

No. See, marriage will not fix the problem. The questions will still be there. Married people can still cheat.

[Opinion Owner]

See what I mean about words?

[Opinion Owner]

Self harm, too?

[Opinion Owner]

Any more ideas of what you're going to do?

[yopyopyop]

What should you do now that would be the best for him ?

You should swear to him on everything that is sacred to you that it will never happen again.

But more importantly, you shouldn't let it happen again. Because you have damaged his trust to a point you don't even seem to apprehend.

I know you are still young, but if the guy is seriously the love of your life, I can't even understand why you did this to him. Being drunk or being stupid is a partial explanation, but it's not an excuse.

Women who are deeply in love wouldn't even consider another guy, drunk or not.

The fact he felt so bad about this, and not in a retaliating mood, is because he is really in love with you, so he was submerged by sadness. But he will probably think about it later, and who knows what is going to happen.

[yopyopyop]

Update : Really worried ? But it's just the consequences of your action... Really guilty, really sorry... maybe, but really worried, you had to think about that before doing whatever.

[Asker]

HIM SELF HARMING IS NOT MY FUJJING FAULT!

[yopyopyop]

Of course is it. Since he had stopped, and did start again just after you did what you did. I'm starting to believe you have the brain of a brick.

[Yellowsmurf]

Of course it's your fault. You broke him.

[Asker]

I broke hiim?

[Yellowsmurf]

Pretty much.

[kholland65]

Yep no recovering now. Especially at your age. You f***ed up good. You can kiss this relationship goodbye, it won't happen over night, but it will fail eventually.

I also hate to say it but I find the both of you immature for a variety of reasons.

Your under 18 and acting like since you've been dating since 16, you guys are sole mates. That's less than 2 years.

You cheated on him with his friend, nuff said.

He got cheated on and is begging YOU not to leave him.

Your speaking about being together FOREVER when your only 17 at best.

Immaturity. Obviously I can't speak as much for him as I can you, but it sounds like to me you are not ready to be in a relationship. You need to do some self searching and growing up before you can handle a serious relationship, otherwise you will risk screwing up and hurting more feelings again.

[kholland65]

Update: well on the bright side, I don't think you'll be cheating ever again. Some people just have to learn the hard way. They must fall before they can get up. Others just climb straight to the top. Clearly you are the former.

[Rainman3769]

I would say if you really care about him, let him go. Judging by what you wrote originally and how you have responded to other posters I could see this happening again in the future. Frankly I am surprised he didn't break up with you over this and no matter what anyone says, no amount of alcohol would "make" you do something you wouldn't be willing to do sober on some level.

Plus am I the only one who is utterly horrified at the women who said this guy was a keeper because he didn't dump her? So. . . . what? A guy is a keeper if he has NO self respect and will let you commit infidelity? Is that the new standard? So sad. . .

[godfatherfan]

If you cheated on him then don't say you love him. If you loved him you would never had cheated.
To do it with a friend of his... if it truly is a friend.. you will never have your relationship back. As soon as he gets past this hurt he is feeling he will probably finally toss you to the curb as he should have already done.
Once a cheater always a cheater. It is the most disgusting thing you can do to a person in a relationship (obviously short of rape but that is not a relationship). you should have broken up with him if you needed another guys cock in you. what a disgusting human being.
Do him a favor and pack your shit up and leave him alone. he can never trust you again ever. so move on to the next guy you will cheat on.

[smokersoul]

Seems like he really loves you and that's what caused him a great hurt. Do this, keep it simple, act normal, don't complicate. First apologize and tell him it was a bad idea that came out of your very own mind and you're not going to repeat the same again. Love him the way you always did, be normal, nothing more nothing less. Keep this going for a while, you guys have a great probability of making it out again but if he can't get over it, which I don't think will happen as he loves you, leave him, will be better for both of you.

[madhatters4]

well you took the first step you were honest and dealt with what came. Now you just have to be the best girlfriend you can be. Be extra honest, loving, patient, kind, etc, etc. You're going to have to deal with the fact that he may go through a lot of different emotions. He may be fine about it one moment, sad about it at another and mad the next.

For me I couldn't ever get over being cheated on BUT I also didn't have girlfriends responsible enough to come tell me honestly (I always had to find out for myself through rumors and bull).

Good luck going forward. Just try to support him regardless because he probably feels really abandoned and if you can just be there for him (in whatever way that is) it will go a long way towards mending the issue

[Dutchman009]

Man; I am going through something similar as well, so I know how he feels . Right now his confidence and self esteem has been shattered, even though he didn't committ the act ; at least you admitted promptly and accepted responsibility for your actions . Stay close to him but, also do not smother him either cause Then he might push you away . My suggestion is to set him down and tell him it wasn't his fault and that it was an very ill conceived idea; and tell him the truth about how you feel about what you Did to him . I know that is going to be very difficult and that is not a understatement . Shit , tell him that you are commited to earning his trust and ask for his forgiveness . I am pretty sure,r that you can earn his trust. Just tell him that you will not play him in that manner anymore .

[Konnour]

At least you feel guilt so there's some resemblance of humanity within you, as many people who cheat don't have even the slightest regret...

He started crying? That's... unusual for a guy, but it's better (and safer) for YOU, as if I'd be in his place I'd explode in anger.

So, what's the best for him? Leave him, right now. You cannot glue back a broken glass, it will never be the same again, it will never be what he wants and expects. And make this quick, so as sooner you do the right thing, then he will have more time to get over you and to get over the pain of your betrayal.

[Rainman3769]

self harming AGAIN? Get off your computer and immediately tell his parents/your parents/teacher/police, anyone. Seriously, I mean it, these things should NEVER be taken lightly. Your question about you cheating is no longer important. If you care about him you need to make sure if he really is self-harming it gets addressed NOW.

[Asker]

The cheating matters...

[Rainman3769]

It matters but not more than him hurting himself, tell someone now. Please.

[Catvshuman]

It's true. Someone needs to know

[Anonymous]

what the f***in hell is you peoples proplem seriously wtf you propely have the best boyfrined ever in the world what these other foos wouldve done if they was him. I've been in your spot this girl I loved since we were little and she was adoring and the best in the world but ii was more into other stuff that I shouldn't had been doing. we had kinda same things toghether but I never trried anything on her. anyways you got to understand his life and he's got to understand yours sometimes in times like this you reliaze how much you really do love each other and accept the fact that we are all humen in this earth and not perfect be the question is DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH HIM? think about how hell end up in the furture if you where never in his life and take it from there. but becarefull with him is he hurts himself obviolusy he wants to hurt you but he can't I don't know much about you 2 but just saying

[Happy-Plum-Pants]

Underage drinking. Strike 1

Cheating on your boyfriend. Strike 2

Being clueless about how to handle something that you did. Strike 3

You can say you "love him" and that you think he's more attractive than other men and all that...but lets fact it. You messed up. Now you need to learn how to deal with consequences of your actions

[Asker]

There isn't much to deal with other than him being so upset.

[Brando]

lol @ underage drinking

Like that's the biggest issue here

[Happy-Plum-Pants]

Underage drinking, caused her to cheat, a**hole...that's what did her in

[bruvleigh]

drunk actions, sober intentions...

[DodgersGM]

I say this with all due respect, but you guys are just kids. This relationship had almost zero chance of going the distance before you cheated, and now that you have it's definitely doomed.

Seriously though, you're young and I get what it feels like to be in love at that age, but all is not lost. You will both move on and one day you'll look back on all this as a distant memory.

[twice-shy]

Well, you are his first and only love. Had sex with one of his "friends" ex friend now I assume.

I guess it was such a traumatic thing to have you and a friend do this to him. Therefore he broke down this way. Sad!

As for what you should do, see if this changes things too much for your liking. Time will tell.

[Anonymous]

This relationship is donezo, sadly. He won't ever be able to trust him again, and you'll inevitably get drunk again and want to sample some new d!ck. Plus there's no way you'll ever be able to respect the guy for rolling over like that after you f*cked another guy and told him about it.

Just move on.

[Asker]

I respect him loads, I don't judge him on his reaction to this.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I'm sure you believe that. I'm just don't think you will over time. After all, when it comes right down to it, you didn't respect him enough to refrain from accepting another guy's loads in your va-jay-jay now, did you?

[bruvleigh]

THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY HARSH ANSWER!

The truth is grand isn't it

[Opinion Owner]

I'd like to think of it as straightforward rather than harsh. But since this situation is so grim, I guess straightforward IS kind of harsh.

At any rate, no one wins here when we don't face up to the truth.

[Jaden69]

Damn this seems like a very on the edge relationship right now. The better choice would be to leave him so he wouldn't have to live with the thought of his girlfriend sleeping with his friend. But on the other hand if you do leave him the self-harming may even get more serious. You're always more attached to your first one so yes these kind of things could happen I guess. if you're sensitive. So do yourself and him a favour and move on, and notify his close ones to pay close attention to him