I'm too selfish for a relationship. How do I change? Is it even worth it?

[Anonymous]

I struggle with dating because I always feel like I'm giving up more than I get back. I know that's wrong and selfish... But it just drains me and I lose the will to keep going.

How do I learn to be ok with giving up my free time, my stability, my interests, my preferences, etc. I just don't "get" relationships.

[VanillaSalt]

sometimes relationships are 40:60 30:70 20:80 10:90 0:100 or vice versa but they are NEVER 50:50...

ide also like to add as a man you should want to give up your free time, stability, interests, preferences for your woman and the woman hers... makes for a much better relationship... buy if you can't find a partner then you have to be selfish and fight over whos turn it is to be selfish

[Asker]

What's the point of one person gets all of the rewarding stuff?

[VanillaSalt]

its not a constant thing... its always changing and people are always having to make compromises or else having to pick up slack... when you hiot the real world its no longer its my brothers turn to do dishes but he's not doing it so it won't get done... its well shit if you won't then i will... sometimes people get sick or just dont do everything they should thats where it becomes unfair but thats life... im sure your unfair at some point as well...

[Asker]

How's it better than being alone, is what I mean? When you're by yourself, you have half as much work and twice as much certainty. :S

[VanillaSalt]

because people arnt meant to be alone... at 30 you should understand how it hurts when you need someone and their not there... though in my case i dont have any real family and my friends are great distances away... but even if they were here i could never be alone... and sometimes your partner should take up responsibility as well so a good relationship with a good man will have good points and bad that basically even out

[Asker]

I like being alone, maybe that's the issue. As far as emotional aloneness and having to face problems alone, that happens in relationships, too. Maybe women give and men take or something.

[VanillaSalt]

men support the family and women support the men... its been that way 4 centuries... and just because a few women feel the need to not rely on men does not change human nature... being a man i cannot speak for women im sure for a woman with a career being single is a great option... but for most men the idea of being alone is not an open choice... i like spending majority of my time alone as well but i equally like raising my children... loving my gf/wife... being with and taking care of my family... I've been a father a lover and a spouse and i can't imagine being alone after all that I've been through... im sure i COULD grow to like being alone but after having a taste of the good parts of a relationship ill take a relationship thats 80% pain and 20% pleasure because i know that the 20% is worth it for me... that may not be the case for everyone but people forget what life is... its a giant struggle that is made up of struggles... even the happiness in life is made of struggling to find

[G_Stranger]

The key is to find someone you don't have to do that with.

[space-jams]

I think you're being too hard on yourself.
You're in your thirties and probably have a good sense of Judgment...
If you feel like you are giving too much, than you probably are.

[shadowlegend]

Don't. You know what you are able to give and what you want in return, don't compromise yourself. The right man for you will meet your needs and appreciate what you give him.

[Asker]

The only plus is that I don't have a lot of needs, either. I'm fairly self contained.

[kangy]

I think it is good to have the mentality of lets start from friends, it helps to ease disappointments and lower expectations of a fairy tale outcome.

[Asker]

How do you get guys to agree to this? They usually want so much so fast that it overwhelms me.

[kangy]

yes i agree they want fast. i would be clear with him that instead of using a date i would say ok to hang out. i learnt things in the hard way so to start off as friends to me is the best bet.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're dating the wrong type of people...

[Asker]

The odds are in the favor that it's something I'm doing. :S

[abundantlyrich]

So if you got everything, why do you need a man?

[Asker]

I'm not sure. It seems like what people do. I go im hoping to figure out why, but aside from the rare occurance of being in love, it's not enjoyable. :S

[abundantlyrich]

I feel like you're going fishing but you don't know what type of fish you're trying to catch. No standards either?

[Asker]

THAT is certainly possible. I always read to be open minded and take what comes. Buuut, I also have a bad habit of just drifting along in life somewhat.

[abundantlyrich]

If you don't have a target point, you are just shooting all over the place. Sounds like a pointless mission.