People are expected to "couple up," or find a partner for various reasons: to have children, not be alone, or even to be considered normal by society.
But what about those that choose or prefer to be single for whatever reason- does that make them selfish or strange? I am not referring to those that CANNOT find a relationship! (That's a different discussion) I mean those that have decided they do not want a relationship, or do not want to be married. *Yeah, yeah I know I haven't asked a question in forever! But today's my birthday so I'm feeling generous. You're welcome GaG~
Is it selfish to want to stay single and not get in a relationship? Why or why not?
I've seen for years that you avoid relationships at this point in your life like the plague. It is the only thing I disagree with you on out of all your opinions, but it is your choice and if you're happy, that's great. But the fact that you're even posting this question... to me... implies that you're still not 100% sure.
I personally believe that anyone who says they're happy being single is more than likely lying to themselves or is trying hard to convince themselves that's what they believe in. Don't get me wrong. There are people out there I'm sure. But if they had a partner that they had chemistry with (similar views, interests, goals in life, sense of humor, way of communicating, etc) and fully trusted, then they would definitely turn a new leaf. It's just overall better being able to share experiences with someone, whether that be joy and laughter or hardships and sad. Having someone you can lean on and that tries to genuinely understand you.
I think it's wrong to create an emotional wall or barrier based on some bad experiences you've had with past relationships. Those past relationships are not a reflection of the future possibilties. You should give the same chance to every new person in your life. Don't make your walls built of emotions of the past prevent you or them from getting to know each other. Dive in head first every time and embrace all there is about that person.
I myself have had no luck in the dating game and have been pessimistic a lot of times in my life. But I genuinely believe the words I'm saying and I'm still hopeful that maybe one day I'll find someone. I will never make my past relationships an obstacle for any potential partners.
"But the fact that you're even posting this question... to me... implies that you're still not 100% sure." Actually no, I'm honestly just posting a question for the sake of being active, lol. Trust me, I have a ton of questions I've been meaning to ask over the last few months, but I'm lazy and have to be motivated to post on here.
You are right in the notion that I have no desire to date or attempt relationships at the moment, and I am quite content single. And as backwards as it sounds, people consider those that are single, particularly the older you get, "selfish" for putting themselves first, rather than trying to settle down and find a partner.
Yet in my opinion, it's more selfish to try to pursue a relationship, knowing you're not mentally or emotionally ready for one. Or you're just not willing to put yourself out there at the moment. Because you will just wind up hurting whomever you're with in the process- which that to me, is selfish.
So I'm not creating a wall so much as a "cushion" to protect myself from harm right now. I'm fine with letting it down- assuming the right person (s) come into my life and prove to me they're worth my time and energy.
It's definitely not selfish to desire to be single and not want kids in this day and age of overpopulation. We're ALL selfish creatures. Everything we do is for our own happiness. Desiring a partner and kids is for your own happiness. When you give to charity it's to make YOU feel good about yourself.
So yeah... if you're happy, you're happy and that's that. Keep ignoring the plebs.
I can’t wrap my mind around how this is considered “selfish”. When people say “selfish”, they mean it in a bad way. But then again you got people who shame others for ending a toxic relationship and call them “selfish” for being it. I’d say this is selfishness in a positive way. You have to prioritize your own happiness before you can even think of someone else’s. Obviously there is a limit to that, but you’re not hurting anyone else by choosing to stay single.
As much as I would encourage someone to find a partner if they are in the right state of mind to do so, I’m absolutely against the idea that one gets shamed for simply remaining single. If you’re truly ‘happy’ to be single (which is something I honestly don’t fully buy into considering it’s hard to override biology which pushes one to find a partner and reproduce), then don’t let anyone dictate how you want to live your relationship status. The only thing that would be selfish is when you have no intentions of being in a relationship or be intimate, but are still leading people on. Not saying you do this, but for the sake of argument if you happen to do this, then yes you are selfish (in a negative way).
The reality is: You do not owe anyone anything, least of all something as personal as being in a relationship.
But then again you got people who shame others for ending a toxic relationship and call them “selfish” for getting out of emotionally and mentally abusive relationship*
How is making a personal decision that makes someone happy selfish? Selfish to who.. You owe your life and happiness to noone but yourself and what others think be damned... My sister in law once said it was selfish if I didn't have a second child... Like wtf? It's more selfish for people to have more children then what they can afford and as my first child and her being so premature and coming home in oxygen and heart monitor she needed for some time, it was a year before I was able to go back to work, so wasn't thinking about more babies (but the second came two years later anyways-hence the tubal ligation 6 weeks after she was born) people always think they have say in other's lives, but only you have that say, so do you and "F" what anyone else says... And enjoy your birthday,( that's an order ma'am)🧐💛🤗
Oh don't get me started on kids. I'm apparently "weird" because as a woman I refuse to have or want kids (yes really). But anyway...
Thank you!!! People need to learn to mind their own business and let people live their own lives! I find it ironic it's mostly people in relationships stating this (because misery loves company!)
Yeah okay, just because I'm not trapped in a loveless or unhappy relationship or marriage, doesn't make me selfish for choosing not to be that way.
.. and thank you! I'm going to try. I'm on my way to the gym now to workout (that is enjoying my birthday, really)
@coachTanthony; @Brainsbeforebeauty As a matter of fact, I just ordered a pizza and cinnasticks (think breadsticks, only with cinnamon and sugar frosting to dip them in).
I had a good workout today so I definitely earned a little treat for my birthday :)
Not selfish it's your choice. For me it's very sad because I desperately love a fictional character and he's the only one I'll love forever. He has basic human traits. Loyalty, honesty and his unconditional love is a bonus. I'll die for him IF he were a real person and if he died. So I feel it's impossible to find someone to marry in real life... I also DON'T WANT kids.
You know I used to wish guys in real life were like the guys in anime because they were drawn and behave perfectly!!! Ugh. I know, that sounds silly, but a girl can wish right?
Oh don't get me started on kids: same here girl!!! I have NO interest in kids, or ever having them. But apparently that is a turnoff for most men (at least where I live) because it's assumed once you get married, you're supposed to have kids.
I could go on such a long tangent about how you don't need children in a relationship to be happy or be considered "normal" but I'll save that for another time.
My fictional character looks do damn real and that too from my area. Yes I get your point that WHY KIDS ARE NOT necessary to be happy. Parents who think like that are either toxic and will make their own kid's life miserable or they will be abandoned by their kids due to their neediness. Plus kids only CREATE DISTANCE between the couples according to studies. Even in my area men feel 'entitled' to have kids through their wives. In my country "what's the fucking point of marriage without kids?".
I fully understand your curiosity on this and I can only speak to my own reasoning for being single, it's not I have a hard time finding attracting women, it's opposite, and I'm in no way bragging or being arrogant in anyway, women come on to me all the time while out, leave their numbers address or a note on my car all the time, I'm flattered but don't act on it is too easy, and I like earn what I have more meaningful, but I enjoy being alone, single not obligated to anyone or committed, can go do what ever I want when I want without a gazillion question or phone calls text, I been married raised 2 kids and that was great well except my ex good mom lousy spouse, and that h had nothing to do with my choice of being single I just like waking to a quiet peaceful environment, my home is same as when I left it, I'm in no way antisocial just opposite but I like being alone no dramas, getting involved in others mess I have what I always wanted peace finally, to go into why would be too lengthy and all I can b say on that , is not out of selfishness just what I need my choice from living what I can only describe as an unbelievable life, I have women I see spend time with but when I go to sleep I prefer to do so alone, helps to put everything I experienced in perspective, I cannot speak on others and their reason for wanting to be single just for me, I'm content, not many can say that honestly, most people can't stand to be alone with themselves, that's another issue by itself, right
Happy Birthday! Why you chose this question on your birthday says a few things... It depends on the reason why someone doesn't want a relationship. Obviously selfish reason make it selfish, but you have to be a little selfish to find happiness with another person. Some people are asexual, so the physical part of a relationship is just gone for them, so it's mainly a waste of everyone's time. Others just prefer the freedom of being single so that they don't have to take responsibility of another person (selfish and childish). Some people just want pleasure (selfish), some want to just focus on their work (grey area - depends on why they wan to focus on such things), and so on. Though it may be selfish depending on the case, it is not strange. Everyone has their preference, and some just prefer not to have that kind of commitment. I personally believe that in most cases, people that choose to be single and not have a relationship are either afraid or entitled. Mostly afraid of getting hurt and/or the responsibility that comes with a relationship. The childish entitlement comes from upbringing or societal experiences.
It's your life to live. Just make sure you fully understand the consequences; the older you get, the harder it is to be alone and the harder it is to save the significant amount of money that you're going to need to live out your final, most expensive years after retirement.
Having a spouse and children could certainly make, say, a chronic illness or a survivable cancer that needed treatment much easier to get through. You can't assume that you'll be in perfect physical or mental health until you die...
"Having a spouse and children could certainly make, say, a chronic illness or a survivable cancer that needed treatment much easier to get through." Well yes and no. As a healthcare worker, I've seen many times elderly, or sick patients sat alone in their rooms because their kids or spouses didn't visit them- and not just because of the epidemic. It's really sad.
People assume having kids will guarantee they will have someone to tend to them one day if they're sick. Only if said offspring choose to, or care about their parents- some kids are selfish brats that only care about the inheritance, or have no respect for their family.
I DO understand what you're saying however, and you're right. My scenarios are worse case. But ultimately it's very possible to live, thrive, and even get through an illness without a partner or family.
Presumably you'd raise your children with better values then that. The kind of people who raised children who don't visit them in old age are usually ones who were spoiled and taught nothing of responsibility.
@Cynicaldreamer Ever consider that those, that "sat alone" maybe for chemotherapy treatments, or other therapies, didn't want anyone with them, and have to see that, and be unsure, sad, and confused? I never wanted anyone with me, for chemotherapy, or the myriad tests, and waiting for results! I don't want them to have to try to figure that out, deal with that, and I don't want to have to FAKE, being "OK'" when I sometimes feel HORRIBLE!! Excluding them, protects them, from things they cannot change, or fix! They can't make it better, and having them constantly asking questions that I cannot answer makes it a much more HORRIBLE experience for me! When I am the one facing the LIFE-THREATENING thing, FUCK WHAT THEY THINK AND FEEL!! I can be selfish, because it is ME, maybe, dying!! I don't want to deal with their feelings and shit!
@JackSmy Yes, but as someone who has helped provide for care for my grandparents, they couldn't get around by themselves in their later years (not safe to drive, and forget about the horrors of public transportation), and with certain treatments, it was hard enough to get them to and from the doctor's office for US. It would have been impossible alone, so I'm sure it would have involved ambulances and huge bills.
Our family was able to keep our grandparents out of nursing homes and assisted living with lots of hard work and sacrifices - plus the fact that, financially, it wouldn't have been possible. But even if you had the money, it's so easy for someone to steal from a person in their later years and leave them penniless to fend for themselves.
Family isn't perfect, and there are no guarantees in life, but you stand a far better chance with a family than without in my opinion.
Now to comment on the question, I would say no. It is not selfish in the slightest. People have different experiences and preferences, amd some know straight up that relationships are not for them be it disruptive to their life and goals or just not having the desire to have to share their life for another person who can up and leave or limit your experiences.
People who say it is selfish are the ones who are overstepping the line. Only you can know what is best for you, bot people who decided to fall into a traditional lifestyle and expectations that society has seemed to adapt and expect of others that are capable of doing and achieving great things.
No one has to get into a relationship and no one needs to feel guilty or selfish over it.
And you are absolutely correct! If you know a relationship isn't right for you, that's not selfish at all. That's called doing what's best for you.
I think some people are just brainwashed into believing you can't be happy or fulfilled unless you're married or in a relationship and if you're not. Meaning if you're single and happy, something is wrong.
I am in a marriage that is in its death throes. 20 years and now realising we were never really on the same page. And to be honest, friends we have all around the same ages are in the same boat, I see the suppressed tension and resentment between them. I now swear I will stay single for whatever is left of my life and whilst it can be sometimes difficult to be alone, I would rather that than be on an emotional battlefield with anyone ever again. So from my perspective, no it's not selfish at all.
Ah, I am so sorry to hear that. Especially to have invested 20 years with a person only to realize she wasn't the one? That's terrible, for both of you.
And what's worse, is I hear and see cases like that ALL THE TIME. People get married, only to realize, "Oh crap, I made a mistake." But now you feel trapped because you've invested all this time, energy, and love into this person. Do you divorce them, separate, or just become more and more distant over time, and pretend like everything's okay?
Honestly I'm happier single. It's hard at times, but I have this sense of... peace? Knowing that I can tend to myself and not stress over if the person I'm with feels the same, will he cheat or leave me for someone else, etc...
That might come off as selfish to some because I'm looking after myself and my own needs. But so be it! Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to do what's best for yourself.
No, I think you have made a sensible decision. I think every relationship starts off with good intentions, building a home together, children maybe and it always feels fresh and exciting but cracks start to appear but you try to ignore them and think things will change or get better. Complacency sets in and you accept that's how things are, better the devil you know. I look back and I think that I've been the one carrying the can all this time, taking the trash out, fixing things in the home, making decisions for vacations and purchases for the home. I'm not looking forward to what happens next, once the home is sold, it doesn't leave much to rebuild a life, will I have the resources to find a home for myself? Who knows.
Bc a single person can choose to only think of themselves while a couple person has to worry about partner and children and has to mandatorily care for others.
A single person can escape anytime , but couples cannot.
A single person could be the reason someone could cheat with purpousefully or not.
Well thats on the other person but still others didnot have connection with you so they would think it's the single person fault which is or may not be.
You can say there is a bit of jealousy I guess with freedom they have.
"Bc a single person can choose to only think of themselves while a couple person has to worry about partner and children and has to mandatorily care for others." This right here! That is why people are upset at those that choose to be single.
Those in relationships and marriages feel "trapped" because they no longer have the independence to do what they once did when single. So they consider people that are single selfish in the sense that they're not bound to any responsibilities unless they choose to be.
It's called jealously. I've had several people say they were jealous at my freedom, ability to do what I want, when I want because I have no kids, marriage, or restrictions holding me back. And yeah, that's true to an extent. But guess what...
They CHOSE their situations. So why chastise or judge me for choosing to be single? It goes both ways
Actually they are not judging you as an individual they are judgeging you as a part of single people.
It's also true single men women are involved with married people some might caught feelings
Some just didn't care for the other women or there family and they wanted the guy or girl for themselves breaking family.
And it's the Notion or biliefs they have in their spouse's that if not for the third person they wouldn't not have ended or cheated as you know it's easier to blame others.
And most of the things are not even personal and in my experience this chastity thing and comparing is mostly done by women more correct me if I am wrong.
I feel women are more involved in these kind of stuffs like setting some kind of boundaries.
It is selfish but after some troublesome relationships, I can understand it. It really depends on the people. I've had relationships where they wanted to control everything, where we went, what we did but didn't want to do anything I did. That gets old pretty quick. 2 people should share what each other does. Don't be controlling! As long as it doesn't involve abuse, give a little. Do what they want to do sometimes. Enjoy each other. If you don't enjoy anything he or she does, then you're not compatible and it's best to move on.
I meant didn't want to do anything I wanted to do and try to keep me from doing anything I wanted to do. That's no good! If it's something that involves you and you don't want to, that's fine but don't keep him or her from doing what they want to do if it doesn't. And be a little giving sometimes. Cooperation is a 2-way street. I'm not into abuse or sadomasochism & won't participate & I'm not sorry! If that's what you want, go elsewhere because I'm not your guy!
I feel the need to clarify further. 'If it's something that involves you and you don't want to, that's fine...' What I meant it's fine if you don't want to do something, it's fine if you don't want to, don't do it!' Don't be forced into doing something you really don't want to. No one has a right to force somebody else into doing something they really don't want to do. But, hm, you know if it's something not that bad, something you don't mind doing, that's what I mean by 'give a little...' I think you get my drift.
It is your choice, i did something, not choosing being single! But to stay away from relatives, it is my choice. There is no "if" it is your call and i support all people who does that, make your mistakes because this is how we learn. People are good but there is those who are total assholes and i understand your situation. Do the things that makes you happy and comfortable on the healthy level and mentality. Of you think staying single is making you feel good? Then there is no need for other people's opinion. Go for it. We are gamers and we rock 🤘
No it's not being selfish at all it's making a choice for yourself and this is just a moment in time who knows what will happen the next moment. I love everything about a relationship about marriage about bonding about commitment but I'm feeling the same way as you do right now even though I have so much passion and desire that I want to share with somebody it's crazy the feelings that I have Within and I want to share the right now in this moment of time it's okay to be single I would love to get laid I would love to find a friends with benefits that would maybe work into something even better down the road but at the moment I'm making the same choice kind of sucks but it's kind of good. 2
Not selfish, but strange indeed. If the definition of "strange" is to differ from the majority, though. We have a national hero in Slovakia, called Ľudevít Štúr, who pretty much uplifted our language, making it "a real one", codified it. He chose to be single because he feared that love would stop him from fulfilling his goals. Almost all of his comrades did the same.
If you feel like it's the best thing to do, then go for it. It is much harder to go through life alone, although it's not impossible. You usually have to be very strong to make such a choice and even stronger to not break that vow. I admire such people, while not putting them on a pedestal, of course.
It's your life and there is plenty of fish in the ocean, so there is nothing wrong with refusing others' initiative. People will make fun of you and trash you, of course. But people know as much as Jon Snow does, so who cares ;)
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
People who use that watered down definition of 'selfish' are weird. I can't imagine how they'd justify not using the term 'selfish' then to describe someone who wants a relationship too.
I think that a lot of people actually want to marry for selfish and wrong reasons. 'Oh what if they cheat on me, better marry.' 'What if they die and I can't claim their belongings, better marry.' 'What if they get bored of me and want to move on, better marry.' Trads wanna pretend that people care about the 'sanctity' of marriage when half the marriages end up in a divorce. How many people get married in Vegas and then the realization hits them harder than the hangover.
Well the decision itself is selfish because it is a decision that you are making for the benefit of your life and your lifestyle. That doesn't make the decision a bad one for you. Some people are better when they dont have all the responsibilities and stress and the constant pull of need from the individual that we choose to spend our lives with. While others have a desire for growing the genetic line for their family tree. So the real question is. Is selfishness a bad thing or a good thing?
" Is selfishness a bad thing or a good thing?" Hmm, I truly think it depends on one's perspective at that point.
For me, I don't see it as selfish so much as taking care of myself. When it's just you, you're able to better care for your own needs and wants in life (ie: exercise, eating right, prioritizing your needs in life). For example- I'm able to exercise every day whenever I want because it's just me. As a result, I've lost weight and feel better about myself as a whole.
Then one of my coworkers, she constantly complains she's unable to workout because it's hard exercising when you have kids. Stating, "there's no good time I can exercise around their schedule." Understandable so. So now she has to either schedule in a time around her kids, or go without improving and working on her health... she chooses the latter.
Now that might not be the best example, but you see where I'm going. My "selfishness" benefits my life and makes me happy. Whereas others might view it as unfair.
What if so many, that said one meets, have so terribly little to offer, or bring to the relationship, like, she can't cook, she doesn't have many interests, maybe graduated High School, but no college, and doesn't want that. What she brings? Some fashion sense, a constant tirade of SOCIAL BABBLE, and she's kind of sexy, "hot" now. But in 10 years, what do you have? An emotional basket case, as her looks are gone, and she has NO personality, or anything to fall back on!! Who wants that shit? With those options, it seems best, for a man, financially, and emotionally, to stay single!
But regardless of whether or not staying single is selfish, YOU do YOU. Do what you're the most comfortable with in life. It's like why be unhappy just to stay within the boundaries of the opinions of some people.
And I never understood the "selfish" argument anyway. It's like, if a person "wants" to get married, and they fulfill that "want", it could be argued that THAT is selfish.
It's all BS... At the end of the day, do what is right for yourself! 😎
How is that being selfish in any way? "selfish" - lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. "I joined them for selfish reasons" I think it would be more selfish to get into a relationship and forsake your friends or family for another person. It happens. you meet someone and spend all your time with them and leave your friends out. That is being selfish in my opinion.
It is definitely not selfish. It is not written anywhere that you have to get married and have kids and that you must not live alone. Marriage is an institution. Those who are in it, want to come out of it and those who are not in it want to get into it.
Do what makes you happy and if that means you are on the path to being single then so be it. I am 46 now and I am still single with no kids, never married and I am a virgin, so will probably die a virgin too. It doesn't bother me
Of course not- think of the companies that make garlic pickles. Who's going to eat them if everyone has to worry about their breath smelling good for smooching purposes?
Well if it is selfish then I'm selfish because I have no interest in a partner. I enjoy being alone. Relationships involve a lot of headaches and bullshit. I have scores of female friends and to be honest, women make better friends than they do partners in my case. I've had my offers and I've had my chances, but I prefer to maintain the status quo. Of course I'm not saying in the future that I won't change my mind, but for the moment life is good the way it is.
