I've caught him lying, what do I do?

[JessLamb]

Hi, so I caught my boyfriend lying to me twice already. We've only been dating for 3 months, but we are pretty serious about it. He already lied to me once saying that he wasn't flirting with some girl right before he started dating me (although he did stop talking to her as soon as he started speaking to me.) He said they were always only friends but she showed me messages on her phone and there was definitely something more going on. He's also lied to me about seeing his ex. Or at least he omitted the information. I asked what he did on the weekend (I couldn't see him) and he said nothing important, just some work stuff. However, I saw on her instagram that they had gone together to some park with more people. I don't think these are huge lies and I don't want to make a big fuss about it, but I also don't feel like confronting him about them because I don't want to be that type of paranoid super-controlling girlfriend. I just want to know if I should worry about this; if this means I shouldn't trust him and maybe take things more slow. I don't want to be played, but I also don't want to get crazy about this. What do you think?

[serious]

I can understand this, however hiding the truth, omitting certain information is not equal to lying to you, if the person doesn't tell you something but doesn't lie to you also, that should be fine, although that is still not justified but a person can choose what to tell you what not to tell you, but yes the point is they should not lie to you.

Ok, you are saying whatever he told you were not big lies but to be honest your boyfriend is displaying signs of being a lier. That is he has a habit to lie if someone asks him something, he could also be a compulsive lier can't say for sure though, but it's not a good sign. Today you may think these are small lies but tomorrow these small lies can turn to bigger lies and plus if you don't do anything about this, it may give him more courage to lie to you in future and that is certainly not going to be good for your relationship.

He may have his reasons or excuses to lie to you, but that mean that he has a license to lie to you whenever you ask him something.

What should you do?

Well logically speaking you can only forgive a person if he lies to you once, say 1 time in a year, so that makes it really rare in that case you can forgive that person, but if a person has a constant habit to lie and comes up with a reason or an excuse to lie to you when you confront them, then you should be very careful from such people.

Lying is a very bad habit, it breaks trust and eventually the relationship. As far as I know women don't appreciate lies, they are very sensitive ( in good ways) towards lies, I know for sure that women value honesty, truthfulness and in a relationship they definitely want their partners to be truthful/honest to them.

Hence you shouldn't really trust a guy who lies to you. You have every reason to worry. You shouldn't really be with a person who lies to you.

You can do two things here:

1. You can confront him and tell him that you know he has lied to you and ask him stop this habit of lying to you. Then give him some time to see the change.

2. You should break up with him, it's really not suggested that you stay with a person who lies to you.

In my view the second option is the best, because if your boyfriend is a constant lier then there is every chance that he won't change and that will only dissapoint you further.

The final decision is yours.

[ilovelegs]

Lying is lying whether it's big or small. If you feel he should have told you the truth in both those situations then he really did lie which means he was keeping something from you that he didn't want you to know about. That's not a good sign for a relatively new relationship. But if the two of you are pretty serious about dating like you said, you don't have to dump him right yet especially if it'd really hurt you to do that. Go ahead and date like you've been but pay special attention to anything that comes up again where you think he might be lying and then check it out. You may find he never lies to you again. But if you do and have good proof, confront him more on what he did without disclosing how you found out. See how much he changes his story around or actually fesses up to you. If he changed his story around or sticks by his lie, just ask him why he lied to you because you know there was a reason. If you don't like his explanation then even if it hurts you need to dump him. You can't go on together no matter how much fun you have with you're together. Having a boyfriend that does things behind your back isn't the kind of guy you need in your life. He'll only bring you trouble that will get worst and make your life more miserable. As hard as it may be, for your own sanity and self-respect, you'll need to say good bye to him. Maybe he'll apologize to you and ask your pardon and you may want to give him one more chance. If you don't part on fighting terms you may have a chance to start dating again... if that's what you want.

[kristyle]

That may not be a huge lie to you (to me it actually is) . But huge lie or not, what you are getting are large red flags. You guys are just starting off and look at what is taking place. Would you expect things to get better or worst, when he seems to think that lying is okay. Plus even worse than lying he is actually hanging out with his ex. I understand what you mean you do not want to seem like a crazy girlfriend, but just because your relationship is new does not mean you deserve even that.

I mean I totally understand the relationship is new and you don't want to get confrontational. But what you should be doing, if you haven't already is talk gently about how it makes you feel. You have the red flags in front of your face, pay attention to them. By the photos you can tell something more is going on.
You don't have to go crazy on him, but on one hand there has to be more respect for you being his girlfriend and you have to try to command that somehow.

[JessLamb]

He did tell me that sometimes he saw his ex because their families are good friends and in the picture you can see that it's a "family meeting" that's why I don't feel 100% lied to (because he did warn me that it happens sometimes), but at the same time I do because he didn't tell me that it happened this weekend (when I asked what he did and he said not much, just work.) Maybe he really didn't think about that meeting because it wasn't important to him or maybe he didn't want to bring it up in case I would get angry even though when he told me he sometimes saw her I said that was fine (if it's a family thing), but I do want him to tell me about it.

[kristyle]

Okay, I understand what you mean, so it is like in a way they are family friends. That makes it complicated spot for you because you cannot really say or do anything about that. But it also leaves an opening for anything. However, giving him the benefit of the doubt, because like you said it probably was like nothing to him. It can help them being at family events together. I say give him the benefit of the doubt and let him gently know what is important to you, even though it isn't a big deal to him, gently let him know what is important to you, and what makes you feel more comfortable. I'm not really quite sure how you can gently word that. But let him know how you feel and see if in the future he respects via actions what you had to say. It is weird that she showed you pictures of them two. Does she want him back or something?

[Geometry]

The first one probably isn't a big deal because you weren't dating. It's a little strange that he was with his ex but it truly sounds like he didn't do anything and he was with more people than just his ex. He may be there for work but he might have time to do other stuff and he probably didn't think it was important to mention it. I think if you bring it up to him that you would like him to tell you more and point out those lies, them its probably ok. He may not or may not consider them lies either. So don't be surprised if he says it wasn't a lie. In any case tell him what your thinking. Try and not sound too accusatory. Just watch his actions after you speak to him and if you still find behavior then don't hesitate to take off. If you catch him lying again quickly you may have just conclusively proved his lying and you should also watch out for mid term lying. He might be good at covering his tracks well right after you talk to him but after a little time he might start letting them slip. That is only if he actually is lying. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt as long as you tell him about your concerns. I am not going to proof read this so please ask for any clarification.

[poopedmypantsagain]

Sit down with this guy and point blank tell him.. you do not like being lied to under any conditions.. tell him if he does this again.. you may start about finding someone else that will not lie to you.. to me if lies are in a relationship.. it has a very rocky future.

I mean I do not lie to my lady friend ever wether it is a date I am on or just a friend I see in the mall.. first thing I am open about to all my dates or any lady for that matter is what I wear.. and even tho they then know this not one has ever turned me down.. I would not want them one night while fooling around to find out I wore those on their own.. it is just I am an honest guy and I think get those dates because I am honest to them

[Curmudgeon]

"although he did stop talking to her as soon as he started speaking to me."

And that says it all. Between you and the other girl with whom he was flirting, you won. Let the matter pass!!!

As for his ex, I think you should meet her. Who knows? You might make a new friend. And your man ISN'T going to be someone whose only female friend is you. Lots of us try to stay on good friendly terms with exes.

In short, don't make mountains out of molehills.

[JessLamb]

The weird thing about the ex is that he wouldn't mention he was seeing her, I mean, maybe he didn't think it was important, but when I asked what he did on the weekend he told me it was all work. I honestly don't care if he sees his ex with other people as long as he tells me. In fact, he told me that sometimes they see each other because their families are good friends and I didn't complain. But I don't like the fact that he's hiding it...

[Curmudgeon]

You are correct. He should have been above board and told you everything, full disclosure and all that. I can only guess that either: (1) He's afraid of what you think, so the little white lie (2) He thought he was sparing you your feelings, so again the white lie, or (3) He really didn't give it any thought at all about its importance. Not a good move on his part.

That done, you might as well confront him on it and insist that it isn't a big deal and demand that he be frank about it. After all, if it isn't a big deal, why shouldn't he be frank? And it would be good policy for him to introduce you to his exes and lady friends and vice versa for you.

[reptocarl]

Yes you should worry. It means you can't trust him and without that the relationship is doomed

[Anonymous]

Everyone lies and he lies because you are trying to catch him. Not a fun way to live. Break up with him and date the pope.

[Anonymous]

I'd dumb him if I were you.

[giggleswilmington]

You can't trust him and you never will. Dump him.

[apple24]

Confront him!