How to spot and get a dominant guy?

I've discovered I'm probably submissive a while ago, but could never really try it out because I didn't have willing partners. I'm only talking about in the bedroom, in daily life I want to be about equal. However, I've noticed it's way easier for me to attract submissive-acting (not neccessarily kinky) guys.

How can you see or guess whether someone is probably dominant? And how can I get a dominant guy to like me and to notice what I want?

Another problem is, Im a perfectly fine flirt as lomg as Im not really interested in the guy. As soon as Im in love I turn red and shy and stuttering and defensive. Hereby I both accidentally attract guys only to turn them down and ruin my own chances. How to overcome this? I don't want to be bitchy but sometimes feel like I am.


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  • How Dominant? There are a lot of guys who will take charge in bed, guys who will do things like hold you down and pull your hair are pretty common (you just have to date until you find a keeper), but being really kinky is another story. If you want an actual Dom you might have to look on places like fetlife. com or check out your local BDSM club.


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What Guys Said 4

  • "I'm only talking about in the bedroom, in daily life I want to be about equal."

    This here is the biggest key issue with a lot of girls who desire dominance in the bedroom. Why? For two reasons:

    1. There is no such thing as a dominant guy who is equal to you in the bedroom. A dominant guy is dominant per se (note: dominance and dominating are quite different aspects). Everything else is acting and behaving dominaint in the bedroom without actually being.

    2. It shows a clear disconnect between sexuality and yourself. Normally you and who you are should be on the same wavelength with your sexuality. Instead you want to be one thing in person and be a complete other thing in the bed which creates a dissonance. That dissonance causes both to be more extreme aka the more you refuse to give in to your biological drives of a healthy submissiveness you will require an unhealthy domination in the bedroom.

    So my suggestion is first before looking for something sexual, realise what you want. Who are you? What do you want? Do you really WANT an equal relationship or do you actually WANT the guy to take the lead (without neglecting what you have to say)?

    Because the majority of girls in reality do want the guy to take the lead. That doesn't mean they don't want to have no say or want to be subjugated. That also doesn't mean that they never take the lead/charge themselves - but it means that they want the guy being the active, leading part and they are the receptive part who trust the guy to make the best decision for the both - and if he doesn't she should be capable of speaking up to it. Aka submissiveness by choice and not by necessarity. And a healthy level of submissiveness and not this BDSM crap that is a very toxic, one-dimensional view on the matter.

    • I have opinioms and ambitions in daily life and I don't want to give those up for my partner. In my carreer, I will always have to lead others in order to be at the highest level. Im 'smart', I always got good grades at school. I would want a guy who isn't submissive daily, but who does allow me to be my full self.
      In the bedroom however, I want to surrender and give myself completely to a guy. The few experiments I did have were great.
      I know couples who are D/s but in public they are just a normal sweet couple. So it's possible.

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    • Im not balancing anything out, Id want to be submissive in the bedroom anyways. I knew I wanted it before I knew I had to lead anything. It was an illustration as to how Im not submissive in every part of my life.

      Thanks a lot for replying so extensively by the way, your insights are helpful. Are you experienced with the D/s thing?

    • I know about the D/s aspect. Never bothered to deal with it though, since in my relationships I was the part taking the lead naturally.

  • all guys are naturally dominant some are more so it shows around guys but most are dominant

    • Not all are, and I've only had the more submissive ones. I had a boyfriend who was submissive and we were both miserable because we tried to put the other in charge and I had an friends with benefits who only had sub girls and is now trying hard to find a dom because he's completely had it. I've also had or turned down guys who weren't particularly kinky, but who did always put me in charge and that's just not what I want

  • He's on top?

  • I don't know. I'm not single, but if i were, i'd be wondering exactly the same thing - how to find submissive women in real life.

    • I don't know either, I don't act extremely submissive in real life. A bit maybe. But my way of flirting is teasing and that often comes across as dominant, I think.

What Girls Said 1

  • Most guys are dominant in bed.
    It's not hard to find a dominant guy.