We have a second date... he had to cancel the first time because of a migraine, but he attempted to reschedule and it’s supposed to be happening tomorrow night. Only now I’ve had a message from him asking if we can do Saturday night instead... which I can’t.
How many times do you allow someone to rearrange before you say something/walk away?How many times will you allow someone to rearrange a date before you just walk away?
How many times will you allow someone to rearrange a date before you just walk away?
It depends on the reasons that she's giving for rearranging. Sometimes it's clear they're messing you around and aren't fully committed to the date, or are playing games, and that sort of person is someone who you shouldn't want in your life. But sometimes it's for genuine reasons that may be beyond their or your control. In those cases then they deserve time to sort things out and rearrange.
Case study for you. The last girl I dated, a few months ago, we met through a mutual friend who had already mentioned to me (in the context of hanging out as a group of friends) that she didn't have much of a social life because of her work. She works in care, for the record, dealing with adults with learning difficulties. Well, after seeing each other a couple of times in a group setting and another mutual friend basically jumping up and down to play wingwoman, we started talking privately and I asked her out, she said yes pretty much straight away.
We arranged to meet for a drink later that week, and a couple of days before she messaged me saying she'd been called in to work a shift that day and wouldn't be able to meet me. We rearranged for the following weekend, and again the day before she messaged me to say she'd been called in late and couldn't make it.
At this point I was really starting to think that she just wasn't interested and was messing me around. I can get a bit paranoid as I have been messed around before by other girls. Our mutual friends kept trying to assure me she wasn't like that and that if she wasn't interested she would just tell me straight, but I was still worried.
The following week, she texted me on the Tuesday afternoon and said even though it was short notice she was free on both the Wednesday and the Thursday and wondered if I was available to do anything. I couldn't on the Thursday but the Wednesday was fine and we managed to meet up then, plan was to go bowling but it turned into a pub drink when we saw the bowling place was packed with teenagers. She told me that evening that her boss had phoned her again that day to ask her to come in on the evening shift, and she'd said to her boss's face that she was unavailable because she had plans. She put off work specifically to see me after all the missed chances before.
We did see each other a few more times and she made time to meet up, it didn't last more than a month or so (for other reasons regarding her own insecurities about a previous relationship), but after the hassle of trying to sort out a first date we made sure that we were both available for more dates and the short time we were together went really well. So it was worth sticking with it despite those problems of arranging something.
For me, I think it would depend on how much I was interested in her and what the reasons were for the rescheduling.
The first, as long as it seemed believable wouldn't really bother me because things do happen sometimes. If it happened a second time, I'd start to question whether I really want to be with her anyway if she's got so much going on that it's this hard to arrange a date, but if it's a believable reason that seems outside of her control and she was someone I really found interesting, I'd probably allow for a third attempt. But if it seemed like she just found something else she wanted to do or I wasn't sure how interested I was in her anyway, I'd probably just say to forget it after two cancellations.
I think no matter what the situation was, I'd give up if it happened a third time though. The chances of that happening and not being a regular issue with that person are really low and I don't want to date someone that it takes major effort just to arrange a date with. If she's so busy or has so many problems or is prioritizing the date so low, then she's not really someone I'd want to be with anyway.
He hasn’t given me a reason for the second reschedule. He suggested Saturday instead of Sunday and I said I wasn’t free. He then asked about Sunday. I’ve just been honest and said Sunday’s are usually fine but because I’m moving house and cleaning my new place before I move on Friday, I already have plans around that and had organised those around the fact that him and I had plans on the Friday night.
I mean if he does it too many times it probably means he was interested at first but now he's trying to back away, which is a total coward move. So if he is running away from the first date you probably shouldn't give him a chance if he keeps rescheduling after that
I dont bother if they cancel the re-arranged date, they are demonstrating that they consider you low value and are treating you like a backup plan. by the way a girl who treated me like this, i didn't contact her again and after a few months when she saw i was with another girl she messaged me to accuse me of ignoring her like. She actually was sitting inside a glass building observing people walking past and didn't come out to say hello. As she still demonstrated she's high value than me, i didn't bother actually visiting her. If someone really likes you they would cancel on everyone else to be with you.
I know a woman, was really interested, but she carried some baggage. She had migraines headaches all the time. I just felt her cancelling multiple meetups would have been a sign of further issues down the road. She later expressed she had been seeing someone else, which was fine, I wasn't that her, and it just seemed a little to convenient to cancel the times we had planned to hang out. I gave her 6 times, but I could get busy with a number of things so it didn't bother me much. If I were focused, I'd say 3 times, only if they were legit.
if it's an honest mistake then it's no one's fault - if you walk away that's your choice but it's based on your lack of patience. I'd say if you're frustrated already then don't have another date and tell him no way. Otherwise grow some patience and stop feeling like he's doing this on purpose.
I'd be upfront about it. I'd point out that this is the second time and how I'm starting to think that they are not interested. If their is a third attempt to rearrange it, that would most definitely be the cutoff point. I mean once fine, but twice in a very short amount of time? Highly suspicious and quite frankly I wouldn't want to be pushed around and kept in limbo for some one who clearly isn't all that interested.
Irish... fish in a creek. The fish are stronger. In otherwords, if ths is a continual theme, whatever you are doing clearly isn't working for you. Try something else.
If she has a real good excuses, then it's ok. A "migraine" is a bullshit excuse. I think after the 3rd time rescheduling, I'd give up. That would be obvious she doesn't want to do it, and I'm not known to force myself on people. I'd just explain her, tell her I understand and leave.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
0 times and that’s it. I call her and If she says “I may be available this day” when we are setting up a date, I just tell her “ok since you don’t seem to give me a clear answer, how about you figure it out and then call me to let me know when you are free. I gotta go see ya.” Boom every girl that I’ve said that to, that I know they are interested in me have said, “oh actually this Friday I’m definitely free” some do take longer than others, but some tell me right then on there, and then I just internally laugh and set up the date. It’s not hard people!!!
I wouldn't be pedantic with a fixed number but if I felt the reasons were fakey or spurious twice, I would say to myself they are just not that interested
3 time.. And they need to have a good reason each time and if it fails 3 time.. Then Let's go spontaneous. Spend time together whenever we meet and see where the spark leads us..
Besides when girls look fabulous it's very intimidating
I would say something the third time it happened. He’s going to have to make it up to you and you should let him know that. If he seems careless about cancelling, I’d walk away
Honestly with me if they let me know ahead of time it shows me he has respect.. not last minute when I looked forward to it all week.. at least he's trying to readjust plans to work everything out..
Until it really seems like they avoiding... It is frustrating but we all have real life stuff. Maybe set up a few possible days over the next week and if by end of it you not met then call it
I would say three max. They should be legit reasons (or least appear to be). Your question ties into one of my dating rules which is: if my date has to cancel she should offer to reschedule on the spot or I walk away. Hasn't failed me yet l.
I guess it depends on how bad I want to bone her. But if she has made a habit of canceling on me, once I have boned her I will quickly move on
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
For a first time, only once. A migraine? Not worth it, just leave. If he wants to see you he would not be moaning and cancel over a migraine. Pathetic.
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