Back off or Tell her how I feel?

[Anonymous]

The girl I've been dating has been perfect, 2 months of bliss, i guess her roommate had been fighting with her a lot bc she's terrified of corona, so she told me we'd have to stick to video for a while, then she told me that things have been fizzling out alittle but as long as we continue to video everyday we'll be fine, she insisted that she didn't wanna break up and that she wasn't seeing anyone else, but she started texting less and less and we only videod like once a week, she then claimed she was working on herself and she was insanely far behind in work and had a lot to catch up on, i tweaked out alittle and she got upset and told me she thinks we should just be friends "for now" i made a joke and then suggested that we talk on the phone about it bc that wasn't necessary, its been 3 days and i haven't heard a peep from her, i dont wanna seem desperate, is it better to apologize for being so over the top and try to explain my reasoning (i really was alittle over the top) OR am i better waiting to see if she comes around? this is the longest amount of time that we haven't spoken since meeting, she's not like most girls today she's a good person and shy

Updates

+1 y

Assuming she's telling the truth do you guys think i should try texting her how i feel or waiting it out to see if she comes around, my concern on waiting is if there is someone else or if she's in a breakup mindset then the longer i wait the more she'll lose feels for me, BUT if she just needs space then giving her that space could show that im respecting her boundaries and she might miss me a bit, althoughi dont know bc we haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks 1 in video

Updates

+1 y

during all of this when id send her cute snaps she used to respond with a pic back and she started leaving them on read, and when id say cute stuff instead of responding with emojis she'd ignore it, last time we videoed i did blow her a kiss and she blew one back but i dont know , i think she didn't wanna make plans incase she got stuck with surprise work stuff but my fear has been that she didn't want to incase the possible other person did bc she wouldn't have an excuse to deny him

[HollyK21]

It sounds like she was conflicted with her thoughts when you first confronted her, and she probably did want things to work. But I think the separation during Covid ultimately led her to the final conclusion. I still think it’s lame that she went about things the way she did. I mean I’m as shy and quiet as they come but I still have some decency and treat people with the respect I would want in return. Breakups are not easy, and I go into situations knowing that if I can’t handle the outcome, then I shouldn’t be in it.

[Asker]

I'm not even fully sure if its a breakup, bc her exact wording was " i think we should just be friends for now" she could have said we should just be friends or this isn't working out, i know that in our last "fight" she said it seemed like all i wanted to do when we hang out is sexual stuff which is confusing bc she was definitely into it, but she also said that she wants to do other stuff non sexual stuff bc if we can't just talk and be friends how are things going to work in the long run, with that said to me it kinda seems like she wants to be friends for the purpose of a relationship, the other confusing part there is that when i suggested a picnic/movie night/ or hanging out at the bar she said no to the bar and completely ignored the other things. worst case scenario this all happened a week after i suggested i couldnt afford for us to go to the bar everyweek and she may have been upset about that or just thought it was a way for me to skip out on social stuff and go right for the sexual but i dont know, its like everything she tells me is delayed like why didn't u tell me u felt like this 2 weeks ago lol, so im not sure what to do now, i am back on the dating apps but im holding back bc i want "us" to work out

[HollyK21]

It’s so weird seeing you write that stuff because I get the same way as her lol but this shows me I need to correct myself when it comes to being clear. So I’ll try and explain it from my point of view (which can be entirely wrong, but if we’re similar as I think, it won’t be far off).
“I think” is a filler, and watching out for your feelings. I am super guilty of saying a version of that to three different ex’s. “I think it’s better if we just focus on our friendship for now”. By saying this, I felt like I was letting them off less harshly than “we need to breakup”. Because I loved them and didn’t want it to hurt more than it needed to.

[HollyK21]

With one ex in particular, the situation was very similar to what you guys had. There’d be a lot more physical stuff than any outings. I got tired of it because it made me feel used, even though I knew he wasn’t that kind of guy. I did tell him this bothered me, but by then I already felt over being with him. That was the bigger issue. He tried fixing it and I felt conflicted because I still had love for him, I just wasn’t happy in that situation anymore. I’m guilty of making up excuses not to see him as well, but there was also someone else in the picture by then who aligned better with my needs. He was just a friend at the time and it never got sexual but he also helped in making the choice to break up.

[HollyK21]

All that to say, I’m about 99% sure she’s over the situation, and that 1% is the slight possibility she is not. I think it’s amazing that you are analyzing the breakup and you’re actions so deeply in an effort to see where you went wrong — a lot of guys don’t do that. But I think your efforts are best spent being invested into something else. You don’t have to jump into a relationship of course, or take anyone serious. Tbh some time by yourself is probably best suited for you, so you can come to terms with the breakup, get yourself in the right frame of mind, and then when you go on dating apps, you will actually be open to a relationship rather than just swiping aimlessly.

[Asker]

Just a week before her breaking things off like this she told me she wants a relationship but she also wants us to be friends so we have a lasting relationship, if u want more details add my s n a p mrstallion87 ill hit u with a lot more info bc as of rn i think im gonna try calling her tomorrow night

[HollyK21]

I don’t think that’s a great idea, but you have to do what sits right on yourself heart. Seeing as your anon, I don’t know you and my Snapchat is personal, I hope you don’t take offense me rejecting that offer. However, my DM is always open and I’m more than happy to talk about this further. If you’ve made up your mind already though, there’s probably not much of a point in that is there?

[Anonymous]

Do not apologize, and do not contact her. Use the time to place your focus elsewhere. It seems you've forgotten that you are the prize, and she's picked up on this.

''then she told me that things have been fizzling out a little but as long as we continue to video everyday we'll be fine''

Translation = She is directing the relationship, and treating you like you are lower than her. Things are fizzling out but if you give me a little attention on video, I will allow you to grace yourself with my presence.

Treat her like a celebrity... she will treat you like a fan.

As for telling her how you feel... no... no... and no. That's too much feminine energy.

[Asker]

So how do i play it if she does come around?

[Asker]

Or if she just hits me up in general i mean

[Opinion Owner]

Personally I wouldn't bother, but if you think it's worth the trouble, just keep the following in mind. Make her work for it, and let her earn it. If you suddenly hear back from her, let her be the one to initiate and make the effort. Once she's earned it, then you might reciprocate.

[OlderAndWiser]

She probably wants to break up with you and is using roommate/covid-19 as a convenient excuse to "take a break." She is shy so she is scared to tell you directly.

[HollyK21]

I completely agree with this.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 but here's the thing guys, i asked her right after brought up the covid thing if she was trying to break things off and she said no, that things were fizzling out but she didn't want them to, 2 weeks later she said she wants us to be lovers AND friends a week after that i had asked her on like 10 different dates she mostly ignored all of that and then said that we should just be friends for now bc im driving her crazy xD

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you think she perceives you as being a bit "intense?"

[Asker]

She definitely saw me as being intense and distracting, but i couldnt help myself we went from 220% to like 10% seemingly overnight and i couldnt understand why and she keep changing her reasoning so it was literally tweaking me out

[OlderAndWiser]

If she keeps changing the reason, that means she doesn't want to tell you the real reason. Maybe she has found someone who she thinks is a better match for her.

[Asker]

First she said she was working on herself, then she said she was working a lot (she works at home) then she said she had a lot of meetings (which before it was only a couple a week) so i dont know maybeee, but i asked her if there was anyone else and she said no, and when i asked her if we could be exclusive she said yes that she deleted all the dating apps and wasn't going to talk to anyone else

[OlderAndWiser]

You assume that she is being honest with you?

[Asker]

At this point I believe so, but its hard to say for 100%, either she's lying and i dont wanna be with her anyways or she's telling the truth and just has issues expressing her feelings. the only thing i find odd if she is telling the truth is that she got a haircut and she dyed her hair, i told her i liked it and she seemed happy but I've read that sometimes in this sorta situation a woman changing her hairstyle like that could imply renewal or moving on from something...

[OlderAndWiser]

Or starting over with someone new.

[Asker]

yea exactly, but she doesn't seem like the lying type, for all i know she could be back burnering me but it seems shocking bc she literally told me a week before this how she was buying laundrie to wear for me that she hasn't owned any in years bc she hasn't had a reason to, to me thats alone is saying a lot, like she really liked me but i think maybe her doubts have been getting to her and i dont know a way around that if she won't hang out or talk with me

[OlderAndWiser]

She may not be someone who lies frequently, but she may find it easier to lie and avoid hurting you than to tell you that you've been replaced.

[OlderAndWiser]

The thing about not wanting to make plans makes this sound even worse for you.

[Asker]

Is there anyway for me to find out? In her defense she did delete the dating app for sure but thats not to say she wasn't talking to people while we were dating but that does seem kind of out of character