When should I tell her I’m trans?

Question

I’ve been on a good amount of dates with this girl and we’ve really like each other (tonight was the first time we kissed and stuff).

MCheetah · Accepted Answer

You're a horrible human being for lying to someone and manipulating them, making them think they were dating an actual man. This is just ONE reason why the general public doesn't like transgenders and aren't very accepting of them, unlike the general gay community. If a biological man did this to a woman, lied and manipulated her with something that could gross her out, many women would be calling it outright "rape."

I am a fairly tolerant person, but shit like this man... I'm gonna be honest. If I was led on manipulated by someone who may have looked female, but had a giant cock in the end, I'd have a hard time not beating shit out of him, right then and there. And they'd deserve it, too. I wouldn't say I WOULD; just that I'd want to hurt them really badly if that ever happened to me. And again, it'd be justified. A man dressed up as a woman would have just conned and gaslit a straight man into having a gay encounter; something that could shame him for the rest of his life.

I'm not going to be melodramatic and go so far as to call it "rape," but you are psychologically damaging a person, and at the very least, it is definitely sexual assault. Fortunately, like 95% of transwomen don't pass whatsoever and look completely like dudes. Transmen, however, not so much, since it's very easy to pass as a guy, if they put in actual effort into it.

While women tend to be more gay/gay-ish than men, this woman could very well be heterosexual (not any of this "bi-curious" or part-time gay bullshit, but actually legitimately straight) and you just tricked and conned her into a gay encounter that she did not ask for. You knpw; the word all the left-people love to use; "CONSENT!" She didn't CONSENT to having a gay encounter with another woman. Or, a man, if she happened to be a lesbian. I'm sure lesbians don't want to be conned into a heterosexual encounter either (at least the honest lesbians, as opposed to the lesbians who use the stupid fucking term "bisexual").

All in all, your own selfishness has just led you into tricking a woman into an experience she did not want and did not consent to. And if someone beat you into a bloody pulp for it, YOU'D be the one playing "the victim." Saying shit like "sexual assault is okay when transpeople do it! Rape is okay, because transpeople are, like, oppressed or some shit, I dunno?"

Doing deceptive, ethically awful shit like this, among other things, is exactly why trans acceptance is going backwards in society and more and more people are hating all of you. This isn't even getting into the whole letting men compete against girls in sports stuff, or letting perverts enter female restrooms by just declaring "I'm trans". I don't hate transpeople, and I don't care what most people do in their lives. But stuff like this DOES make me think more transpeople are complete pieces of shit, than thinking of tolerance and acceptance.

Now go ahead and call me a "transphobe" and play up being the victim, you fucking rapist.

Floppy2112 · Accepted Answer

You don't want to reveal a mental disorder until after the first date. And get some real counseling. Being 'trans' is hip right now, but the damage from the drugs and alterations are PERMANENT. The alterations to your voice and hip bone growth and mini-breasts never go away. As well as the changes estrogen will make to your brain are also irreparable. And since there is no evidence that physical transition relieves symptoms of not feeling comfortable in your own skin, it's a hell of a price to pay for falling into a fad. And as you get older, no matter what you do, all your friends and enablers will go their separate ways and you will be alone, dealing with your now deformed figure and brain, with noone around to support or help you. Oh, they say they will always be there. They always say that, but circumstances change for people and life goes on and most of the time, your not on their journey. You need to be thinking for yourself, bub. Be the master of your own mind and learn the wisdom the keep yourself from falling into other peoples traps. No teenager feels comfortable in their own skin. Most young people feel there must be something wrong with them that is only unique to them and nobody could ever possibly understand how they feel. Going through even a partial physical transition will leave this permanent damage and you are most likely going to feel worse not better. Try to imagine 5 years from now; do you think you will feel the same? Chances are near 100% that you will not. And you will be damn glad you did not physically permanently alter yourself. This modern super-aggressive trans movement is already starting to have an untold number of casualties. People who were duped by sweet talking activists who encourage you to do what they themselves either have already done or will actually never do. Don't be a statistic. Man up, grab you package and be grateful for all of it. Then snap out of your delusion and get help from a reputable counselor. The answer to your awkwardness and discomfort does not lie in being a tranny. The one thing transexuals have in common is the vast majority of them are miserable. And no it's not because of society, because if they don't tell anybody, nobody would know. Society will just think you're a really ugly woman or a really weak man. Snap out of it before you do something stupid! You think you're awkward now? Start transitioning and you won't just feel awkward, you will be awkward and nobody will care.

lovedejj_xo · Accepted Answer

If you met through a dating app it really should be on your bio in my opinion to get straight to the point. If not then on the date or before If you want but it’s not fair to a person to not know. Now if you go on the first date and you aren’t interested no need to bother

Starrisunset · Accepted Answer

I'd say it's getting close to that point. I understand you not wanting to tell someone the minute you meet them but it sounds like they like you. You should let them know before things get serious. Hopefully they're cool with it and it isn't even a thing.

Anonymous · Answer

Well, let me tell you a little tale about myself.

(if you just wanna get straight to the point just go down to the section cutoff, it should look like equal signs)

When I was dating somebody, I didn't know he was trans. I thought he was a she, and I didn't know this for a good few months.

It was accidentally slipped by one of his friends, and I asked him about it and it sorta just came out.

It took me a couple months to figure out what my thoughts were on it. I was a little angry and disappointed that they didn't tell me something that was integral to their character, but also a bit sad from them feeling like they couldn't trust me knowing their true self. I had a lot of back and forth with myself in my head just trying to figure this all out.

He and I decided to continue to date, and it was honestly the best relationship I've had. We've broken up ever since, but he's still my best friend.

====================

To get straight to the point, I feel like it's best to be open and honest about who you were. It will probably harm the relationship if kept a secret. If they can't see past you being trans for who you truly are, that's their problem, not yours. It's best to find somebody who loves you for you.

You are valid and deserve somebody who validates you too :)

godfatherfan · Answer

And you didn't tell her? WTF? Seriously, what the complete fuck? So you start out a relationship with a lie. But not just a tiny lie, a big giant huge fuck of a lie. There are plenty of people who wouldn't care, but I bet the majority of people would. First off, if I was someone that didn't care, I would immediately end it since you lied about who you were right out of the gate. This is something that should have been said right after your name, in a dating situation. Second, I would never want to date a trans person. If that is your thing, more power to you. But it isn't something I could stomach in a SO.
I am just beyond baffled and amazed you could keep something that big from someone and still think it is ok.

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

The sooner the better. But I would also say make sure you're safe.

Maybe float the topic somehow like asking her take on TERFs or trans rights. If she answers favourably, chances are good you can come out safely.

If she goes off the deep end, extract yourself and exunt post-haste.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

There's no right time to find out if someone will have a transphobic reaction.

I would suggest though that sooner rather than later is usually better, so people can't say they feel "decieved.

For your own sake, I would recommend before clothes come off and while you're in a public setting. If she goes off, you'll have witnesses and you won't end up in a he said/she said situation.

JustMeh1234 · Answer

You should have told her before dating. It is very dishonest of you that you let things go so far without telling her about it.

Sarahr123 · Answer

You should have told her before you let her kiss you. You’re not a real man you’re a biological female. I’d be pissed as hell if someone did that to me. Some of us want REAL men not women with mutilated body parts

devilman666 · Answer

Whenever you feel ready, though admittedly its probably best to get it out of the way as early as possible, it can save you both some potential heart ache. If I'm honest, the problem is probably less that you were born a man and more than you're dating women. If you were dating men then you could use fear and intimidation as excuses for why you waited so long, but since you're dating women and waiting this long you must be manipulative and evil.

natured · Answer

How about RIGHT NOW !!!  It's not fair to lead a person on, especially when it comes to your gender.  Please do it, if she really likes you she will accept it and continue seeing you.  Good luck

tuvwxyz · Answer

A better question is, why are you SELFISHLY avoiding telling her? You're likely eager to share with her all your best qualities, which reflect well in her mind, and serve your purpose of making YOURSELF desirable... why are you avoiding honesty when it doesn't serve YOUR interests? This is disrespectful to her, and weak on your part.

Sue_Free · Answer

It looks like you already did tell her and that she accepted you for who you are, which is great. I'm happy for you. To celebrate, let me share a joke with you.

"You know, love, you and I both have a lot of things in common. For example we both have no dicks."

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Apparently, it took you ten hours or less to find out yourself.
Why did you ask ''us'', then?

You see - to be a real-istic man you need to be able to make relevant decisions on your own (not saying that this does not also count for real-istic women).
Long way to go.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

I get not wanting to turn partners off immediately, but honesty is extremely important right away. If a girl I started dating didn’t tell me before the second date I would have a hard time not breaking it off on that point alone.
Even if they are okay with it, the fact that you waited until she developed feelings is going to cause some problems in the future.

K-I-S-S · Answer

And that's why people have trust issues.

Write it in your bio or tell it upfront in person.
Might not be easy and dating success goes down but a decebt thing to do, if aren't selfish.

Don't think it is right to shame trans people, you do you if that is what you want. Not my problem.

But you know that your gender matters a lot to most other people.

0112358 · Answer

The one trans man I know confided in me that he usually waits a couple dates to see if he feels comfortable with them but before getting intimate at all.

my sense is trans men can generally wait longer than trans women, as there's less risk of a -really- bad reaction.

Inexpensivefurniture · Answer

I'm also trans and I really don't think you should have waited past the first date to say something. What if that's a deal breaker? Wouldn't you wanna know before you start having feelings for her or vice versa? Personally I just put it in my dating bio.

Neko911 · Answer

You tell them on the first date... or prior to the first date. I get it's a hard thing to bring up. But it is something said potential partner should know

hahahmm · Answer

You should have told her before getting intimate in any way (kissing included) and before her friends/family could even think you're focused on each other/a couple. Then she could make a fully informed decision.

InferiorElegy · Answer

Before your first date, you should never trick the other person into going out with you, they need to be given the choice ahead of time, it's also for your own safety as well because the longer you wait to drop that kind of information the more heated it might be for the other person to get when they find out.

doopayo · Answer

Lmao the people over here getting mad at you not telling her your trans are something else. The only thing is maybe disclose your genitalia once it gets to a point where you’re close enough and feel comfortable

scentoflavender · Answer

I get that it can be a little nerve wracking, but honesty from the start I'd a good thing. 8m happy you found someone, and from the responses I see, someone who doesn't care about that. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Anonymous · Answer

How did it go when you told her? Was she upset you didn't tell her sooner? I get maybe why you waited, but I'd be upset you didn't tell me right away, before the first date even. Yes it's a risk, but then nobody's time is "wasted". I view it as a form of manipulation.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

@Asker - it's comical you say you "told her" and yet don't continue with what her response was. So I take it you're too big of a coward to actually say anything. .,

slatyb · Answer

You should have told her before the first date. But that’s past. Tell her now. I hope it works, but you should be prepared for rejection and heartbreak. She may be looking for a father for her children, and you can’t be that.

SamA_nold · Answer

You should tell that before you start dating, even if you don't believe the date will go well.

Ms_Vanderquack · Answer

Before the first date, but I guess you already fucked that up.

SphynxUK · Answer

I can’t believe the comments I’ve been reading. Are ‘a lot’ of you just ignorant? Are you misinformed? Transphobic or just trash?
If the responses are a true representation of the general public then what is the world coming too?

Anonymous · Answer

🤦‍♂️ You should've told her on the first date dude. Poor girl might be traumatized and have a mental breakdown. Not everyone likes trannies. Why you people doing this?
You should just casually ask her hypothetically how she feels about dating a tranny. If she says it's fine, stay with her. If not just leave and don't say nothing. You could do some serious psychological damage to someone. Ugh, you fucking deceitful people.

Guanfei · Answer

You should have told her right before the first date. You lied to her and now you're fucked.
You should tell her immediately and whatever she decide to do then is her business. If she throw you away, you had it coming.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Like first date or ideally before it. Congratulations on likely having someone now hate trans people.

Interstate · Answer

RIGHT AWAY!!! It should be before she gets TOO invested in the relationship, should she be or become uncomfortable with the situation. Then she can decide if she wants to make a move.

AmandaYVR · Answer

Right away.

UnknownGagsUser · Answer

Did you tell her yet I hope things still good after that.

supercutebutt · Answer

Show her with actions and not words. Just casually expose your genitals.

Anonymous · Answer

Should have told her when you met her. You have concealed what may be an extremely significant fact to her, and she may react with extreme hostility. Everybody is not okay with this silly "I was a girl but I'm a boy now" routine.

Jaximus-Lion · Answer

I would say like everyone else here and you told her. So! Is there any chance to ask you some question about the sex change?

HumbleMike · Answer

Reading through your replies on this post, it seems you've got this all under control. Gl on everything with the new girlfriend 😃

Mofunfour20 · Answer

She probably knows especially if you arnt deaf and she's heard the tone of your voice

Kontrvnote · Answer

You should have told that before y'all started dating. If you're trans then you should have told that at the moment you introduced yourself to her. Tell her right now.

KWill90 · Answer

Immediately. If not, you're a misleading fraud. This type of stuff gets trans people killed. It's not a game.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m sorry I might be called fucked up for this hut she shouldve known before it got physical unless you knew she was ok with that. not telling someone is quite manipulative

ToastyOats · Answer

There really is no good time to tell someone that is not specifically looking for that. Ideally you would have Already told her.

OfDeath · Answer

Now. I mean you should have already told her. You will, perforce, have to tell her or your relationship can't progress.

Pj1981 · Answer

The very moment you feel there could be anything more than just being associates. Friendship, or more serious they need to know

Anonymous · Answer

Now. You should have told her right up front. You have set things up for her to be shocked and angry (and probably really grossed out) that you mislead her.

TheFlak38 · Answer

hahahahaha this shit is hilarious! :D she will probably file a rape accusation.

genericname85 · Answer

you tell them right away. first date. and if you didn't yet, it's high time you do that. nobody likes liars and make believers.

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

Before you even start dating. I don't feel sorry for you if she leaves you for that for telling her just now. I would've done the same thing but if she doesn't then good for you.

ThatNoUVAtYourEyes · Answer

As soon as possible - for those remotely considering children/having babies, it is very important to know they could not accomplish that with you

SomeThrowAway · Answer

Immediately. Deception of this kind is completely unacceptable.

Strayedsoul · Answer

If its is meant to be, it will not interfere. However honesty is best in these situations and I would go ahead and tell her before she finds out later.

foundational23 · Answer

Uhhhh honestly you should of told her right away. Like hey my name is ***** I am trans. Just so you know. Hi 👋🏼. Lmao. I’m trans that’s how I could of started bruh..

Mangospacho · Answer

Just out of curiosity, why haven’t you told her already?

Yourfriend2021 · Answer

Tell her as fast as possible, she might not like that.

Anonymous · Answer

As a fellow trans person, I'd say to state that first above anything else. Be it either on an app self description or in text to her. Mostly to avoid transphobia, confusion and hurt feelings

SmokinAces2000 · Answer

You should have told her before you got into a relationship with her

OddBeMe · Answer

She thinks you’re a guy? Or you’re fem? What’s the plumbing like?

NightOwl8801 · Answer

I would tell her the next time you are together, least of all it lead to intimacy and well...

007kingifrit · Answer

so you aren't a real boy... yeah you should have told her that before the first date

Mia-Wallace · Answer

Yeah, you are manipulative.

Anonymous · Answer

So you have a vagina? You should have told her before the first date. Being deceptive to get someone to like you is wrong.

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