What to do when things are going terrible but you still really like the person?

[Anonymous]

i meet this girl earlier this summer and though we had a great connection and some potential. but seems to be constently something i'm doing that annoys her and i feel like things are going terrible but i still really like her. i see a lot of the girls she's friends with as they all work at the same restaurant , is a couple i've checked out before and i'm pretty sure she found out and was upset , but i just like looking at girls and it was really meaningless

i'm not sure if trying to maintain some sort of a friend ship is an option in this sort of situation

i really like her and don't feel like walking away at least not yet

Updates

+1 y

she's very good looking too , there all very attractive women if that helps to explain things

[Anonymous]

Don’t force something where it doesn’t fit. Maybe you like her but if she’s showing you that she doesn’t feel the same then do yourself a favor and let her go. Sure you could try and be friends but again, there’s no point in trying so hard if she just keeps knocking you down. Her being hot should not be a contributing factor as to why you let her treat you shitty. As far as checking out other girls who are her friends, unless you were being completely obvious (which is really rude, if so) then unless she likes you, then it doesn’t matter.

[Asker]

i talked to her again yesterday , i'm pretty sure she enjoys seeing me there. but it got weird , one of the girls from her work who i had checked out before got upset and came over to interupt us so i left. do you think she might also like me? why was she so upset i was talking to the other girl?

[Opinion Owner]

Please don’t take offense to this but I get the impression that you aren’t very good at reading women. It’s important not to mistake general interactions for them being interested in you. Right now I’m not getting the impression that either of them like you beyond friendship and enjoying your company. I don’t say this to bring you down or lower your hope, but the interactions you speak of just seem way too generic. There’s nothing that pops out to me that says “yeah, she’s into him” or anything of that nature. All I see so far is one girl keeps being mean and rejecting you but you keep trying to pursue. Now you’ve brought another woman into the mix and it’s like in your mind you’re the apple of these women’s eye when that may not even be the case..

[Asker]

the original girl has never rejected me , i've never like asked her out or anything like that. i meant things weren't going well because of the other girls.
i agree part of the problem is i'm seeing a lot of them at there work and true its hard to read those interactions truthfully. but i' ve had a lot of conversations with that girl and she'd always say hi to me , felt it went beyond typical behaviour , didn't feel she'd do it if she wasn't interested in getting to know me. i've been to a lot of restaurants and i wouldn't typically have conversations or get to know staff unless i felt a connection or reason to want to know them

she works with the other girl , she's been around all summer i didn't seek her out , but agree it complicates things and maybe unfair to them for me to be into both of them when i mainly wanted to date the first one

. original girl has other plans for the fall and not staying here anyways going off to school , not sure what other one is doing yet

[Asker]

to explain i find the second girl very appealing and attractive but more interested in a relationship with original one , just like her more.

i think the other one might be upset i only check her out a lot at work and want to have sex with her but i don't have the same friendly connection with her that i have with other one or just jealous i like the other one more

[Opinion Owner]

Well for clarification, when I say rejected, I don’t necessarily mean like you asking her out and her saying no. I’m really talking about her behavior, and how she always seems annoyed or like you’re doing something wrong. This only adds more to my feeling like she’s not interested, because if she were then she wouldn’t act like that. Like if I put myself in her shoes, I think I’d be annoyed too (no offense!). Because I’m trying to work, this guy keeps coming into my job, checking me and my friends out (pretty blatantly if you feel like they’ve noticed), but trying to talk and flirt (if you flirt) with me while I’m working. You see how that looks? If you’re a regular at this restaurant, of course she will be sociable. Again, don’t take his as me trying to douse your hopes or lessen your experience, just giving you outside perspective from a woman’s POV. The moral of this ultimately is, I’m not getting the vibe that she wants to be pursued by you and you’d be better of eating elsewhere..

[Opinion Owner]

If you don’t want to walk away and feel like something could genuinely be there, then you have to ask her out. Not right away, maybe ask for her social media, because for all you knows she could be dating or in a relationship. It would be nice to know for sure before making a move.

[Opinion Owner]

Is this place like a Hooters? Or somewhere similar to that where they dress in revealing clothes? That’s the vibe I get when you’re talking about how much you check them out. Mind you, that’s really uncomfortable, even you saying you want sex with one girl it’s like you’re completely sexualizing these women and visually tearing them apart. That’s really creepy, no offense, I’m just being honest..

[Asker]

i realise it was a mistake to check the girlfriend's out , there's another one who's she's friends with who also works there a brun , i just found her really appealing and couldn't help but notice her but i realised after that it wasn't the right time to do that.

have looked at both girls social media , well what's public , there aren't any pictures of either with guys or that show them dating anyone currently. the blonde ( second girl ) her insta is private so i couldn't see whats there but doesn't say anything about a boyfriend and pics of her on another site ( vsco ) don't show her with one. i've never asked if either are seeing anyone but seen no evidence they are

have though it might be a good idea to engage her in some convo either online or through text before attempting to ask for anything more , i don't have eithers # but never asked or been offered one

[Asker]

its a pub / restaurant. the blonde girl its summer so she seems to always be wearing tight blue jean shorts , i don't know if the top she wears is suppose to be revealing or she just has really big boobs cause you can't help but notice them. it does seem the owner has intentionally hired a number of attractive women to work there , it seems they wanted to work there for the $ and social atmosphere as there friends also work there. i'm not sure if there intentionally suppose to wear revealing clothes or not , has also been very warm here some days , was seeing them in June , July and now August the warmest months here

[Opinion Owner]

Ohh, this makes more sense then. Fun fact, I bartended in my younger 20s at a place that was restaurant/karaoke/bar. It was only for 3 years but since its a smaller town we had a lot of regulars and men who were just like you. 100% truth, these girls most likely have partners. Maybe not full blown relationships but men they are with. The social media you see also may not be their only pages. Back then my friends would have a public page and then one with a nickname you can’t find, it’s set to private and that’s where the family/relationship photos are. We did this to be safe, because some men were really weird, even waiting after we’d clock out so our manager or barback (both big men) would walk us to our cars after. It was such a fun job but those things made it hard and ultimately made me quit.

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately I have to stand by my belief that she is uninterested, especially knowing what kind of environment this is in. You have no idea how much of an eye roll it can be to have the same guys come in, hitting on all the girls or wanting to make a move.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel like you are missing a big part of what I’m saying and chose to focus solely on the statement I made about making a move. Which shows that you are fixated on progressing things with her, rather than looking at the signs that she’s uninterested...

[Asker]

ok never followed any of them to there cars after work or pressured them for private contact info. i agree that sort of atmosphere and environment is tough for a younger women. so perhaps some would lie about things or be friendly just to make tips. was a girl who worked there a couple years ago not there now , weird when i first meet her she was so nice and it seemed certain she liked me , well maybe she still did who knows. but it turned out she had a boyfriend and they had been together for like 5 years and are still together.

i never put any though into this girl having a secret instagram page , but have noticed some do have spam pages that are set to private where they post other things and even if i find it somehow its going to be private and not like i could try and add it rate now without setting off alarm bells as to how or why i went to so much trouble to find it

i'm pretty certain she at the very least feels were friends at the pub , don't think she'd talk to me or say hi every day if we weren't. i do think some of the girls who work there are annoyed at me and my behaviour around them when there. maybe they put up with it cause i went there a lot or they just knew i was a hurt guy who hadn't done well with girls and enjoyed seeing them there to fill in that gap

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely wasn’t trying to imply that you are following them to their cars or pressuring them, just mentioning my experience and how extreme some of these men could be. I do believe there could be an element of at least cordiality between you and her, she’s going to be professional at her job. All I’m saying is that you could really shift the dynamic between you two in a negative way if you become that guy at the bar checking all the girls out and making moves. I think it’s good that you recognize you were wrong for that though and want to correct it, that’s progress! Ultimately, if you still plan to frequent this pub then you have to play it a certain way. Otherwise even you won’t feel comfortable going there.

[Asker]

the vibe there shifts come fall anyways , a lot of the staff leaves for other jobs or returns to school so a lot of these girls won't be around much longer anyways , usually they stay until first week of Sep.

i did some digging on instagram to see if there is any secret accounts , there is a couple , some of her girlfriend's do have spam accounts set to private usually with 100 posts/followers but you can't see what they post

the only one i could see which has any connection to her is a joint spam account with one of her girlfriend's but just shows a picture of them and says 11 posts and set private , also see one for used clothes fo sale but goes back to 2019 and not current , just found another one in her name ' " her first/last name " spammmm only has 23 posts / 50 followers and private so no clue whats there

[Opinion Owner]

If you don’t mind me asking, what’s prompting this? Like digging around for their pages and doing all this digging, you don’t find that a bit odd or obsessive? No offense of course, it’s just you seem to search them all and have access to them all without them giving you that info.. but anyway, you may have found something or maybe not. Like let’s say her name was Jane Doe, she’d abbreviate it, use a nickname, middle name, add numbers,
I mean making it really hard to be found and as I said, it’s for safety. For instance, I had a friend I worked with named Kira but she used Nala online bc she loved that character from the lion king. You’d be surprised..

[Asker]

we all live in a small city , its not hard to find people on social media , i just looked through her good friends instagram follows and saw those 3 pages , pretty sure there all her's but no useful info there

thinking about this and honestly my best bet to further things with any girl from this pub would be to see them outside of it , you'd get answers pretty quick if you were at a private party with them as to who wanted to be friends or not , as they'd be off work and or even a different bar , you'd get a feel quickly for which ones felt a need to talk to me and which ones disappeared

[Opinion Owner]

I get the small city thing, I live in one as well, but regardless you’d still have to do a bit of digging and I’m like what’s the reason for it really. I don't know, I just feel like you’re setting yourself up. Maybe you like one girl most but you’re thinking about how to start something with any girl from the same work place and that’s just not a good thing. It will backfire..

[Asker]

i never put any though into these girls having second accounts on instagram until you mentioned it , i just scrolled through her one friends follow list to see if there were any such pages it took like 5 minutes and i found a couple but can't view them as there private

agree that i find multiple women from the same workplace attractive and interesting but not trying to date any girl there. been pretty focused on original girl i first mentioned which seems to have stirred up some jealously and hard feelings among others there. they may have been annoyed i talked to her so much and treated he politely and with more respect then i was treating the other girls

[Opinion Owner]

I’ll be really honest dude, I don’t think it’s a jealousy thing. I’m just saying this from a woman’s POV, not to offend you. I just think that as a guy, it’s hard for you to understand their POV, you’re seeing it as jealousy when really it’s most likely annoyance. The annoyance comes from the fact that you’re spreading your interest amongst more than one girl — you’re that guy in the bar. If you think they don’t talk and gossip amongst eachother you’d be crazy. If you’re a regular and checking these girls out (noticeably) then you’ve definitely come up in conversation at work and not in a good way. This is why I’m saying that you are setting yourself up being behaving how you do and thinking it goes unnoticed. They definitely see it and it’s shady.

[Asker]

i agree there is a difference in perspective here , one is male vs female , but also staff vs customer. so were seeing these interactions from a very different perspective. i feel like saying that blonde girl was jealous is similar to annoyed , obviously something about me talking to the other girl caused her to act that way.

part of the problem is i get bored easily and with covid seating is more restrictive and i tend to sit at the bar a lot so i'm near the servers a lot of the time and can easily look at them and check them out. to me it seems rather harmless as long as i'm not taking it anywhere and just enjoying there presence.
i also don't have a lot of male friends or influences there , obviously guys who go there but i'm not really friends with many of them , is no male servers and not sure if there has ever been one , is guys who work in the kitchen but i'd rarely talk to them , is a couple guy bouncers but they only work fri/sat nights

[In_Trance]

you put up with it. not sure what else you're looking for here

[Asker]

i feel like she's put up with it so far too but i may have taken things too far the other day , i'm not sure i see things getting better , i seem to get more attracted to these girls not less and trying to get along with them all

[In_Trance]

Until you learn to create boundaries, this will repeat itself

[Asker]

part of the problem is there's so many hot girls at this place , i'm like a kid in a candy store eyeing them all up. i'm been into some of them for a while , had seen some on social media before they worked there , so my interest in them wasn't new , just that we suddenly knew each other in person , agree some boundaries might help but my interest is so intense it be hard to follow

[In_Trance]

so, you put up with it

[Asker]

i saw her again yesterday and things seemed to be going good , was talking to her at work , just me and her but then one of her friends ( hot blonde girl ) who i've checked out a few times before there came over visibly annoyed to interupt us and i left , think she's jealous i like her friend more and actually interested in dating her

[exitseven]

Hang in there a little longer and see what happens.

[Asker]

i feel that long term her and her girlfriend's could offer more potential if i was able to stay close to them and they continue to work at that place , we 'd have an oppurtunity to get to know each other late on likely next summer

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO