Absolutely , especially when the girl leaves you for someone else or initiates the break up without really giving you an answer as to why she left you , or if you catch her cheating on you , It’s devastating cuz we don’t marry a girl for the short haul We marry her cuz we love her and want to spend the rest of our lives with her , When that sort of thing happens to anyone they usually blame themselves for why their partner left them , they think crazy things if they don’t have a solid answer as to why they left , When my ex wife cheated on me I was devastated, my mind was racing with things that I thought i did to make her do that to me and I thought did she lose attraction to me? did I get ugly? so much shit races through our heads when someone you gave your heart to walks out on you , so yes your confidence is shot , You don’t feel like you are attractive and you feel like something is wrong with you , especially as we get older we don’t feel as good as we once were , so for someone else to see you as attractive is hard to believe , it took me a long time to start dating again after my divorce and sadly to say the only way I would date is if the girl came on to me first , I didn’t feel confident in myself to pursue a girl I thought was beautiful, I immediately thought she won’t be into me so I didn’t take the chance , the first girl I ended up dating came on to me and made me feel awesome cuz she treated me like Gold and complimented me and I started falling for her , we dated for 6 months and every time we were together we had such a good time and yes lots of sex lol Things we’re going great until her husband showed up on my door step. So after her I pretty much threw in the towel But she did help boost my confidence again for me to pursue girls again , But it just seems like girls today just like the convenience of me , so for me to give my heart completely to a girl is going to take some time of her proving to me that she knows what it means to be in a committed relationship , I have hopes she is out there
I totally feel how you do in a lot of what you wrote here.
I say who on earth would find me attractive. I see the young girls and I smile remembering the days when I was a hot young thing.
When people guess my age they put me at 10 years younger than I am. Still doesn't change how you feel about yourself.
You are distrustful of everyone who shows interest.
That is so horrible what hapoened to you. I hate when marroed people do that. Happened to me but I never slept with the guy. I'm nit on the homewrecker vibes.
He still low key stalks me but he's calming down and soon it will all be a bad memory.
One thing I learned is age doesn’t really mean a thing when it comes to meeting someone that has a lot of the same interests , all that really matters is the chemistry and connection with each other , When I see a beautiful girl that catches my eye and I get the balls to approach her to talk to her , the first words out of my mouth aren’t How old are you lol that would be crazy And I like to think I am wise enough not to approach a girl that is underage, Knock on wood that has never happened to me but I have approached girls that had a decent age gap , if ii ever met a girl that was underage , then yes I would draw the line , I like o think I am wise enough not to do that , But All that matters is her and I have a great chemistry and connection , and enjoy each other’s conversation, the subject of age might come up later in the conversation but again that wouldn’t be my main concern , even if I found out she was 10 years older or younger then me , that isn’t going to stop me from liking her , The only thing age did to me was make me feel like I was lost in this generation that my jokes and things I grew up with that I enjoyed are all things of the past , If I talk about something from my past it seems no one knows wtf I am talking about lol Like if I mention a movie I thought everyone watched to find out they have no clue what I am talking about it blows me away lol So things like that make me feel lost cuz I am not used to what people are into these days , if it wasn’t for my kids I would be totally lost lol Especially with some of the words people say nowadays and what they mean , it’s like the words I used back in my teenage years don’t mean anything these days , it’s funny , But again those things aren’t going to stop me from liking a girl the only thing that stops me is when she treats me like a convenience , I blame a lot of it on social media , brainwashing people to be a certain way and look at things a certain way , people have become more selfish
And less content with each other , comparing their lives to other’s , people having the technology just to enter into your life , It wasn’t like that back then
It affects a lot of things, confidence is just one of them. The thing I fear the most is ending up in another unhappy marriage, because it's always a gamble. Everything can seem right and you both get along and like each other and decide to get married. Then one day later on, you are sitting there listening to a person you never met. Darkness that was hiding under the surface, surfacing and next thing you know, you are back to shutting up, hiding away and shrinking because you just don't want to fight all the time. And the only way to have peace, is to keep your mouth shut. I can't do that again. The idea of driving home from work, fearing what could have possibly gone wrong while you were at work. Knowing there is a 60/ 40 change you will have to endure yet another night of endless bitching, degradation, being demeaned, insulted and having you value you stripped from you again and again and again. Then you look at the gas truck next to you hoping it runs over you to bring you sweet mercy. Living in fear all the time. Never knowing what's going trigger the tirade where entire life history reimagined in the most evil and degrading way possible, again. Then she wants sex. Meanwhile, after the 30,000th argument, you just no longer have the strength to fight back anymore. So you pray for death, but don't even have the courage or dignity to do it yourself. However, I am all good now! The further I get away from "D" day, the better I am. It's no longer so recent, but I don't want to relive hell with another person, I'd rather die alone; but that's not my preference. So, yeah. I have a little trepidation regarding relationships. I know there are good women, really decent people to be with. I have seen them, unsurprisingly all taken. Maybe it will happen for me, maybe it won't. I am not afraid to try, though.
Wow. Sounds like you had a rough go. Men's emotions are really disregarded.
I did too and am glad I left.
Kids are happier too and aren't so tantrumy and volatile.
But as you had pointed out on one of my previous posts what low value I am in the dating market, you don't want to put yourself out there since these types of attitudes exist.
Also, a lot of people are bad news because people are seriously lacking social skills.
What did I say was low value about you? And to clarify, that's only an observation based on market forces it's not a personal slight and I hope you didn't take it that way. Because, well I am low value as well. I am not 6 ft tall, for one. And I am divorced with older children and I don't want anymore kids. Other guys my age, who have never been married and just worked, want to 20 somethings to make babies with. So I have a limited set of availability. Women who want to reproduce don't want me. So again, whatever I said wasn't meant to be a personal slight. You seen like a perfectly nice person, who has suffered injustice. I get it. We're damaged goods, by default less desirable. Difference is, you can have sex whenever you want, I would have to put in effort... But I am not a hook-up kinda guy. It's just not my thing, so I go without.
Thanks for saying it wasn't personal. I did take it a way tbh.
Divorced mother of three looks horrible on paper. And that's fine. I guess just by virtue of being female, there will always be interested men but this doesn't boost my confidence. Just makes me suspicious since the overarching message is someone look me shouldn't expect anyone to take you seriously. I mean that's all you hear.
Maybe we both need to ignore the noise?
I didn't realise not being 6 ft was such an issue! To me that speaks to a lot of shallow people not worth connecting with.
Getting sex whenever I want isn't advantageous for a woman. Esepcially one who has cubs to look out for.
I can empathise with your predicament as well. Particularly since sex is a physical need for men.
Ah yes, the 3 kids. That's the big ask, because you are looking not only for a husband, but a step father, the world's most thankless, agonizing job in the world. How old are your babies? Older is better. Ignore the noise? Well sure and yeah, most people are shallow and selfish. And I am not interested in those type of people anyway. People put way too much emphasis on sex and that get's a lot of people in some deeeeeep shit. And certainly, I wasn't suggesting that you become a whore, just that you can hold a sign up in a park and in less than 5 minutes you'll have suitors, where men by default have to work much harder.
I do want to clarify that sex for men is a physical need... No, only in the context of a relationship is sex a need. It can make or break a relationship. I can digress on that if you wish, but men don't have to do 'it' to live and feel good when they are single and sex isn't readily available. To me, sex isn't worth the drama with somebody who is just a fling. And there is always drama. I have to at least like the person attached to the vagina...
People assume I'm looking for a Dad for my kids. I want a man for myself.
My kids have a father who is more involved now that we are divorced ironically.
People assume that they need to pay for my kids. They have never needed for anything and don't need for anything now.
People assume a lot of things instead of actually looking at a person as a human being with a specific situation that should be looked into.
My kids are young. I'm not looking. I get men showing interest in me and I am just apprehensive because the mood out there is that divorced single mothers are a step above lepers so I am just really suspicious of them.
Step above lepers... lol.. Actually, divorced mothers are a pretty large step above baby-mama's. It's great that your ex is taking an interest in the kids, but regardless the kids are there. And someone stepping in has to deal with them and you parenting them without being able to parent them. So while the financials are apparently squared away, it's still obviously not a great position to get into if you are looking at it from a man's perspective. Plus this man has to do the delicate balance between you and your ex, with regards to the kids. So it's great that you both have taken great pains to minimize the pain on the children and be good parents in a bad situation, but someone new walking into this is walking into a world they don't understand the dynamics of and is at high risk of pissing one of the two of you off, no matter how quality his character. Any chance at reconciling with the ex, or were the sins too deadly?
I guess it just gets my goat someone who was good enough to marry, procreate and reside with suddenly is this awful orson because their relationship failed.
You are now downgraded to cum dumpster. I mean what the hell is wrong with people?
I don't know what the future holds re reconciliation. I don't desire it.
All true what you say. As I said, I'm not looking but if people keep showing interest in me (to my surprise honestly) I'm not going to stop myself from exploring options that intrigue me.
Well anybody who is quick to disregard the fact that you have 3 little ones, definitely wants to just use you as a cum dumpster. I was postulating what kind of relationship would work best for you, but I failed to take into account what you want. What do you want? And are you willing to make any concessions? Would a non-live-in long term situation work for you? Or do you want traditional, date, court, marry? Yes, men will want to fuck you. And many will lie to fuck you and then bury you and brag about it to their friends. So caveat emptor. Or married men who want you on the side. Since you will be attending children's events, there will be interested men... who are married. You don't have the luxury of running dudes through your living room in front of your kids and I figure you know that. But you got a situation where you and a man will have to work through list of stuff to have something, honest to goodness worth keeping and working on. Like I know the parameters someone's situation has to be, for me to want to try and make something work with them. I at least know whom to eliminate...
I wouldn't like to be alone in 5 years no but if all that is being offered are mind games and invitations to infidelity alone is really the best bet! I hope you find someone who fits with you sooner than later. 🤗💙
I think it does because its the most absolutely stressful thing to go though , especially if there is to be an asset split or if there are children involved , no matter how someone may feel about you , you have this mindset of " Im not going though this again " and to really get yourself together really takes a couple of years. I would classify going though that ( many years ago ) and possibly my worst ever experience , it feels like everyone is out to get you , to try and stay positive is really really tough , so it certainly hinders " starting again " .
The mountain at times seems insurmountable , you do eventually get there , my advice to people going though this , step by step , it does get better. But , to a degree the toughest part , being dictated to by another on child care ( especially if you dont have faith in them ) is the toughest , or you know their shortcomings , and the games they play for positioning / posturing.
Woman that's a 5 dates a 7. She meets a 9 that dotes on her and she leaves the 7 for the 9. He feels like a 4. "Aim high" might be a good lesson here but everyone is already doing that and it doesn't work. Aim for love and you won't be disappointed.
Good question. For me it isn’t about confidence in myself but more about how much the dating world has changed. Then again i have basically never been single. Starting dating my ex at 14, divorced at 46
Not really? It's more ageing that starts to fill me with doubts. I did better with women right after my divorce in my late 30's than I do now. Hair is starting to turn gray, slowly getting chubbier etc.
I try to dye my hair sometimes, but I think I have allergies to the chemicals. I temporarily lose skin pigmentation, like my face gets kind of pale and my scalp gets irritated. The hair looks good though. Maybe I could go blonde or something? 😅 The chubbiness is an on going battle. I can definitely fix that because I'm quite athletic and love to exercise, but when I see my hair I kinda feel like "What's the point?" Do I wanna be a grey haired guy with a sexy body? That's weird, I might as well go eat and daydream about being hot again. LoL!
My own divorce back then had rather left me with increased self confidence. Financially, I of course had been fucked over (as one would expect). But my spirit could not be broken.
Haven't been divorced but would definitely get back out there immediately. By the time the actual paperwork was completed I'd want to have a good active rotation of dates going.
How the hell would making a bad enough judgement call about women that you went through a divorce do anything but destroy your confidence to talk with women?
Because getting a date , for a guy at least, is like a full-time job, requires a lot of time, money abd effort. Requires the ability to take lot of rejection at a time when I wasn't feeling to confident obviously.
I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore and error in the side of caution when deciding to approach or not. Most times this means not approaching.
Because I tried online dating and it basically made me feel like crap.
So I gave up, like a lot of guys. Besides I wanted a family and wasn't interested in sleeping around and most women who wanted children had them by then.
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