Guy was asking me out, then I told him my recent ex is someone he knows... then he stopped responding, why?

[Anonymous]

So this guy has been after me for the last year but I was seeing a different guy off and on who I was crazy for. They both went to school together and were friends 10 years ago and are friends on social media. But they aren’t actual friends now and don’t see eachother.
So, this last week me and my ex ended things because it got too complicated due to outside factors although there are still feelings between us.
Guy 2 asked me out that night, so I said sure and he was super interested texting me until I asked him if he knew my ex (since I saw they were friends on social media) and he told me just what I wrote above. But he asked if we were cool and I said no, we broke up and it really hurt so I wanted to know if they were friends before we go out.
The whole night passed and he stopped responding. The next night I asked him when he wanted to go out, and he never responded back. It’s been 2 days since then and nothing.
Do you think he reached out to my ex? Would guys do that? Or did he just lose interest because of what I asked him?

[GoldenCage]

Well I would've done the same too even if I didn't reach out to my friend.

I mean there are many red flags in the story. I don't get involved with people who say they had a long term on and off relationship. It shows a lot about their inability to sustain distance in long run from their ex. Also it shows that they always fall back to what's familiar and comfortable rather than staying alone. It indicates that they make wrong judgement and stay in toxic relationships where one party has more power than the other. It's really a deep issue with boundaries and healthy emotional connection with their ex.

It also shows their inability to resolve conflicts so they keep breaking up with someone they still love and fall back again. So poor boundaries, lingering pain, no proper conflict resolution skills, and an imbalance love with their ex. I mean no thank you.

There is no such thing as on and off relationships. It is just one long term bad relationship with lots and lots of pain and disappointment. Until that cord is cut completely you two are still attracted emotionally.

The other red flag is the fact you broke up last week. Like wtf do you have issues staying by yourself. Last week is too soon to start seeing another guy. Adding the on and off nature of that relationship. How the new guy doesn't know this is just another one of your 'offs' like only time can tell.

You say you told him you're still severely hurt by the break up.. yeah you're still not over your ex obviously.

And lastly he knew the guy. So he most probably knows what type of a guy he is or heard about him even if they're not close friends. He doesn't have to reach out to know that he needs to stay away from this mess.

And by the way your fear that he might reached to your ex is not an indicator of complete trust on what your ex says about you behind your back.

I'm not being mean here I'm just putting myself in the new guy's shoe. And I'd do the same definitely.

My advice to you to let him go and don't ask him if he reached out and don't ask your ex if they talked about you either. Take charge of your life and stop this on and off nonsense.

[Asker]

The on and off was because he was here when we met (on) but he moved away (off) and came back (back on) and then was jobless and was going to move away again (now off) ... not because of anything else... it was just his job instability and moving away. And this guy asked me out when we broke things off. I didn’t reach out to him first. But I was open to going out with him since I feel I need to move on with my life since the guy I have feelings for is moving away.

[Asker]

But I can understand him not wanting to become involved in this mess given I still have feelings for my ex and he probably still has feelings for me but there’s not more we can do

[horatiohornblower]

That’s a touchy subject. For some guys that would be a severe guy code violation. Ending a friendship.

Other guys are fine with buds dating their ex. So, it really depends on the guy.

But given you just broke up. It’s probably a no go. He’d have to know you’re worth destroying his friendship for. As in you’re the one.

Also guy friendships. When it comes to high school or childhood friends never really end. I can see a friend I haven’t seen in fifteen years. At that moment. It’s like those fifteen years never happened. We’ll pick up like we last saw each other yesterday.

[Asker]

Ok that makes sense. I don’t have many friends so it’s never happened to me... do you think it’s possible he talked to my ex? Because now I don’t know if I should reach out to my ex?

[horatiohornblower]

He might have, just to see how he felt about you. To gauge whether or not he has any real feelings about you or how major your relationship was.

He may also have simply asked for his blessing to pursue you. I know i have if I hit it off with a girl and know she’s the ex of a bud.

[horatiohornblower]

To put it more succinctly. If I was talking with a girl and liked her. Then found out she was the ex of a friend. I’d be on the phone with my friend within five minutes of leaving her.

If the date was still on. As soon as she went to the bathroom. I’d call or text him immediately. To get the all clear. Just in case something happens.

[Asker]

Oh damn.. even if they haven’t talked for 10 years too? I wonder if that’s what happened...

[horatiohornblower]

If he was a good friend. Yea, I’d still contact him. Because I’d still think of him as a good friend. I haven’t been in the situation where I haven’t seen a friend for a long time then chanced across an ex. Just with a current friend and ex. But I feel I’d still contact him.

[Anonymous]

Probably doesn't want to have a thing with his friend's ex. Also you broke up a week ago.

[Asker]

He doesn’t know when we broke up

[Anonymous]

Maybe he didn’t want any problems with him

[Asker]

Do you think there’s a chance he talked to my ex?

[Opinion Owner]

Possibly if he knew him well enough to talk about things like that, would your ex give you a bad rap?

[Asker]

I don’t think so.. im not sure... we didn’t really want it to end but we felt it had to? He just isn’t in the place to date right now since he may be moving away but he also may not, he’s all over the place so we just had to end it since it caused me pain.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah it’s hard to know without talking to the guy that you were talking to