Is chemistry instantaneous or developed over time? How important is chemistry to a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing a gentleman for a few months now. He's everything I've been seeking in a man; smart, dependable, ambitious, and sweet. He's good at making conversation, but I'm unsure of the chemistry between us. The silences feel more awkward than comfortable (from my perspective, anyway) and while his bear hugs are great, it doesn't feel intimate in the same way it did with past boyfriends. I still don't feel totally comfortable with initiating touching or kissing, despite his encouragement. I find myself anxious if I'm being weird or awkward, he insists I am neither.
Something just feels off, and I don't know what it is! I have experienced abusive relationships in the past, so I wonder if my emotional programming doesn't know what to do with his kindness or it's a chemistry issue. I know I tend to be attracted to narcissistic men (outwardly & socially confident, internally insecure), which he is not (very internally secure & stable), is that why it feels wrong?
He's just so perfect for me, why doesn't it feel "right"?

Instant

Over Time

Updates

+1 y

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[TommyMountainFigure]

You hit the nail on the head in your question. Abusive relationships tend to make you feel that IF a guy isn't being abusive then it just means it hasn't happened yet.
You do need to reprogramme your whole outlook around relationships because if you don't? then you could throw away something that is possibly the best thing that's ever happened to you.. And you know the saddest part of that? If you DO lose him you'll be doing so because of all those swines that have abused you in the past!
My advice? Talk to him about how you've been treated in the past and let him know that it could take a while for you to learn to trust him! He sounds like the sort of guy who will understand!

[Asker]

I do trust him. I believe he is the person he says he is and is honest about his feelings. I've been in good relationships too, and what the good and bad had in common was there was always some "spark" of attraction, chemistry, whatever it is. Some intangible quality that made them magnetic to me, that made me want to be around them, touch them, learn more about them. It's just not there for this guy and it makes me want to cry.

[TommyMountainFigure]

It's one of those things cannot be controlled by emotion. Chemistry isn't something you can force. It's either there or it isn't.

[jasco]

It can be both depending on the partner and their relationship

[Titttybear]

Almost instant

[driven159]

its both sometimes