Confused, don't know what to do?

[Anonymous]

So, this girl that I'm crazy about, tells me that she needs a break.. I said okay but I don't want any communication between us during the break... well the next day she hmu on snap saying she doesn't want our streak to end and that it's important to her... I said okay fine... and now just today (2 days later) she sends me video of her crying saying she's having a very bad day... told her I'm always here for her... so now I don't know what to do or say or anything... so confused... need help and advice lol

[HollyK21]

Maybe it would be good for you to stick to that break, to be honest. Nothing against her, she just sounds very wishy-washy and it’s not fair for you to be put through the wringer just because she can’t make up her mind. If this is a personality trait of hers then that indecisiveness will likely be an issue in the future. If you want you can address this with her and have a real conversation, but I wouldn’t continue in that sort of game-playing situation if I were you. It’s just unhealthy.

[Asker]

My head's been spinning constantly ever since the break, can't stop thinking about her... she admitted to me that it's clear that she had committment issues and fear and that it feels like she's broken.. needed time to figure out her feelings and everything... but after this, I don't know if I should say something like "completely up to you if you wanna tell me what's wrong, but I'm always here if you need me"

[HollyK21]

I think that is the prime issue right there: she hasn’t healed from her past trauma. I know you probably have that desire to support her, be there for her, “fix” her, etc, and you aren’t wrong for that. But until she does the work on her own to heal from her past, then she will always use it as a crutch to excuse her bad behavior, and you will repeatedly find yourself paying for another man’s mistakes, which is not fair. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself constantly, reassuring her all the time that you won’t hurt her, that you aren’t her ex, etc etc. This will become draining and your mental health should come before a relationship. That is exhausting and unfair to you, because you don’t strike me as the type to unload all of your baggage onto someone else, and only having a “broken” version of yourself to bring to the table. That’s why you seek a person who meets your standard and can be the proper sort of person in a relationship.

[Asker]

I know I know I know... she always keeps thinking that I'm gonna do to her exactly what her ex husband did to her... but I would never. She doesn't think that if we were together and serious, that I'd beable to step up... but you're right, I feel the real urge to support her and be there for her and everything.. and it's killing me that I can't be there with her right now... just something about her drives me crazy and I don't wanna give up on her

[HollyK21]

But don’t you feel like that’s an issue? “She always keeps thinking that I’m gonna do to her exactly what her ex husband did”, that’s you having to be the villain before you even get to be yourself, and that’s just not fair. When you start dating someone, it should be with a clean slate. Just as you feel the desire to prove yourself, you should seek someone with that same mentality. Not like this, where you’re trying to convince someone to give you a proper chance, when you aren’t expecting that energy from her. As of now it sounds like you’ve become a convenient shoulder for her, and expected to accept her whiplash behavior. As a put-together adult, you should seek someone who has their stuff together as well, not a person still reeling from her ex and in no position to be a good girlfriend because of this. She should be single, consider therapy and start doing the work to close that door before trying to date anyone at all.

[Asker]

You make all valid points. It's really hard for me because I have the biggest heart and when I care for someone as much as I care about her, it's almost impossible for me to just quit on her. As long as she tries to get help and better herself mentally, I'm hoping we can work out

[HollyK21]

I definitely get where you’re coming from, I was in a situation similar a long time ago and I think even if this weren’t the situation, it would still be hard to walk away. On one hand you don’t have to end that until you’re ready, because it has to feel right to you. But maybe you shouldn’t have any expectations and just treat her as your friend. Maybe you are wanting a relationship, but you want it to happen when she’s in a healthier place. Feelings aside, you have to look at her mental state in a realistic way, and she really has to recover from the divorce. It’s like someone with an alcohol addiction, you can’t take convince them to join you at the bar knowing in the back of your mind that they will surely overdo it, but hoping they’ll show restraint because they’ve been calming down with the drinking, you know? If she needs help, it’s going to take her recognizing the issue and being ready to do the work. Until she does that, it’ll constantly be this situation.

[Asker]

She knows I want a relationship and to be serious with her. That's when she told me about her commitment issues and fears because when she found out I wanted to be serious, it pushed her away pretty much. She doesn't know how she feels

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. With that in mind I have to ask (and I say this respectfully of course), but if she knows you want a serious relationship, and it’s pushed her away, then what’s prompting you to dig in deeper? When you say this, it just sounds like you are are treating her rejection as some sort of obstacle rather than accepting it and moving on.

[Asker]

I know... it's all fucked up and confusing... I'm wishing for a lot with this girl and setting myself up for a big disappointment probably

[HollyK21]

I get it. Well in an honest way, maybe it’s better to focus on your friendship with her, and not to have any expectations. It’s not to say she doesn’t like you, and if anything I think she knows you’ll at least be there for emotional support. But what you don’t want is to keep approaching the situation hoping for that end goal when romance isn’t on the table, but then you’ll definitely be settling yourself up to get hurt and that’s just an unnecessary outcome when you already know what she’s offering. I get that you like her a lot, but remember, this isn’t just about you, and you have to respect that she’s still healing from one failed relationship, not in a position to be a proper girlfriend to you or anyone else at this time.

[Asker]

She told me she likes me a lot... and yeah clearly there's some issues from the past that she's gotta get over and learn from