Does response time matter to you?

[Anonymous]

So I'm recently seeing this guy, and he gets mad at me whenever I take an hour or two to response. But I'm busy. I just finished my finals and have started training for a new job. He argued that even though I'm working from home, I take too long to response. I tried to defend myself by explaining that if I have stuff to do, I am not looking at my phone often.

He takes like 5 seconds to respond. As soon as I send a text, it takes him less than 5 to read and respond. Whereas I'm the opposite. I do take a few minutes to respond, and he doesn't like that. But I'm not someone who is glued to my phone 24/7 either. But I'm getting pretty tired. He wants 'updates' about what I'm doing every hour while he's at work. But gets mad if I don't message him every hour and starts questioning me.

Am I just being a bad girlfriend? I really don't think its that serious? I'm not ignoring him or taking days to respond, so I think its just a silly thing to get pissy about. I don't know. Tell me what you think please.

[Nawlins34]

Thought #1
You're "outside" of his league. If a guy dates a woman he knows he shouldn't be able to pull AND he's insecure, this will heighten his insecurities. He will assume any moment you're quiet, another man is hitting on you and pulling you away from him.

When the truth is, you're getting tired of his insecurities. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy because he actual does lose you and guess who looks better in your eyes? A guy who isn't insecure.

Thought #2
He's not emotionally mature. He could also be manipulative as well. He probably thinks him answering in 5 seconds or less is setting the tone and you're not matching his.

Productive people have stuff to do.

I used to be like this guy, but it was when I wasn't mature. Now? Response time matters from a safety perspective. Context matters.

You're not being a bad girlfriend at all, but you may have to communicate more.
So what you can do (if you haven't already) is let him know.

"Hey, from xxxx to xxxx I'm working and my responses will be delayed."

If he can't handle that, this is an issue because that really isn't a lot to ask of him.

Every hour on the hour is unrealistic. Thoughtful, but unrealistic.

You need to get to the root of his reasoning, this is a symptom.

Without doing this, you are being dismissive and discounting his concerns, that would be a bad girlfriend.

So the main objective is, find out why he's doing this and give realistic counters that reassures him. if he's still having issues, you have an emotionally immature guy and you need to decide if that is attractive to you or not.

Just my take, be safe and good luck.

[Asker]

I have communicated to him many times that during the day, I am occupied with my work and when I had my finals. I even had to ask him to go easy on me with that, as ridiculous as it sounds. He would still get mad at me for responding late. His reasoning is that he just can’t trust anything without physical proof. My word is never enough. I feel like no matter what I do or how many times I have given in to his other requests, it still never is enough. It is very draining.

[Nawlins34]

"His reasoning is that he just can’t trust anything without physical proof. My word is never enough." - Bingo #1 thought

You're right and unfortunately, your words OR actions never will be enough for this type of guy. He has to grow out of his insecurities on his own, it's his journey.

I'm not sure he can do it in a relationship.

I agree! It really is draining, like stress comes free in this world, you don't have to date for it.

[Asker]

I’m now unsure of this relationship. Prior to us dating, he had a very different attitude (ofc maybe he wasn’t sure to show me that side of him). But now I feel like we’re not compatible. I’m a very secure person in myself and my relationships. Whereas he is not. We’re also in our 20s and I feel like I’m much more mature than him emotionally. I just don’t see it going anywhere good. Its not healthy.

[Anonymous]

No. you are not being a bad... friend at all.
My best friend takes days some times. Of course he is married and busy so I understand.
your "friend" is very insecure and clingy. He likely does not have productive things to do. If so - not a good sign. If he can't give you space now imagine how he will be if you where married. This is the time to REALLY look at some one BEFORE you get serious. RESPECT, TRUST are absolutely what you need to watch for. Might I suggest you give him a Time period during the week to call you. A REALLY small window. Instead of him turning you into his pet you might try holding the leash and take him for a walk.
And yes I am a man telling you to take control. Demand the respect you deserve or get walked on. Its up to you.

[Asker]

We call often. I try and voice how I feel about the whole thing, but he always just says for me to understand his side and to not take long to respond even if I’m doing something. He has apologised for always questioning me but then also asks me not to bothered with him doing so. I told him its got to stop though because we won’t go anywhere if he can’t trust me.

[Opinion Owner]

If I was your dad I would be red flagging this boy. Even with as little as I know - This is a bad sign of cleanliness and insecurity. I would defiantly talk with your parents about this even if you are an adult. Don't just walk this alone and talk online with people who are not in your personal life physically with you.

[Opinion Owner]

LOL I just remembered a girl I knew when I lived in New York. Her guy friend paged (old tech) several times while we all where at a gathering. She is not rude so she didn't call till we where leaving. Those days it was land lines and she asked to use the host's phone. I could hear the complaining he was doing squeaking over the phone. She stood there "umhum... umhumm. Ok I hear you now you gona hear me. Honey I got a life. And you ain't got no ring on my finger. So I ain't at your beck and call. You keep this up you won't talk to me at all. Am I clear?" " Now get your life together and go make something useful of yourself if you want to save this thing we got going. No way am I doing all the work if I do get a ring. Get so busy you ain't got time to call me. Now buy and... love you."

Great memories. Might adopt some of that. Make the man know he needs to earn it like they used to in the old days. That is how you get the good man.

[whereismyjohnny]

Well, it depends. Everyone has life and they are busy with something, so I don't expect people to answer immediately and I'm completely okay with late replies, but if they are online and avoiding answering (or answer a few days after) it shows that they don't care 🤷🏻‍♀️

[LazerBean]

It depends. My husband always gave me warning when he was going to be busy, so it was fine. If they are always just aloof for no reason I would assume it's because they dont really care.

[Asker]

If I’m not doing anything or not really busy, I take less than 5 mins to respond. But during the day I am occupied with my new work stuff. So I don’t look at my phone every few minutes. He gets mad if I take an hour to respond and starts to question me. He always needs to see proof of what I’m doing.

[LazerBean]

Then he's probably just possessive and insecure.

[ohshee]

Will be careful he's trying to show you who he is and he gets kind of cranky if you can't call you or you don't do what he wants you have to look at it and what it really is at the same time when you just think he's just being him it's true it's kind of a control or manipulation it in the long run watch and see he needs to understand you all the way and who you really are and understand what you're going through and how mentally and physically draining what you're going through and if you cannot understand the respect that instead of trying to control you that's just not right

[Peanut38]

Response time doesn't matter to me at all. I prefer to call directly anyway. I sometimes don't look at my phone for an entire day even. People are just so whiny and insecure, it's ridiculous. 50 years ago people had perfectly fine relationships even without texting each other every 5 minutes.

[AviatorTom]

Response time only matters to me if it's an emergency. If I text someone with an emergency (say their daughter was just in a car crash and is on her way to the hospital), a quick response is expected. Otherwise, take your time to respond. I don't understand why so many people are into "instant gratification" and go nuts when they don't get it.

[DarkWinterNights]

Someone who needs a response right away would probably frustrate and smother me into a breakup. I have a busy work life. Sometimes I take a nap when I get home. I’m also not going to text and drive. Text me whenever, but don’t expect me to drop everything to response.

[Fireguy17]

Some people believe it or not have lives besides being tied to their phones, yet others need the instant gratification of someone waiting for attention from them, and get upset with the fact that you are not waiting to be summoned by them.

[abc3643]

Considering I am a control systems engineer, yes, response time is vital to me. So is overshoot and system stability.

[slatyb]

HUGE RED FLAG. Dump him. This should be a complete deal-breaker.

[Wise4myage]

Yes, it does matter to me because it can show a lack of interest.

[Asker]

But what if she's busy?

[Wise4myage]

That's no excuse.

[Asker]

So if she has other obligations, having to respond when she can is not acceptable?

[Wise4myage]

Yes, because it only takes minutes to reply, and know one is that busy.

[IsoUser]

If he cannot understand that you have more things in life going on than checking your phone than he is the guy with the issue!

[Pyrofox]

He sounds SUPER insecure about the relationship.

[Asker]

I’ve realised he is super insecure in general

[Pyrofox]

I've always made it important to tell my girlfriend to take the time to figure out what she wants to say. Before responding. ^w^ I simply told her that her responses are much more sincere when she writes out what she is trying to say.

[Intothevoid666]

It sure matters to women

[Slim57]

Yeah but only if it's days at a time

[Abdulwahh]

he's crazy we are adult and yes adults are busy