I am currently seeing a guy and I got to know that his previous relationship was a type of "femdom" thing and now I lost all the attraction?

[Anonymous]

Am I been unreasonable? I just can't think of being with a guy who has been into that stuff.

[coldmarch]

I think that if you get to understand better how "femdom" works, you might see it as more acceptable. First of all this guy did that with his ex. That means, -both- together created that roleplay. Unless he is obsessed with bdsm things, if you're not into that it won't come as a natural thing in the relationship and not even requested by him. Well, if he is obsessed and "needs" that, then you're going to be not compatible in a relationship, but as long as he isn't, this is the past and it's something that happened -because- of his ex too, not just him alone. Chances are he was just experimenting/exploring (and if you ask me, while I'm 0 into bdsm, I think this is a good thing because a guy without taboos who enjoys any role can bring a more creative and active sexual life, in general, perhaps pulling the partner out from shame and self-imposed limits, too).
Now, about how femdom works: it doesn't mean your guy was being locked onto a wall and whipped. Femdom means that there is an agreement of roleplay where the female dominates the guy, which is a psychological dynamic that can be expressed in many forms: you think about the whip but it could be made through just being stepped on by the girl (even with regular sneakers), having the girl sitting on your face, having the girl soft-punishing you for not being a good boy and do the easy tasks she wants, etc. It's all a game where they pretend to get those roles, but then wouldn't have them "in the real facts", outside of that. Some guys like to have some of those experiences (as long as they don't represent the "reality" of their social role), because in those cases they look for a moment where they don't have any responsibility and are not expected to do anything to do excel at anything. Being dominated, "managed", directed etc, allows that if you remove your breaks, and gives a moment of "freedom", but it implies of course a strong trust on the partner who wouldn't abuse that, nor "enjoy for real" to humiliate the partner. This is the core of "femdom", then what they -do- under such dynamic can be soft or extreme and probably this is where you can better see how "weird" he is for your tastes.
Because of what I said, you will be surprised that customers of prostitutes that do femdom are likely bosses/leaders, or anyone who holds responsibilities by leading something, and wants a moment of total dircharge from any of that.
So before taking steps back, I would suggest to ask him more about that, to understand to what extent he did these practices and if they are acceptable for your view (although the core at the root is the same), and how much he is into that: if he is too much, it means you can't be in a relationship because you wouldn't give him that type of experiences. If this isn't so much part of his fantasies and they just experimented, then I wouldn't turn off instantly a potentially good sexual partner (as long as you are interested in the sexual aspect, ofc).

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I mean, your preferences are valid, too. But it's also good to recognize his needs in this relationship with you might be different.

Have an honest talk about sex - what you like, what you want, what you're looking for; and vice versa for him.

Maybe that dynamic was more just that one femdomme and with you he'll have a different approach.

This said, if you're very against kink in all its forms, you're better off breaking up and finding someone who matches your values. It's just fair for the both of you. He won't get what he's looking for with you, either.

[BradBoy]

I may some commonality with the kinda guy you're referring to so I think it feels unreasonable to me because of that. I'm bi, so I already deal with a lot of women who are against that and have refused to date me because of that. It seems to come with some kind of stigma that I'm really just gay and can't accept it and I don't really have interest in women, I'm just in denial or I'm going to cheat on them with a guy because that's clearly my preference. My current girlfriend pegs me with a strapon sometimes. Even if I wasn't bi or a women didn't know, I feel like I'd get judged for having ever agreed to do that. She brought it up though, not me and it had nothing to do with my being bi. She likes her turn to be in charge and do a little role reversal and we both love it. It doesn't mean I have to have it in any future relationship and I wouldn't relentlessly demand it, but I do it and it's fun for both of us and I hope I wouldn't be broken up with automatically for ever having done it. She knew that I had a relationship previously where I'd wear a bra and panties/thong for my partner because he was into it and I find some of them comfy to wear, and luckily she didn't judge me for it. She doesn't find it appealing in any way really, so I don't ever put those on when she's around if I get in the mood for it. If you're referring to some deeper, darker stuff that might be different and envelopes his entire life then you're probably better off distancing yourself from it, but it doesn't feel right to me to judge someone for things they did with someone else. It won't be the exact same way with anyone else, and as long as he understands that and isn't pressuring you into things you don't want, I think it's not something he should be judged so harshly for.

[Nawlins34]

Not at all. If you're not into it but he is AND he's still into it? You're just inviting a reason for him to cheat.

Like you said, you lost all attraction at this point, don't waste each other's time. Politely go your separate ways.

Don't compromise, because if he isn't worth it, you'll regret it.

[BrookeAZ90]

Probably need more info about exactly what you're referring to to give you a good answer. If that's all he knows and can't adjust to anything else and isn't willing to try and is badgering you about it, then ok, that's annoying and he needs to let it go or it's better for him and you if you both move on if that's the only way things can be for him.

But just because a previous relationship he was in was a certain way doesn't mean that he should be judged for it. If he dated someone who liked it that way and he was willing to do what his partner wanted, then that shouldn't be a negative against him. I think we'd all be pretty limited in our choices of partner if we held against them any time they did something slightly out of the "norm"

[TenkRealist]

Nah. You're not. Generally, women are sub. That's a fact. There may be a few anomalies here and there but yeah.

[whereismyjohnny]

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable. You are just not into it and that’s all.

[Chaotic_God]

Hey it isn’t for everyone and sex is a pretty important thing for most people in a relationship. You did what you needed to.

[nawtee_me]

Strap on a dildo and roll him over and peg him before you leave him.

[Wise4myage]

No, you did what was right for you.

[Subarugirl]

Why?