Which of these phrasings is the best way for a guy to ask a girl out?

[AmandaYVR]

Saw this in a [pretty stupid] conversation between two male friends. They're in their 30s but act like they're in their 20s. One was about to text the girl he has been seeing, ask her out again. His friend stopped him to give him advice on what to say, not say. It inspired this question.

The scenario is between a guy and a girl (but you can do same sex couple if you want. But this is about gender roles and preferences.) They are not strangers. They know each other, but not that well. They have just started casually dating. They both like each other.

But... the guy is reluctant [will not] commit. He's anticipating her wanting this. He's trying to play it cool. But he wants to keep dating her, having sex with her, have her in his life. "She's cool, and she's chill, and she's level-headed. But I don't want to fast-track anything." So his friend says to him, "Just tell her, 'Look, maybe I'll get there one day, but I don't want to hold you back from living your life.'" Typical commitmentphobe player b. s. But anyway, thought I'd make a question out of it.

What I'm getting at here is if there's a majority preference toward: politeness, or assertiveness, or something else. And do guys and girls have a different, or the same, idea about this. And, girls, does the assertiveness turn you on/do you like it, or does it turn you off?

It'd be for some snacks/appetizers as well, not just drinks, but for simplicity sake I didn't write that in each multiple choice because it would be too many words. This isn't a formal or fancy dinner date, but there will be food, so don't focus on that. And for those who don't drink alcohol, you can sub in any other beverage. It's not important. But it is a date, and there is sexual tension between them.

Formal and Polite: Hi. How are you? I was wondering if you'd like to go out for drinks tomorrow?

Semi-Casual: Would you like to meet up tomorrow and grab a drink?

Enthusiastic: Let's get drinks tomorrow!

Non-Chalant: Drinks tomorrow?

Assertive: Hey so I think we should get drinks tomorrow

Really Assertive: Hey so clear your schedule, we're getting drinks tomorrow

Cute: You + me + 🍸🍺. Tomorrow?

[affectioncrave]

All of the options make my heart melt-

Guess I'd like a guy to be enthusiastic about it. Would know how eager he'd be to spend time with me, which would make me very happy and relieved the feeling's mutual! Though if it was a bad timing, rejecting him would make me feel awful. >-<

I also love the spontaneity of a really assertive approach, that would drag me out of home for sure! Some people though may find it too aggressive for their liking.

Non-Chalant approach has it's own mystique and charm to it~ But if someone is being too non-chalant, I'd feel like they are not that interested and could date anyone with ease aka making my low self-esteem act up. x-x

The easiest to decline would be the semi-casual one. The formal and polite approach guy must feel super duper nervous and unsure (Which is understantable and adorable, would feel very happy for them to have reached out to me!) or we just don't know each other that well which would make rejecting them more awkward. ^^'

[AmandaYVR]

What a great comment and analysis. 👌
Thanks for sharing. I'm sure the guys are appreciative too.

[affectioncrave]

Thank you! Hope so. c:

[TheLittleInnocent]

If a man/woman told me "Hey so clear your schedule, we're getting drinks tomorrow" I would literally fold. But if they said "Hi. How are you? I was wondering if you'd like to go out for drinks tomorrow?" I would melt so I'm not sure.

[AmandaYVR]

So cute. 👌

[NathanDavis]

hmm... if I had to place myself in the position of this guy who just wants sex but not commitment, then I would just assume that role and mix it with the way I am...

I know she would want to see me as much as I do want to see her and I am usually an assertive person, so there would be no reason for me to hesitate, surely not when the sexual tension is already there and coming from both, I know what I want so I go for that and I make sure that she knows it as well

so, my only question would be about availability, and then I would just tell her about the plan... "Are you free tomorrow night? We should grab a bite and some drinks... "

with this, I will be giving her options to say no if she doesn't feel like it but still making it clear that I really want to go out with her, and then chances are that if she says no, she will probably make it about not being the best time or schedule differences and stuff... so that gives me a shot to ask about the day after or the next

[Seinna]

Any of them except F and possibly E, depends on how he says it. How he asks shows his personality and they're all ok as long as he's not rude. It wouldn't be the basis on which I'd decide whether to go with him or not though. My favourite would be A, it's gentlemanly and considerate.

[BullShark]

It all comes down to just how close we are and on what level of casualness we are. If we're mutual friends of our friends and not that close to one another yet or not really there yet - like we've known each other for a while and you could call us something between friends and acquaintances, then I'll probably go for polite and formal with her as I don't know her that well personally and I don't want to give off any wrong impressions.

If we're good friends and there's this undeniable chemistry between us, like I do find her attractive and she kinda likes me back as well and has given me some signs she does as well, I'll most likely still go for a semi-casual approach because I'm naturally reserved like that with everyone.

But that being said, the timing and mood is also important. Can't go asking someone on a date when like say, they're dealing with shit of their own, like exams or assignments.

[VanessaValentine]

It depends. Cold approaching a Stranger only A or B. If it’s someone you already know go with assertive like super assertive to the point where she knows you r kinda just having fun and not a psycho. Kinda like rp it.

[AviatorTom]

It really depends on how well you know her. A works pretty much all the time and is my vote.. B if you kind of know her. Any of the others if you know her very well.

[caring__1]

How about another alternative. Rather than asking, just tell her what you want. "I have a business dinner tomorrow, and I'd like for you to join me." It's not asking a question, but it's also not coming across selfish and cocky.

[AmandaYVR]

Business dinner just adds another layer of complication to it. And how often is that actually true.
This method is certainly low pressure on her, but it also doesn't really illustrate his interest; it downplays it. And that may backfire.

[caring__1]

Most people either come across as if they are asking permission or they appear to be implying it's all about them. You can show interest by saying you'd like or appreciate spending time with someone. It's more considerate and less formal than your other options. Even if the person passes on the opportunity, you've still been brave enough to acknowledge your feelings. Sharing feelings is more likely to show you care and tends to help people feel safe enough to be drawn in.

[AmandaYVR]

Yeah, I really disagree. No one wants to go on a business dinner. And people want the message to be clear.

[caring__1]

The business dinner is a non-issue. Forget that I even mentioned it. I don't understand how telling someone you'd like or appreciate spending time with him/her at a particular place and time is unclear. Is it necessary to also provide the menu, wine list and the specifics of what you want to follow the dinner or drinks?

[AmandaYVR]

Because you're there anyway, it's little to do with them. So you're not putting yourself out there much. It devalues your interest in them.

I think relationships are partnerships. I have quite a few opinions about things, and I wouldn't want to turn down the man because of the specific things he chose (place/day/time, etc.). "I'll be here, if you want to join me" is not enticing to me. Not at all. (I know you didn't write that, but it's implied in what you said.)

Read the comment from Splatmate22. I don't agree with her at all. I think she's being very rigid in her thinking and she has trust issues. She seems to be using his choices as a test to see if she wants to join him or not. But I like a conversation, deciding together. If he had a suggestion, great. But I like someone putting their neck out there, taking a chance... on me. If they really want me, and I want them, I will compromise and say yes to whatever they propose, maybe, but at least have the balls to lmk you care, you have interest. I'm not keeping you company. I am the reason. Because I do the same. When I like you, you know.

[caring__1]

I am choosing you is much different from I'll be there, and I won't reject you if you show up. It's saying you would be adding something special, and I see value in that, both for myself and for us.

[AmandaYVR]

Ok. Nicely said.

[anon1903]

Really Assertive and Semi Casual sounds like me. I'd pretty much be turned off if a guy asked me out. I prefer to do the asking.

[maximumpower]

Always depends upon the status of the relationship at time of asking.
If close, then casual is probably OK. If on professional/work level only, then cannot go wrong with formal.
Others fall in between.
Of course, must first be sure the girl wants to have "drinks" at all.
If she's a staunch tea-totaller, the guy has pretty much killed it before it got started.

[Smoothing]

I would go for or agree to polite and also cute. All the others, not so much.

[JDBSLAOQ]

Really Assertive and cute are instant no's, id cut off contact if someone thought being rude or acting like a facebook grandma was a way to get my attention

[AmandaYVR]

I hope that grandma comment is not directed at me. (It seems it is, whether conscious or not, because grandmas do not ask girls out.)

You sound very judgmental. "id cut off contact..."

[Jltakk]

I'd just be nonchalant about it. Carry the same natural vibe I give off when I'm by myself. I don't feel the need to convey a false charismatic persona of who I'm not just to have someone's company.

[Splatmate22]

Semi is casual. It is OK for me. Make it day dates and month. Say the name of any public place. To let a trust person to know where you goint to meetup with a person. Also say what time to set up.

[AmandaYVR]

Keep in mind that when a man asks a woman out he is interested in her. She's not just tagging along to keep him company. So the date, place, time, etc., are all secondary, and can be decided once she says yes. She needs to understand that she also has a say on deciding those, and communication will solve all that.

[Splatmate22]

Yes but some men will try to make Excuse, doing set time of day. You can’t be sure what time of men what you going to find , I still prefer my way. Not any other way.

[NYCQuestions1976]

"Let's make plans to get dinner and drinks sometime soon."

[Jamie05rhs]

#lame

[Jamie05rhs]

No offense. Lol

[NYCQuestions1976]

@Jamie05rhs Lame? How so? It's direct and to the point. Also, "dinner and drinks" was just an example. It doesn't have to be that. It could be anything. A concert. A sporting event. Anything.

[Jamie05rhs]

@NYCQuestions1976 No, no; that's not the part I had an issue with. Lol.

I'm talking about the "Let's make plans... sometime soon.". It's so vague. And it sounds like something a fake person says -- someone who has zero intention of making plans with you anytime soon whatsoever.

[NYCQuestions1976]

@Jamie05rhs Well then say "this weekend".

[Jamie05rhs]

@NYCQuestions1976 Okay

[gayeki]

I think in the first step, both A and B are acceptable.

[spartan55]

I've always used a semi casual style when I think about it.

[Brendlolita2]

The first one (with the „hi…“). It just sounds more polite and suits every occasion.

[Subarugirl]

Women don't like questions. Tell her what you are going to do and extend an invitation.

"I am having drinks tomorrow night, if you'd care to join me."

[VanessaValentine]

I like questions especially when it’s a guy trying to get to know me. I don’t like guys that just talk about themselves.

[Subarugirl]

@VanessaValentine those are different kind of questions

[exitseven]

I would be really polite and go into it expecting to get shot down.

[AndrésC64]

Who said that he has to be a commitmentfobe player? Why can't that just be the way he feels?

[Jamie05rhs]

I'm hoping to see some answers from females. It's their opinion that matters here.

[AmandaYVR]

👍 exactly.