How do I follow up with a friend who is dealing with mental health?

[20thGreatRomances]

I have a friend who I have known for a little over a year and half. We were just having a conversation where she ended up hinting at me multiple times that we should try to date. I read right into that and asked her out on the spot, she said yes.

We went on our first date and it went well. She shared a lot of personal things about her that I didn’t know before. We had a good time and I asked her out on a second date. She also said yes.

It’s now been a week and a half since our date and she hasn’t been very responsive. I asked her just if she is doing okay and she responded with no. That she has been dealing with a lot lately and is having a hard time. I told her that I am always here to listen or talk if she needs someone. I left it at that since she hasn’t been responsive. It’s been a few days now and we haven’t texted at all.

Should I follow up with her? Or just let her be? I already offered to talk to her about it but, no response either. I just don’t want to come off as ignoring her or anything like that.

Updates

1 y

UPDATE: I have not spoken to her for four days now. I plan on sending a simple checking in text tomorrow to see how she is doing. I know her and realized that she definitely needs her space right now. The best I can do is just continue to check with her on a weekly basis until she reaches out to me.

Thank you to everyone that responded. I appreciate everyone's input and am glad we all came to the same agreement. I will update this question again once I hear from her.

[AmandaYVR]

There's no right or wrong methods here. I've seen qs like this a fair bit on the site, and what I would say is don't make this all about you, and get defensive or protective of your heart (to an unreasonable degree; protect yourself a bit, of course), and quite often, do not follow the advice of the users here so seem to operate as if they are the scorned party. I'm not talking about the commenters right now, here, but more generally. The advice, especially from a lot of blues, can be like unnecessarily harsh. Anyway...

I'll just throw out some random thoughts here. They won't be that organized, so bear with me. These are just things that come to my mind, that you might want to keep in mind.

• She doesn't see it as you "bothering" her. But she can feel overwhelmed very easily, in these times of severe depression and/or stress, so it comes down to more of an almost primarily physiological thing, at that point. Like a machine that has ground to a halt, with no fuel driving it (and it's organic, lol, so you can't just easily feed it. It won't eat. That's a very convoluted metaphor, I admit.)
• Don't keep tabs/tally of how many times you reach out, and how many times she doesn't. That method just won't work in these types of situations. This is not a regular, simple, dating set-up.
• Engage with her. But not so much that she feels enormously guilty. Just ping, here and there. Check-ins are welcome. Even if she's silent. Sometimes when people just disappear - or don't, the thing which saved them, literally, was a random check-in.
• You can try being light and playful; you can try a more serious and thoughtful approach; you can send pictures she might like, or videos she may be interested in (not too long ones.)
• It'll be very difficult for you to tell whether she's distant because of what she's going through, and/or/if it has anything at all to do with you. You can try asking her directly if you did anything, or can do anything differently for her, but try to be ultra patient with either the response, or not response at all.
• Listen to this video. Mental health is not all about the individual. It obviously plays a part, factors in, but it's not all her, you know? If you can learn this, and teach her this, you might be of some help to her.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/8Qs7Atw8n20

Here's some other things for you to read:

There's a lot of this topic in here, and a lot of people came together, supporting one another. There is a community here, real friendships: Confess something?

Depression support: What's your best advice to people on how you got out of a depression?

Some people didn't like the phrasing of this q, but the idea was to get people thinking about how it is very common, and people are not alone in their suffering: How do you think your level of sadness and loneliness compares to others?

[20thGreatRomances]

Thank you for your detailed response. I also appreciate the video you included, this is very important to share these days. MHO goes to you! Have a lovely rest of your day! =)

[Aerissa_Jade]

As a friend follow up nicely, don't be pushy. You've known her long enough now that she shouldn't take it badly, and understands you are there for her.

Something, every so often just saying (texting) Thinking of you, I hope your alright. Let me know if I can help.

Is a great simple message showing you care and then leave it at that for awhile.

[AndrésC64]

That's really tough one. I can say this as someone suffering from mental health issues myself. Unfortunately, even for me there isn't always a single right answer. I guess the only thing you can really do is let her know that you are there. I'd suggest just giving sending another casual text saying that you were just checking in and seeing how she's doing. Maybe suggest a casual get-together, it doesn't even have to be a real date.

[Avicenna]

See if she is willing to meet up to talk to you. You can observe a lot from body language and she might feel more inclined to be forthcoming in person.

[Guy13]

You went beyond the call and are clearly “there” if she needs you. It’s on her and you’re right about chilling and seeing what she wants/needs…

[mh170209]

I know what it's like dealing with mental health issues so I would aproach something like that vary carefully first I would have them tell me how they are feeling and give honest opinion and tell them to try looking on the bright side

[exitseven]

give it a few more days or a week and send her an email (not a text ). you don't have to be creepy about it.

[msc545]

Just be supportive but not pushy or demanding. Check in with her via text or phone weekly and just ask how she is.

[boobliker]

just enjoy her for what she is giving and be as good back we all need some love in our life.

[Marshymallow]

Reach out or stay away (give them space).

[EnglishEuropean]

At this point I'd be giving her space.