What is going on here?

[Anonymous]

Here’s the dialog between my boyfriend of 3 years and I.

Me: *feeling bummed*

Him: *noticing I’m bummed* asks “Hey babe, you seemed bummed are you okay?

Me *hesitant to answer because I know how this will play out* I am little bummed but it’s nothing major, and it’ll pass.

Him: *pushes for an answer* No babe, please just tell me what’s on your mind.

Me: *knowing that communication is vital in a relationship, gives in* “Okay before I tell you, I want you to know that this isn’t me attacking you, and you’re not a piece of sh*t”

Him: “Okay, thank you, go ahead and tell me”

Me: “Alright, so earlier you did that thing you said you wouldn’t do anymore, and it bummed me out” (keeping it vague for privacy reasons but it was a rather hurtful incident, just know that it’s something that has happened a handful of times and we worked to resolve it and it was made known it wouldn’t be an issue again)

Him: *immediately begins denial and confused phase* “What are you talking about? I didn’t do that?, I’m so confused right now”

Me: *noticing the signs of the cycle are beginning so I retreat* “It’s fine, let’s just drop this conversation, as I said before it’ll pass and I’ll be fine I just need some space”

Him “No, I don’t understand what’s going on”

Me: *shows proof*

Him *goes from 0-100, storms out the room* “Wow whatever, I guess I’m just a piece of shit, I can’t do anything right”

Me: *follows him and offers reassurance* “Babe, I told you before I shared my feelings that you’re not a piece of shit, it just bummed me out that you did that thing you said you wouldn’t do”

Him: “YEAH YEAH I GET IT IM A PIECE OF SHIT WHATEVER, IM NOT FUC*ING DOING THIS RIGHT NOW”

I then walk back and sit in my office, feeling defeated because I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place and even tho he pushed me to talk, I tried to do it very carefully and delicate but he still flips out and goes through the same cycle.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there may be some communication issues and emotional volatility in your relationship. It's concerning that your boyfriend pushes for an answer when you express hesitation, and then reacts defensively and aggressively when you share your feelings with him.

It's important to remember that communication is a two-way street, and that both partners need to be willing to listen and understand each other's perspectives. It's also important to be respectful and supportive, even when discussing difficult or sensitive topics.

It may be helpful to have a conversation with your boyfriend about how his reactions are affecting you and your relationship. You could say something like, "I really appreciate that you care about me and want to know how I'm feeling, but I feel like we're not communicating effectively when we have these conversations. It's important to me that we're able to share our feelings and perspectives in a respectful and supportive way. Can we work together to find a better way to communicate?"

It's important to prioritize your own well-being and to set boundaries if you feel like your partner's behavior is becoming emotionally or verbally abusive. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness in a relationship, and that it's okay to seek outside support or counseling if you're struggling to navigate these issues on your own.

[Asker]

Yes! That’s exactly my thoughts. That’s the main thing that concerned me was his push and pull. He does this a lot. I’m not sure if he insists me to answer so he can keep tally and say that he cares. Because later down the road he always says “well I always ask you what’s wrong when I notice your sad” but more times than not when I actually give him answers and am honest he runs for the hills and wants nothing to do with it.

It’s hard to really know when you’re living in the situation so that’s why I came here to see what other people may think being on the outside.

And, Thank you for your advice and I will definitely use that question with him the next time.

I’m hoping it’s just communication issues or maybe he’s just avoidant and that it’s not actually something abusive on his end :(

Thank you so much for your well thought out response, I’m giving this the most helpful opinion. Thank you for your time ❤️

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome! It's great that you're seeking outside perspectives and trying to work through these communication issues with your boyfriend. It's definitely possible that he may be avoidant or struggling with his own issues that are getting in the way of healthy communication. However, if his behavior continues to be hurtful and abusive, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Wishing you all the best in your relationship and communication journey!

[Anonymous]

'... earlier you did that thing you said you wouldn’t do anymore'

(... it’s something that has happened a handful of times and we worked to resolve it and it was made known it wouldn’t be an issue again)

'did that thing you said you wouldn’t do'

'follows him and offers reassurance'

You set a new boundary. He broke the boundary multiple times. You did not enforce the boundary. Thus the cycle continues. When you set a boundary, you enforce it by taking necessary action. Then no cycle can continue. Ultimately this is toxic and when you do not enforce a boundary just once, it communicates to the other that your words mean nothing. Your boundaries mean nothing and they have no reason to even listen to what you say, or change their behavior. Thus that is all you need to learn, how to enforce boundaries.

[Asker]

You are absolutely right. The fact he continues to do things he said he wouldn’t is because in the end I don’t do anything about it.
It’s hard because I know change takes time, and I try to be patient when he makes mistakes. I try to enforce things by communicating but I guess I need to look into other options whenever he decides to cross a solid boundary again.
Thank you for your insight, I genuinely appreciate your time.