I'm kinda lost about what to do in this situation?

[Anonymous]

in the current stage of my life I'm looking for a partner. I've met a girl who aligns with my priorities. when we're together we have really good vibes and we can talk on a deep level without much tension but when I asked her on a date she said that there's someone that she likes and is trying to make things work with him and that she sees me as a big brother and bla bla. the thing is I want her, so for a few days I kept giving her attention everyday I'd call she wouldn't answer but send me a message instantly with an excuse , she always replies to my messages instantly no games nothing. for 4 days I've completely dropped my ego and male logic just to give her attention that I'm sure no one else is giving her that also with things being more tense and both of us thinking about that. I'd call , she wouldn't answer the call but reply with a message so I'd stay quiet , next day same happens but we have a text back and forth , 4th day she gave me a colder response so I gave her a warming text. then on the 5th day she answers the call , we talk for a good time , she was very feminine with me she was warm and loving but then she brought out the word "bestie" so I changed my vibe with her and said "we're not friends you can call it whatever it's but I'd leave If you put me in the "friend" zone" then we changed topics kept talking and then went to sleep, the next day I wake up send her a text "I had fun hanging out together yesterday" and then she replied "it was fun" since that it has been few days without texting or talking. at this point I'm kinda lost and I don't know what to do. My logical way would be just ignore her If she comes she comes If not then you already move on. What should I do to get her? I really want her, I've been in relationships before and I've game and stuff going on for me in my life, this isn't my first love this isn't a rebound. I just love her simple as that.

Updates

10 mo

14 days have passed without talking to each other , She texted me on day 14 to "Check up" on me. I said I'm fine and asked how's she , said "I'm fine but bla bla" after two hours I called she didn't reply and texted me with an excuse. the next day I called her she was about to do the same so I texted this is kinda important then called , she answered I asked her If she was fine or If anything have happened she insisted that she's really fine 3 times then she said "We're friends so.."

Updates

10 mo

"I was checking on you" then I said "Did I hurt you before in any form?" she said "NNoo" then I said "then why you're not putting up with my boundaries you spent 14 days without talking to me I don't befriend women and I told you that" then she said "I understand" then I said "This is going to be toxic and you'll hurt me and I'll hurt you so we should leave it at that good luck to you bye"

I have 0 regrets moving on. I lost someone who didn't love me but she lost someone who really loved her

[Anonymous]

Why is it so hard to listen to what she wants rather than push on with your own agenda? She’s already told you you’re a friend, more than once, and that she’s trying to make it work elsewhere, yet you treat it as an obstacle and if she dares call you a friend you basically “punish” her with silence or call her out for it all together, threatening to not be her friend anymore. You don’t see how manipulative that is? Self serving?
It’s like a big temper tantrum and as a grown man you’ve got to stop. She sounds like a very polite and sweet woman who considers you a friend, of course she will respond when you reach out, I personally do the same thing because i am only responsible for my actions and not his. If I tell him I view him as a big brother of friend, and HE CHOOSES to engage, or pretend to be ok with it in an effort to change my mind then that’s in him, not me, and i am firm in my boundaries. Same as her. You’re so frustrated and lost but keep in mind that this is your persistence and mind-boggling scenario that you are confusing on purpose. Friendship is not confusing, you just reject it.

[Asker]

you think I want to harm her? I love her. I can't be her friend and a guy comes in her life and I see them together and be a "normal" person "friends" with her. at the same time I don't want to lose her. I can leave won't be my first or last lost love.

[Opinion Owner]

I never said you want to harm her and I don't know how you took that away from my comment. I’m simply saying that you aren’t listening to her words and instead acting on your own accord. There’s no good reason other than selfishness that despite her telling you more than once “I see you as a friend” or “I see you as big bro”, and you choose to still try to make her your woman.
She trusts you, has love for you as a close person in her life — that’s it. If you can’t accept this and you will always want more, then please do you both the favor of exiting her life so you can get over your romantic feelings. Maybe one day you can return and be a sincere friend. But you can’t have it both ways, the whole “I can’t be her friend but I don’t want her out of my life because I love her so much”, that is your own personal struggle and trial, it’s unfair to make it hers, giving her ultimatums and abusing her kindness.
You want a companion in life and I think that is amazing, so go out there and find that woman. You can’t turn her into it though, not when she’s already turned it down more than once.

[Asker]

okay instead of solving it "your" way, look at it from a different perspective, what If she loves me? you don't think she deserves someone who's genuinely in love with her who's interested in her , wants to take care of her and not a fuckboy? She's single , I'm not pushing her to cheat on her boyfriend or even pushing her to do "anything" when she talks to me that's all her will, If she's not enjoying her time with me then she wouldn't keep talking. Man and woman can't be friends , there will always be an attraction. at least from one side. You don't think she will feel hurt If I silently leave from her life? she actually got someone who genuinely wants to talk to her and is interested to know her while her ex didn't even reply to her when she wanted to break up. We both agree she has feelings for me. but these feelings are not in an intimate way and that's totally understandable because before this happened I wasn't hitting on her or anything. We just talked and hung out because we did meet occasionally for activities to do with other people as well. Were just two random persons put together and at first she was the one putting interest in me the first few times we talked together but I reciprocated in a neutral way because I don't befriend women, there's something that will always happen between them and it happened now after a series of events. I've already progressed with her , I'm not putting her into "My agenda" you said it , she trusts me and have feelings for me. the thing is she didn't get to experience me in an intimate way and Imma be honest me neither. but I want her to be my woman I want to explore her more and eventually turn these feelings into something intimate. the reason why I'm asking this question so for someone to help me how to reach that stage with her but everyone comes and say oh you should leave. If I wanted to leave I'd have left and didn't come and ask for people to tell me to leave.

[Opinion Owner]

I’ve already looked at it from another perspective, I’ve been in her shoes and that’s why I’m saying that you are not listening to her by your own choice. You’re saying what if she loves you and wants more — sir, she has told you from her own mouth that she sees you as her brother and a close friend. How much more needs to be said or done? I’m not your enemy, I don’t even know you. All I’m saying is the truth and if you don’t want to hear it then that’s another one of your stubborn choices. If you want to stick around her then do it as the friend she has asked you to be, and if you can’t be her friend then you should leave her alone. Yes, your agenda is to make her your woman and to do it an any cost, it’s very selfish of you. Men and women can be platonic friends when they both agree to it, and she’s already told you where she stands. I’m not making up what you literally said. So if you want to keep fueling the fantasy and ask people to lie, give you false hope, that’s just sad. It’s delusional, unrealistic. She just doesn’t love you the same man, and has said it. Sorry.

[Opinion Owner]

“Everyone” is telling you to leave because you won’t get a relationship from that woman, and she’s told you this as well. It’s not progress because she is kind and texts you back or hangs out with you. That is solid friendship. You choose to make it more.

[Asker]

Are you single?

[Opinion Owner]

No but I’m curious why that matters?

[Asker]

where do you think you'd have been at life If you or your current partner gave up on you before you got to be together?

[Opinion Owner]

We met an entirely different way, didn’t know each other beforehand. I was open to dating him when we met, and we progressed into a relationship the first 3 months of knowing each other. The man who was my “friend” still hangs around, still tries to get me, you guys refuse to listen.

[Opinion Owner]

And it’s not “giving up”, it’s respecting the woman enough to respect their wishes. Your romantic love isn’t reciprocated dude, you make it worse for yourself not accepting it.

[Opinion Owner]

Question, do you believe in god? Do you have faith in the plan he has for your life even though you can’t see the full picture?

[Asker]

if you know your "friend" have feelings for you why are you keeping him in your life then, especially when you have a boyfriend? I'm pretty sure If your "friend" knew how to do women he wouldn't have still been your "friend" he would either be your partner or someone you no longer have a connection with.

[Asker]

my answer to your question yes I believe in God. You'll never What's God's plan unless you actually go and do the thing you should do to earn what God have made for you. If you do what you're "supposed" to do and you still didn't get that then that's God having something better for you. It all goes down to you'll never know unless you actually try

[Opinion Owner]

I said “was” my friend, we are hardly cordial anymore. I also said he still hangs around, meaning he still pops in here and there, not that he’s actively involved in my life. If that’s your logic about knowing how to do women, then why are you still just a friend? You really think that just because you find yourself to be a good boyfriend, that has anything to do with your compatibility with someone and whether they see potential with you? Just because the romance is there on your side doesn’t mean it has to be on hers as well simply because you think you’re doing the right things and a better match than who she’s dating. She’s told you this already.
I asked if you believe in god because if you did then you’d trust the path he has for your life rather than fight it tooth and nail. What’s meant for you will be for you naturally, easily. God has had the woman in question verbally tell you she’s uninterested, he has put you through that pain which should’ve been a lesson and instead you treat it as an obstacle to surpass. He will keep making a relationship with her impossible until you realize it is not. Meant. For. You. The woman he’s intended for you is out there, and you will never meet or receive her because your busy chasing and chasing unrequited love.

[Opinion Owner]

You’ve tried and tried for a long time, against her will, threatened to leave her life, told her not to call you a friend, don’t you see how manipulative and selfish you’ve become to get what you want? To not feel rejected or not good enough? You literally have this “I want her I want her I want her” mindset at any cost and it’s not fair to her. It sucks to care for a man as a close friend and have to cut tie’s because he will never stop wanting more. But you will be in that place if you don’t stop, you will force her hard.

[Opinion Owner]

*force her hand

[Asker]

we don't come from the same page. you keep talking about me like I'm the bad person and I'm "forcing" her on myself. None of what you said is actually true. You had a guy in your life who failed to get you. although you're talking about him that he "lost" you and clearly of zero value in your life. You're trying to convince me to be like him which will never happen. the reason I asked for opinions is that I thought there would be someone out there who might be able to help me with an idea of how I could make things work, oh, and believe me relationships do work that way. I think you get the idea.

[Opinion Owner]

Different page, same font. I don't know why you’re comfortable creating your own narrative for my life without even bothering to ask what happened, and if you don’t care to ask then that’s fine, just stop spouting lies about his character or mine. I didn’t pick him because we weren’t compatible in that way — that’s it. He’s not my close friend anymore because he was like you and wouldn’t accept it — that’s also it. You’re being very emotional and over-dramatic, refusing to even consider any other outcome than the one YOU want. I didn’t expect you to listen to us, you won’t even listen to the woman who’s rejecting you.
You’re mad that you aren’t getting positive reinforcement in the comments, but you fail to realize that the minute you acknowledge that she has friendzoned the hell out of you, calls you brother and friend, any encouragement you could hope to receive in pursuing her goes straight out the window. There is not a single unselfish person who will give you tips on manipulating her choices to serve yours. Maybe you don’t like the words I choose, but it doesn’t make them less valid.
If none of what I said is true then were you lying for fun? Did she not call you bro, tell you that she sees you as only a friend? Did you not write about telling her “call me whatever you want just not friend, I will leave”. Like what the fuck is that? To threaten that if she wants you in her life still, it’s one way or the other? As if you can’t walk away yourself rather than force her hand? Giving her an ultimatum?
I never said you are a bad guy, and I really wish you’d stop taking my perspective as some attack on you. All I’m saying is that your choices to still pursue her no matter what and otherwise referring to it as “giving up” will destroy your friendship with her. You’ll either push her away, or have to see her with someone else. I think you should spare yourself of such pain, but clearly you are a sucker for it.

[Asker]

wdym create narratives, a guy that you rejected. Do you need a story for that to rationalize the situation? it doesn't matter how tall was he or how "traits" he has or how much wealth he's worth at the end it's the same result. You also said "not my close friend anymore" me and the girl are not close friends or even "friends". I don't befriend women. there's stuff I didn't mention because I don't think it's going to make a difference regarding the case. the guy you mentioned was your "close" friend and after "trying" for so many times he didn't get what he wanted from you so he left or whatever happened you just don't know each other anymore. For me I'm not lying to the girl , I'm obvious about it that I'm not looking for a friendship. I do care about her and like her that's 100% true and I'm obvious about it. I'm not misleading her saying oh it's okay we can be friends and then out of nowhere when she has problems with her boyfriend I'm going to be trying to jump in her pants.

[Asker]

I don't do that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being direct and putting boundaries. When we talk we're having a good time I'm not harming her I'm not pushing her towards anything. I'm listening to her but listening and acting on something are two different things. Me being "dramatic and emotional" well that's how I'm. I didn't ask for "positive reinforcement" and also I made it clear that I'm not giving on her. eventually If this doesn't work I'll leave but then I won't have regrets. now It's just the beginning I have one of two options one is to leave and the second is to fix things and hopefully it might work. "clearly" you don't get that the first option isn't something I'd ever do. About dating and looking for another woman I can do that If I want to but again that's not me. I was going in my way not looking for that because I've already got stuff going for me in life that I'm focused at. I met that girl and didn't bat an eye as normal until something happened and that changed my feelings to her. it's not that I don't "like" it's not about liking or hating the words. I'm telling you that from your pov what you're saying isn't really sticking to the truth simple as that. okay now you said she friend zoned the hell out of you actually I agree with that now clearly I said it, you're coming to what I'm looking for. I made it obvious that I'm not her friend and she has the choice whether she wants to be with me or not. You competely ignored the fact that after telling her we're not friends she still stayed and talked and things went cool she wasn't stressed or sad , she understands. You also ignored the fact that she was treating me in a different way than before in the last time we talked. whatever it's I really don't see the reason why that guy for yours wanted to be with you in the first place , he should've realised from that start that you're not the kind of person to invest anything with.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly dude that whole comment was not only very rude, but unnecessary. We are adults having a conversation yet you’re acting so childish, continuously drawing narratives and just painting a picture of someone you don’t know based off the fact you’re mad I won’t tell you to go for it.
I would be your number one cheerleader here, giving you positive affirmations and whatever you needed if I felt you had a shot in this situation or that it was a good idea to get closer to the woman. But I cannot encourage to ignore her words, I can’t say “yes go for it good luck!” After you’ve told me how she’s rejected you and sees you as a friend. Maybe you’ve watched too many movies or have some weird idea of how romantic stories end, but they don’t start with a guy ignoring the woman’s boundaries. Even if you don’t enjoy the word “friend” and “you don’t befriend women”, or does not matter. If on her end, in her perspective, she sees you as a friend the that’s her choice, you can’t dictate how she sees you. Again, it’s fuckin weird that you keep creating this story of me calling you some kind of forceful harmful guy. I can tell English is not your first language so I don't know maybe there is some barrier with your ability to understand what I’m saying to you.
All I am saying (and I don't know how much more simple I can write it) is: respect a woman’s boundaries, her words, and what she wants. If you can’t do that then I don't know what else to tell you. Anyway let’s end this conversation because I don’t need any more verbal abuse just for offering advice you don’t agree with. If you write anything else just a warning I will not read it and just delete. I am very done talking or hearing from you. Bye.

[Opinion Owner]

Hate to say I told you so, but yeah.

[Asker]

Well I told her my intentions I was blunt about it , gave her one more chance , I'm human too I've feelings and it really becomes destructive when your heart and mind are fighting especially for a man I strive for my peace and during the past 14 days I was going back to normal and forgetting about her already then I saw her text and it flipped my state. I can't deal with her with my logic and also with my feelings they're both on opposite sides and it's eating away my soul along with my peace. Sorrow comes and goes but regret is eternal and thank god It's only sorrow.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you got disrespectful and defensive with me when I was just trying to tell you the truth. Yes it’s hard to hear but why would I or anyone else encourage you to fight for this woman who has even verbally put you in the friendzone? You were very adamant about “not giving up”, when really you could’ve spared yourself a lot of time and pain if you listened to her words. Sorry you’re gonna have to deal with this aftermath but I hope if anything it’s a lesson for you. Be clear about your intentions from the start, don’t get caught up playing a game because while for you, you may have felt you were showing your love, for her you were a good friend and I even said that. No matter how great of a loving match you think you’d be, if she’s not feeling it then walk away.

[Asker]

you know what , you're right. It's over now

[springxxx]

I'm sorry you're going through this. She sadly doesn't seem as interested as you do with her.. If I were you, I would directly tell her again that you're in love with her and ask her one more time if she would like to be more than friends just to be sure that she's not playing hard to get or whatever. If she continues to not treat you the same way you do with her, I would let go of her.. before you get more hurt and more attached. I wish you the best❤️

[Asker]

the thing is , every girl who's not interested in a guy would just ignore and that kills the whole connection. when I reach out she's not ignoring and that's driving me crazy.

[springxxx]

Maybe she's stringing you along...

[Asker]

you mean in a bad way to just get my attention? could you explain more pls

[springxxx]

Yes, maybe she just enjoys the attention and love you're giving her. Or she just like you as a bestie/brother because she did mention that to you. That's probably why she's not ignoring you. I would distance myself from her if I were you so as not to get more hurt or frustrated

[springxxx]

You deserve someone who gives you the same efforts you put in

[Asker]

you're right , ok to get straight to the point. Me as a man understand that If she doesn't like me back it's because of "myself" I wasn't making her feel me. I wasn't attracting her. and that was really true I wasn't. I didn't even think about her once when we just met. she was just a friend until at some point I started seeing things in a different way. she's reciprocating how I was treating her so now I want to make her "feel" me. I explained as simple as I could do. who doesn't want to be loved. I've been in relationships where I didn't love the girl but she made me love her and we got to be together. this time in my life I'm the one who got to be in love first. so instead of quitting and leaving I want to get her. yes it's hard, frustrating and heart breaking because I'm always getting remembered that I'm not good enough.

[springxxx]

I understand you want to try to make her fall in love with you but I honestly wouldn't recommend being in that situation since she mentions she likes someone else.. who knows what the results might be. It's never a good idea to chase after someone who doesn't share the same feelings as you.. it might leave you even more heart breaking if you work hard for something and end up not getting it. I'm not trying to be negative but it's just best to be cautious in my opinion. Please don't continue to hurt yourself by doing that. Love shouldn't hurt.

[Asker]

both ways hurt. I'd just pick the one that will not make me regret not fighting for my love to her :)

[springxxx]

I think it will hurt more if you continue to get attached to her but it's your choice, I just wish you the best. My dms are open if anything, good luck. I hope she realizes soon how a good man you are and how much you love her

[Asker]

you have such a kind soul. I hope you find your peace with the person you deserve.

[springxxx]

Thank you😊

[AmandaYVR]

You need paragraph returns. Blocks of text like this are too hard to read. Most users will pass it by. Including myself right now.

[provokeesmokee]

You said you didn't want to be a friend.

She is respecting your wishes.

You fucked up, so just move on.

[Nikki1989]

And yet you persist with texting. If you were serious, you would talk to her.

[Asker]

I was calling her , she wasn't answering my calls and would reply with an excuse text , and I kept going for a call once everyday , until at some point she answered and we had a 5 hour long conversation and told me that there's a guy she likes and you know the rest is in what I typed..

[Asker]

plus I'm also more afraid now to call because If she doesn't answer my calls I'd be more broken. I've already went ahead and broke my ego by chasing her and she's not reflecting. tell me If I'm wrong

[serious_miss419]

She isn’t into you and u won’t accept that. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Move on, she’s not interested

[LiamJHayden]

Move on.