Why am I not capable of dating at 28?

[Anonymous]

28F, only thing I know for certain is I have anxiety & my self esteem could be better. But, nothing too terrible that makes me incapable of finding a LTR. I’ve been on and off dating apps for years, I don’t get how they don’t work for me as it’s known women have it easier & people tell me I’m attractive (not just family/friends). I have to use the apps bc I never get approached in person, I get the matches but in the end it just doesn’t work out. The last time I saw someone I was 23 & that only lasted for a few months. It felt like settling & I’ve become even pickier now. I don’t really have that much of a sex drive but that isn’t something a guy can sense right off the bat so I don’t think that’s it. It’s like I wonder if I’m ready to date but ffs I’m almost 30 that’s odd if I’m not. I met up with someone for the first time in almost 2 years last week & I didn’t even stay for the whole time, I left after maybe 15 min bc I wasn’t feeling it (even though chatting went well on the app), I had a long day, wanted to leave before the drinks arrived since I didn’t want him to get charged & most of all I was worried he was gay (by his voice). I usually video chat before but moving fwd that’s non-negotiable. Oddly enough I still don’t think it’s my fault for being single this long, yes I’ve tried counseling/medication & it was a bust. Can an almost 30 yr old woman date while being anxious, insecure, reserved & close to being maybe on the asexual spectrum?

You’re the issue

You’re not the issue

[BoopBoopBeep]

How long is each guy lasting? I mean are they crashing out on the first date or they make it a couple weeks? I wasn't clear.

I will say if you're going to institute a video chat rule, you're going to cut out a lot of suitable men if that goes on for more than a week. We're not interested in pen pals and catfishes, and everybody lies on the internet. I've never talked to anybody more than a week without going to get drinks/coffee/something. If you can't be bothered to meet up then I can't be bothered to continue to invest the time in you when there are plenty of others I could invest my time in instead. You'll shelf-life your way out of a lot of possible long terms there. The guys looking for flings will stick around. They won't be investing much, and they have their piece (s) on the side.

I don't know how bad the anxiety is, but that's certainly not a check in the plus column. I also don't know how that manifests for you, and HOW it does could have fairly different outcomes, but "anxious, insecure, reserved & close to being maybe on the asexual spectrum" isn't something that most guys are going to be like "THAT is what I'm looking for" so you're going to have to bring a lot to the table elsewhere to compensate for that. That's not getting any better with age for you. Plenty of twentysomethings who are also "anxious, insecure, reserved & close to being maybe on the asexual spectrum", so for the five or six guys out there looking for that, still comes down to what do you bring to the table to distinguish yourself above and beyond them?

I'm concerned that your standards may be a touch high. What are you looking for? What/where are your hard lines in the sand?

[RespectfulGuy]

Hope you don't mind I write my immediate thoughts after reading the entire Details.

You're too quick to "pass judgement" (not a good or bad way, just very quick to say "he's..." after an incident or two) .

In a good way, you protect yourself by coming to a "conclusion" (Eg "he's gay") and take quick action.

But being "too quick" you could be wrong. (hence he may not be, but you "judged" him as one and broke off).

I'm not say you're right or wrong. I'm trying to suggest, "go slower".

Life is more than an act. Characters and personalities are build from many attributes.

Hence allow more time to know a person before you "conclude" if he's worthy or not.

Traits that disturb you today and tomorrow may no longer be after you find out he loves you.

Acts that made you feel uneasy may no longer be after you and him "fall in love".

As the saying goes (here) "if you loves him, even his fart smells good. If not, nothing in him feels normal."

Hence my suggestion is, cultivate love. Not a day or two, but at least a month to three. Then decide if you want carry on the relationship. (By then there could be some pain. But that's the price to pay for a romantic relationship.)

[Sugar100]

I’m the same 26 years never had a boyfriend. age 13 my guy best friend at school stopped being my friend after he found out I liked him. So he acted like I never existed after that.
Age 15-21 men rejected me.

my whole life guys never asked to be my boyfriend.

im shy but I always had guy friends and always made first move but get rejected.

one guy I dated age 23-25 never met my family so I broke up with him. I stayed with him for that long as I thought a long term relationship meant dating for many years. Since I never had experience having many bfs that’s y I thought this.

I had a crush at job but never had chance talk to him as he quit the job.

guys have showed interest all month at work but they are mute don’t talk. I got mixed feelings and confusion but I think it’s becuz they want me to make first move. And I didn’t because I don’t like them and I thought they don’t like me as they aren’t initating to talk first.

Age 22 I was sick in bad health so I was stuck at home didn’t work and it was during time of covid.

[RoseySarah]

O Hun don't be to hard on yourself and dating apps are terrible and so is a ldr!

You might need to just take small steps find one one local and Thier hugs will help with your anxiety some when it is really bad!

My hubbys helps mine!

Really it's just dating sucks and is so bad! You will find love!

[bros26]

I need that hug 🤗

[RoseySarah]

@bros26 don't listen to him some guys are asexual too!

[Lynx122]

I can't fully tell just by your description but it seems like it's either your social skills or a mental thing.

I mean either you're pushing people away because you're scared, tense etc. You feel a lot more comfortable alone than being around the guy you're dating and people pick up on it. They think you don't like them or things are not flowing but they're having to push against your resistance to make conversation etc. People generally don't like being around someone when they have to do all the work and the other person is not participating much.

Or it could just be that you lack experience socialising and you need to just keep trying.

[Giddyup]

There are a lot of things that can make us perceive ourselves as incapable of anything. a lot was said in this post, so it's difficult to respond to all in a concise way.

I will say that lack of sex drive will affect your relationships or lack therein. Surely that's not a deal breaker for you, but that changes how you need to build your profile and likely the apps your on. And the men you will meet.

And when you say sex drive isn't obvious, I disagree wholly. In general, both sides of the human race can sense this on many levels.

[lightbulb27]

need more info on your life and what's going on. could give advice, but don't wastemy time anymore unless you engage.

[DarkLegacy]

The more pickier you become the less likely you will be to find someone obviously. That is fact

[Heolurt]

Hey don't worry you'll find someone, at least you're not at my level of ugliness and single for life.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Anxiety maybe?

[Misogynthisdik]

It wasn't us who wasted the last 10 years of your life. That was you and feminism / liberalism.

[Anonymous]

You said u don't have sex drive
Then why aby guy would date you?

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

You got issue no offence

[elianmuse]

Just be patient and I believe you’ll find someone.

[OddBeMe]

The calls coming from inside the house!