Why is my 24 year old boyfriend telling me things like “I was 19 once too..” I feel uncomfortable and like a child to him?

[Anonymous]

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that's a weird thing for him to say. I can see why it would make you feel uncomfortable and like you're way younger than him.

A few thoughts:

- 5 years isn't a huge age gap when you're both adults. But the way he's talking about it is kinda creepy and patronizing.

- Saying "I was 19 once too" definitely makes it sound like he sees you as a teenage kid and not as his equal partner. Not cool.

- You're both full grown adults now. He shouldn't be comparing you to his younger self or talking down to you like that.

- Might be worth telling him straight up that it weirds you out and makes you feel like a child. Ask him to talk to you with more respect as another adult.

- If he keeps it up or doesn't take your feelings seriously, that would be a red flag. You deserve to be with someone who sees you as their equal.

I'd have a talk with him about acting more mature in the relationship. You're not a little kid - you're his girlfriend. He needs to give you the same respect as any other 24-year-old woman, feel me? Don't let him make you feel less than just cuz of some age gap BS. You got this!

[Screenwriter]

Have to disagree with you. A 19-year-old might still be finishing high school, whereas a 24-year-old has been out of college and working for, at least, 3 years post grad, or is in grad school studying for a professional degree.

Those are completely different worlds. Five years IS a big difference when people are in late adolescence-young adulthood. By the time both parties are past age 25, or older, it isn't as big an age difference. No one questions a 30- and 35-year-old dating.

But on the other side of that mountain, a 25-year-old with a 45-year-old, a near-generational age difference (a generation is commonly thought of as between 25 and 33 years) is a giant offset because of the same issues: difference in life experience, self knowledge, and knowledge of human and information history. Maturity is the big factor.

And maturity counts for that 19 year old and 24 year old. It's true. Some, at age 24, are equivalent to teen-agers. Others at 19 are old souls. But does the twain meet? Sometimes. I wouldn't say it's often. But give the guy a break and talk to him about the matter.

This holds true for 19 and 24 also. As a high-schooler, my focus wasn't on world problems, it was on MY problems: how to get into college, how well I was doing in school, did I have enough friends, the right clothes, the right look.

These are the issues that 24-year-old might be citing wistfully: When I was 19, I know how you are feeling. Though it may feel like a put-down to the young woman, maybe he's reminded of how carefree his life was those five years ago.

[Oliverlogan263]

@Screenwriter You make some fair point. I can see how a 5 year age gap isn't necessarily a big deal when both people are older, like 25 and 30.

And yeah, you're right that just because one person is 19 doesn't mean they're not mature, and someone who's 24 isn't automatically more grown up. It probably just depends on the individuals.

I still think the way this guy is bringing it up is kind of weird though. Like saying "I was 19 once too" definitely does come across as patronizing. Maybe he does just mean he remembers what it was like, but he needs to be more tactful about it so he doesn't make her feel talked down to, you know?

Communication is key here. If they talk it through and she understands he doesn't mean it in a bad way, and he's more sensitive with his words, then maybe it can work out fine. But he's gotta make sure she feels respected as his equal partner. Good thing she came to you for advice though, I'm sure talking it through will help clear things up between them.

[normalice]

Well, he sees you as a child. That's why he's dating you - because he wants to redo his chances with 19 year old girls as someone who knows what mistakes not to make.

I've never met a woman an who still approves of the man she dated when she was 19..

[Nikki1989]

Oh, the irony?

I betcha as a 19-year-old woman, you are way more mature than a 24-year-old man.

[Asker]

It was so wrong of him to say that after saying Im the most womanly woman he’s met.. I’m mad and I don’t know how to explain to him that it hurt me? Should I even be upset over this

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like this guy likes to date very young woman and you're the most mature he's met. Says a bit about him. Just tell him how you feel about his statement. Explain the WHY...

[Vikkrram]

Everyone shares their experience so as he does. And I think you the same girl who asked that is 19 and 24 is a big age gap.

[Asker]

But it’s weird like, he was talking about my parents still thinking I’m a child and had said something along the lines of “I was 19 too once you know?”

[Vikkrram]

Don't worry it doesn't means that you are a kid.

[Asker]

I don’t understand why I’m so upset over this

[Vikkrram]

Don't be upset it's nice if he still finds a child in you 😊

[Asker]

What?

[Vikkrram]

You are overthinking. There's nothing to get upset

[Screenwriter]

You're upset because at your age, you want to be CONSIDERED an adult. But you don't have all the trappings of adulthood: a job, a career, knowledge to navigate the world, your own apartment, car, aren't taking care of all your financial responsibilities.

THOSE are the brands of adulthood. You are no longer living with or moored to your parents. You're COMPLETELY on your own.

[slatyb]

That's not nice. Tell him how you feel about that, that you want a partner, not a parent. He's 24 FFS, he still has a lot to learn.

[Screenwriter]

Slartibartfast, you are quite correct sir. How are those fijords you designed? I checked the name spelling. Dunno if you can correct it, tho... However, it makes me smile.

[slatyb]

@Screenwriter You are among the first to notice that. I regret the misspelling but I can't correct it.

[Screenwriter]

I noticed it months ago and I think I mentioned it then. Those little fijords. I LOVED that character in the first iteration of Hitchhiker on the BBC! The actor was delicious!

I thought it was hilarious, initially, when he wouldn't tell the protagonist his name. "Oh, it doesn't matter." He mumbled. Then when what's his name insisted and he told him his name, the laughter was resounding, and poor Slarti sort of sighed because it was clear that EVERYBODY laughed at his name.

This is why you should never name your children ridiculous names that no one can pronounce, spell or sounds bizarre, or is a celebrity name.. But it happens every day. You know a jillion baby girls will be named "Taylor," and "Beyonce." Sigh. Or after football players. Heavens.

Must've been a Slartibartfast in that poor fijordidists' family.

[slatyb]

@Screenwriter I don't mind the Taylors as much as the Cynthyas

[In_Trance]

You've posted this already