Exclusivity after a week 👀?

[Cloeeeeeeeeee]

Title says it all, but long story kind of short: I'm personally enm but happy to be in a monogamous relationship if my partner isn't. Met this guy (monogamous) last Sunday and we've seen each other 4 days out of 8, so to say the least it's been a little intense. We've talked A LOT about everything, great chemistry and similar mindsets with respectful disagreements and the sex is unbelievable so I thought we were off to a good start. NOW. I'm off to a trip to Spain for my friend's wedding the day after tomorrow and I'll be away for a week... and last night he asked me to be his girlfriend but then quickly backtracked and said, "well, wrong wording, I mean exclusive".

I obviously internally panicked a little because, let's be real, my man, I've known you for a week 😅 (we're also both 30+, so worth mentioning).

Anyway, I said that I always take things slowly and I like to get to know the person I'm seeing and have shared experiences with them and have a bit of a solid ground before I become exclusive, to then move to being in a relationship; but now he's the one panicking (in a respectful and accepting way I think?) 🥲

I might have made the mistake? of telling him there's somebody I'll see in Spain (interaction outcome inconclusive) but I can't start something with someone I'm interested in by lying by omission while talking about the topic 😔

Now I'm very torn about what to do with it all because of how VERY soon it is? And also how little time I have to clear my mind about it 😶‍🌫️

Someone please help me shed some light into this situation ✨✨

[Effably]

I always find that measuring by time is wrong.

To begin with, a little philosophical here, time is only a representation of actions completed. That is how we standardized a second, and everything else.

So from there it stands to reason that the real measurement should be how much you have done together and how you both feel. By your own account it has been intense. This week may well have been equivalent to a normal month, more? If so evaluate it as though it is a month or more.

Ultimately completely your call. I find it hard to be upset that he wants to keep you. Especially when he still seems to respect boundaries. Either way, open communication about what you want is likely key.

[Cloeeeeeeeeee]

I absolutely see your point!
I still feel like I need at least double of what we've shared to be comfortably moving to the next step.
Right now I feel rushed still, even though I'm certain of wanting this to move in that direction.

Thank you for your reply! It does really help to bounce off feelings to untangle what I really want 💚

[JacobJordan]

Soon as you agree to a date you should be exclusive that is what dating entails. The guy wants to spend time with YOU if he wanted to spend time with you and others he would just ask you to hang out. Exclusivity was set when he asked you out and you said yes. Girlfriend and boyfriend after a few dates is also completely normal. My advice... if you want to be happy don't approach dating from the modern way. Most modern relationships are awful as evidenced by the fact they can't even define the damn thing. Traditional dating went as follows stage 1 dating. Stage 2 boyfriend and girlfriend stage 3 husband and wife. If healthy it never went beyond that. And it worked for a very very long time.

[Anonymous]

So, you say your enm, live by the sword, die by the sword.

Either you truly are someone whos enm or your kidding yourself and should sort out your complicated life.

Lets presume your enm, as I respect thats how you've identified. Then you should just turn him down on the exclusivity.

My advice, biased of course, is to sort out your life so you can actually work out what you want and who you are. It's nice and simple, either you want to sleep around with little to no commitment as long as its fun with great sex (enm) or you want a future with a dedicated partner (in which case, again sort your life out).

Good luck.

[Cloeeeeeeeeee]

I'm not sure that you're fully aware of what enm means and the fact that it can look very different from one person to another.
I definitely don't identify with "sleeping around with little to no commitment" and I am a dedicated partner (hence why I'm happy to respect that no everyone has an ease to separate sex from feelings).
There's a lot of nuances out of the monogamy that I've never personally fitted into ✨
But the fact that I'm capable of being non-monogamous doesn't mean that I NEED to be it.
I wasn't questioning my identity with this question 🙃
But thank you for your input!

[Opinion Owner]

You should google it: https://www.google.com/search?q=+enm

"Ethical non-monogamy refers to any relationship dynamic in which partners consent to pursue sexual and romantic connections with multiple people."

Well if your not questioning your identity then you should deny exclusivity. If your using the Googled definition.

"ethically non-monogamous or polyamorous people see no reason to limit their options in this way."

Why limit your options now... live by your sword.

[Opinion Owner]

aka, being manogomous now would be hypocritical of you unless you abandon or relent your enm (assuming google is telling it right).

[Cloeeeeeeeeee]

Literally nothing about entering a monogamous relationship would be hypocritical, going by those definitions.
"Any relationship dynamic in which partners -consent- [...]" and "[...] people see -no reason- to limit their options [...]".
Very obvious to mention that consent is key in any kind of relationship and the reason would be that my partner's (and mine) mental and emotional wellbeing are very important to me. As I've said: because I'm capable of being enm doesn't mean that I have to practice it.
I'm still not sure what do you think it's hypocritical about it.

[Opinion Owner]

So, as I quoted "see no reason to limit their options", if a person sees no reason to limit their options they would just remain 'them' and be with whomever they choose to (but declaring excusivity is not the same as, happening to be excusive due to a single partner satisfying your need without an explicit mandate or declaration of exclusivity).

Anyway, its a modern age standard to 'play loose' with titles and identitying (also to give new names for things with old names due to people becoming sensitive about titles); Since (from what I can find online) enm embodies "not wanting to limit a persons options" [or possibly was just a phase until you found a traditional 'exclusive' relationship]. I do agree that, if you just 'happened' to be exclusive (without going to any length to declare it to each other) you continiously choose this person, that's not hypocritical based on "not wanting to limit options", since at any time you can change your mind; However, by allowing him to have you declare as 'exclusive' your definitely limiting your options and seem to at least this outside observer a hyporacy choosing that (given google definition)

Your decision is simple. Either your someone who "doesn't want to limit their options" and you should deny exclusivity (as that is limiting your options) or your someone more traditional that wants to settle down with one man, but before doing so wants to sleep with whomever they like without others labling you (outside of a lable you select for yourself).

Completely fair that you decide what and who you are, but external observers will also see what they do, and maybe entirely incorrect.

So basically, to this external observer its deciding on the reason you where identifying as enm.

[Lokiion]

You said you take things slow so stand on principle

[Cloeeeeeeeeee]

Wise words right here, my man.
Thank you 💚

[Iron_Man]

You shouldn’t have sex until after you’re married, that could ruin the relationship Rushing sex

[Anonymous]

A week, nah I don't think so.