What do you think of women who don’t just want you to pay all the time?

[Anonymous]

So I went on 4 dates with a guy, we aren’t couple yet, just talking.
The first time he treated me with a good meal, and I treated him with movies on that day. Apparently the money he paid was more than I did.
Today he treated me with movies and I had to get to the bus so soon, I don’t want to make an impression that I’m the kind of woman who just wants the man to pay and then just leave for her self interest.
So I transferred him money saying “Thank you so much for the company today to the movies. I didn’t get the chance to treat you with a big meal, so here’s my treat for the movies.”
But he declined it and didn’t accept the transaction. So I said “so next time I’ll treat you a big dinner. ;)”

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s fair to both pay on dates or alternate

[Asker]

No he paid it himself already so fast

[BarryLiverstone]

As I said it’s fair to alternate. Yes he paid this time. So you can pay next time.

by the way you have been on 4 dates. Why haven’t you asked him to be your boyfriend?

[Asker]

4 dates isn’t enough.. I’m a very serious person 😂

[BarryLiverstone]

How many dates are enough? It’s fair to be serious. But keep in mind he could be seeing another girl rn. Until you are in a committed relationship he’s allowed to date multiple people.

[Asker]

It’s okay, cause I only want causal and short term dating at the moment. I’m prepared that anybody leaves.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok, that’s another reason why you want to make sure both are paying for the dates. You don’t want him to start investing in the long term.

[Asker]

Well, I must say you are correct that that’s why I want to make sure we both pay for the dates. Cause I don’t want him to think he loses his money. But, I can tell by the situation that he’s not so invested emotionally (not sure), I’m keeping my distance emotionally and financially, just for the sake of getting hurt, cause I think I might be emotionally unavailable.. I don't know, I just don’t want anyone to get hurt. Maybe I’ll talk about it with him some day.

[Asker]

*for the sake of not getting hurt”

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s noble to be concerned about his emotions but that’s why communication and setting expectations is important. If you remind him that you are having fun but that you are not ready for a long term relationship that will help him continue to not fall for you but keep his distance.

If you actually do want a longterm relationship but something is an internal fear or holding you back then that’s work you have to do on your own. The longer you see him and gain trust in him to more likely it is you will become emotionally invested. It’s one reason why casual usually is short term

[Asker]

I understand what you mean. Yea!! The more I see him, the more likely it’s will get more serious for me.
I don't know what he wants, sometimes he seems to be wanting long term but sometimes I feel like he’s not that invested. I’m not sure. I’m not sure myself either. I don't know if the situation will get more chaotic if no one sets boundaries and expectations.. but it’s hard to open up as it might hurt his or my feelings

[BarryLiverstone]

For sure the longer it goes with no one setting expectations then the higher chances of hurt feelings and chaos. On one hand that may feel fun and exciting as you don’t know what will happen next. But as you are an adult and responsible it’s more mature to just be the first to express what you want and need and see how he reacts. As you said in the worst case if he goes away then no harm done. On the other hand imagine if you ended up pregnant or if one of you fell in love in such a relationship

[Asker]

I promise myself I won’t have sex before marriage 😂
But thank you for your opinion!! It’s insightful:)

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome. At 17 I also had promised myself

[Asker]

:) :)