How do I break up with my long term partner who has an emotional disorder?

[Anonymous]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We met when I was 22 and he was in his 30s. I mention our age because at that time, I knew nothing of what I was looking for in someone. We rushed things. As crazy as it sounds since our first date, we never spent a night apart. He was the one orchestrating this, but I went along with it, and within the first week he told me he loved me and I felt pressured to say it back. As time passed in the relationship I essentially became a caretaker for him. I drive him everywhere, I make most of his meals, and I am the only one who works. I don’t resent him for this, because I know he does what he can. It wasn’t easy adjusting, in our early fights he would have extreme outbursts and he would regularly threaten suicide. He’s learned to manage this over time and that hasn’t happened in years. Recently I’ve realized how detached I truly feel from him. He’s a great person, but I know I’m not in love with him. I’ve wondered if he’s been able to detect this, because lately he’s been love bombing me with cheesy Instagram posts and constantly makes extreme statements about how he wouldn’t be able to live without me. He wants us to get married. I want to leave, but every time I consider it I feel overwhelmed by so many things. I think of all the things he relies on me for, and I worry about how he will manage afterwards. I don’t want to hurt him even though it’s inevitable. I’m worried about his reaction, and I wonder if he would have an outburst like the ones he used to have. He’s cut down a lot on this medications he has to take and has made a lot of progress, I worry about this ruining that. He also doesn’t have a car, and I don’t want to leave him without one, so I’ve considered trying to buy him one. I feel terrible, because I know I’ve wasted so much of his time. But our entire relationship, I’ve felt smothered, so much that I don’t talk to anyone in my life about what I’ve been feeling for so long. Any advice?

[ZamerZ]

I've been the almost exact situation before and let me tell you - the stress will wear you down. Always worrying about him will eat you up and leave no bones, girl. I can promise you that if you continue to be his caretaker now, you will do it until one of you dies. You will spend a miserable life with the wrong person and that's a fact.

I always tried to shield my ex from the big bad world and everything that he claimed he couldn't tackle on his own and needed help with. And in return, he relied fully on me - he didn't even try to do everything himself. The stress dropped me into a secondhand depression and smothered me to the point where I only had a drastic way to get out. I went through every stage and feeling you are describing here and I'm telling you, it's better to get out now. You need to leave him.

I don't know about both of your support systems, but if you have a safety net of people, call on them for help. The toughest part is the mentality you need for this. Nothing that happens after you leave is your fault. It's his own incompetence and projections. He's tearing you down with him and you can't let that happen. It's hard, but it's the only thing you can do.

If you wanna talk more about it, feel free to hit me up. I feel you a lot.

[XHopelessRomanticX]

Sometimes you just have to rip the bandaid off. You got into a relationship with this guy because you didn’t know yet what you wanted, and now that you’re older and have been in this relationship for a while, you’re realizing he isn’t it. It is not your job to fix him or make him into the man you want him to be. You can’t make him something he is not.
Relationships, when they are with the right person, are easy.

He may try to throw the book at you. Cry. Yell. Put the blame on you. Threaten to “kill himself”. You can’t control what he does or doesn’t do, only how you respond to it. It’s not your job to coddle him, make sure he takes his meds, or be his mommy. He’s a grown man and needs to deal with his issues like every other adult, on his own.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow sis, that's a really tough situation. It seems like you've sacrificed a lot to support him through his struggles, and there's no doubt he cares about you deeply. But you also have to take care of yourself and your own happiness. Here's what I think:

- Tell trusted friends/family what's really been going on. Get their support during this difficult time.

- Talk to his doctor privately beforehand. Express your concerns about his mental health and reaction. They may be able to help plan how to transition more safely.

- Have the talk in a public place for both your protection, like a park. Stay calm and let him talk through his feelings.

- Set clear boundaries after - no contacting you until he's stable, etc. Make a clean break so you can both start to heal.

- Look into resources like caretaker support groups. They'll understand what you've been through.

- Don't feel guilty. You gave years of your life - you deserve to find real love and freedom now too.

It'll be hard, but staying in a loveless relationship won't do either of you any good long-term. With a solid plan and support, an amicable split is possible. You've got this - your happiness is so important too! Let me know if you need anything else.

[slatyb]

Are you living together? If so, who is on the lease? If not, it's simple. Say "I'm sorry this isn't working for me and I won't be seeing you anymore."

[DishLady]

This is tricky because you want to be kind but also need to move on... I get it.

It's difficult to love someone romantically and also be their caretaker. It's different when you're married and have grown into the caretaking phases with your partner...

Since you know him well enough to know his triggers, consider a gentle way to sit with him and share how your feeling and to clearly state that things aren't working out for you romantically... and that you need to stop being his girlfriend. (Obviously, adjust the wording to best suit you and your guy, however that's basically what needs to be done.)

Simple and direct, yet empathetic. I think you know what to do, seeing as you've been good about tending to him like this. I'm sure you'll do fine. :)