Was I being too much by trying to tell my friend his new relationship is a red flag?

[Anonymous]

So my ex best friend is exclusively dating this girl from Peru, he’s American himself. They met on an app called Bigo where she dances for money. He ended up paying her a lot of money, like a few hundreds and from there I guess she got his attention. They got each others number and started flirting, he called her his wife and they were already talking about spending their life together, like within the first week. He eventually told me after 2 weeks, being quite nervous because he knows I wouldn’t approve. He’s got himself into toxic relationships before and this from the get go to me, feels like a recipe for another one.

He’s addicted to Bigo, like it’s become a problem in his life, he was planning on deleting the app but he ghosted me so it’s whatever. I’ll never find out what happened. This girl barely speaks English and he barely speaks Spanish, when we stopped talking he had already paid her thousands of dollars, after just 2 weeks of talking she was already going shirtless for him to help him get off.

I tried to warn him about attracting women for the wrong reasons like money, or playing the long game in hopes for a green card as she was already talking about applying for a US work visa within the first week of meeting him. In the end he cut me off because he didn’t like that I wasn’t letting it go after seeing a lot of red flags, some of which that I haven’t mentioned in this post, and also because he said I was “getting in the way”, as in distracting him from his delusions that he didn’t want to come out off. All his friends and family have told him the same but not with the same details he told me, with them he kept it vague. They don’t know how much money he’s given her.

Also, to their credit they were talking about meeting up in September, so that’s something but still. This is just crazy in my opinion but maybe I was being too harsh on him, which is why he ghosted me?

Updates

+1 y

From there I guess he* got her* attention

Updates

1 y

Just an update. I noticed I was unblocked on WhatsApp. I accidentally tapped on our call history when I saw that I could see a profile pic again and rang him but instantly hung up. After 2 minutes he texts me “What’s up?” And I replied “I didn't mean to contact you, I just realised I could see your profile pic in my WhatsApp call history and accidentally tapped it. I was hoping it didn't go through but it did”, he responds “Ah okay. Hope you’re well” and I reacted to his message with a thumbs up

Updates

1 y

So that was that. I don’t know why he unblocked me. But texting him did give me this familiar sense of warmth. I have blocked him now though, I know for a fact that he is still on Bigo and paying her money unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I had my male best friend do exactly this when he was dealing with a chick he met through gaming and they only ever spoke online. I warned him often and never had good things to say about her. Not that i talked shit but my advice was always against her because I believe she’s a catfish. I’m sure he vented that to her, and I just woke up one day to him deleting me off everything. I sent him a disappointed message through the one app he forgot to delete me on then never spoke with him again. It’s bizarre to see a person you never considered to be desperate act so… well, desperate. But all I can figure is that I just don’t understand, since I’d never put myself in their situation or ruin friendships on a new persons behalf. All you can and should do is remove yourself finally. Hope that he finds peace, with whatever the outcome may be and move on.

[Asker]

In this case he did WhatsApp video call her, after seeing her dance on Bigo, hence the going shirtless to help him get off within 2 weeks of meeting, so she defo isn’t a catfish but it’s still just so insane to me. I told him to at least go slow and stop rushing into stuff but instead he goes and asks her to be his girlfriend after a few weeks.

Honestly, it’s so nice to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. I’m genuinely so hurt because I knew this person for 5 years and spoke to him almost everyday since. I’m so hurt with how he just threw me away like garbage, and I thought he might just contact me again to leave amicably but he hasn’t. I can’t lie though, I was relieved when I realised I was blocked. To have that worry no longer be my responsibility as his best friend was a nice feeling , but I’m still so hurt and I miss him.

You found like you found peace with it, hopefully I will too one day

[Opinion Owner]

I totally get it, I knew my ex best friend since 2016 and this happened early last year, so you can imagine how hurt and shocked I was to wake up to him having deleted me off everything. However it shows us a truth that we may not have seen otherwise, and it’s that these men were never our real friends. Otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to do what they’ve done. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you’ve been nothing but good and helpful.

I also think the ghosting is because these guys want a relationship so bad they’ll throw everything away. Even long term friendships. Your friend sounds absolutely hooked and if that’s how he wants to live his life then he can go ahead, but when he realizes this was a dumb idea he’s gonna see the error in his ways.

[Asker]

Yeah, thats 7 years! Such a long time, especially for someone to just ghost you like that. I’m sorry that happened to you. He was a good friend, until he wasn’t I guess. He stood by me through a lot of awful moments in my life.

The thing is he isn’t stupid, he has a very high IQ and a good job, and he’s a good looking guy, I never expected him to be this naive and desperate. I can’t help but be disappointed in him and lose some respect in the process. He is hooked, and it’s only because of the way she looks, they literally don’t know each other enough, he also enjoys the fact that he feels “picked” over other men that watch her dancing since she pays special attention to him (based on the thousands of dollars he’s given her). This is a pattern from his previous relationship where he goes for women that were never 100% loyal to him… and the fact that paying and taking care of a woman makes him feel more masculine and manly. It’s all for his own benefit, not much to do with her and what he likes about her besides her looks.

But he’s also the type of person to not want to divorce if he ever gets married, he will literally stick through it. Marriage is very important to him, so I know if he ends up marrying her due to his stupidity, that’s it for him. He isn’t going anywhere no matter how miserable it becomes. He’s just moving so fast and in those circumstances, it’s disturbing to see.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for your sentiments💛 it was hard at first but over time I had to look at our friendship the way he clearly looked at it — as disposable and unimportant. It’s hurtful as it may be, it can’t matter more to me than it did to him because I didn’t deserve to mourn while he left me behind, and you don’t deserve that either.

With your friend, if he’s been like this with women before then honestly it isn’t a big surprise that he fell into that again. The coincidences between you and I are interesting, because with my friend, he met the girl through IMVU. I’m not familiar with that app but I guess there are stripping rooms where people can pay the dancers in gifts, and that’s how he met her. He would clear her wishlist over and over each time they hung out, I’m sure it got expensive and he had his own payment troubles IRL so I couldn’t believe it. But he stuck by her side to an odd degree. It’s just desperation at the end of the day.

[Asker]

No problem 🩷. Yes I’m having the same feelings, I was tempted to just delete our chats on various social media apps because why am I looking back at someone who clearly didn’t treasure those memories the same way? I haven’t done it yet but I’m sure I will soon.

His ex was honestly like a textbook narc, I know we throw that around a lot nowadays but she was so manipulative and full of herself. She thrived on attention from other men, one guy simply wasn’t enough. When they first met she was already with someone but she had actually cheated with him, and also had a lot of guys at work wanting her that she would openly flirt with, send random selfies to privately without an explanation (while they were together as well), but he felt picked and like the alpha because she chose him as her boyfriend. His ex ended up cheating on him (big surprise) and then caused issues in his new relationships once she found out he was seeing someone else. Anyway, this girl is similar in the sense that she’s thriving off of the attention of multiple men watching her dancing seductively, he likes that she acknowledges him more than the other guys. It makes him feel picked and like the alpha over the other men. He got the prize or whatever. I’ve told him about these patterns and he agreed but after a few hours I got told I’m a bad influence. He likes the fact that she doesn’t sell nudes like other women on bigo yet it took this girl 2 weeks to go shirtless for her top paying customer… but it’s whatever. It’s just that he has these standards he wants in a wife but ignores them when he gets attention from someone he thinks is above average in looks.

I used to be on IMVU, not surprised it was on there. I was on there around 2009-2010 when I was only 12-13. A lot of weird horny men on there, I felt uncomfortable so uninstalled it.

Both these men are delusional, I don’t think I’ll be friends with any other guys after this tbh

[Asker]

Also with the payment troubles, it’s the same issue here. His bank account was in the minuses, but he knew he’ll get paid at the end of the month so he wasn’t too alarmed but it was obvious it was becoming a problem to him and he couldn’t keep it up. He spoke about not paying her anymore as he’s deleting the app, again don’t know how it went, probably never will. Instead of telling her the full truth about not paying her anymore (he also wanted to see if she asks him for money or her attitude changes after that) he just tells her he’s spending too much time on bigo and it’s becoming a distraction so he’s deleting it soon. She’s really thinking he’s some wealthy American when in reality he’s broke.

[DishLady]

The bottom line is that he’s a big boy and can make his own choices, however bad they are. He hasn’t learned from his past and despite your attempts to help him see the light he’s chosen this path for himself.


You’re not his keeper. Go live your life and when he comes back to whine about his problem don’t cave and give in. He’s NOT CHANGING and will just end up dragging you down with him.

[Asker]

It’s just because he’s neurotic and has had suicidal thoughts in the past, I know what he’s like when he falls and it’s not pretty. I just wanted to prevent him from getting there but you’re right. He’s a grown ass 33 year old. It’s just sad, I really cared about this person a lot and hate to see him fall like this.

[DishLady]

Some folks just have to fall… It’s the only way for them to change their own life.

[sawno]

You were being a good friend in my opinion, guy is absolutely getting scammed.

[Asker]

He told me that he gave her more money at one point and she told him “it’s too much” and to stop so in his eyes she’s not doing it for the money, I told him that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want the money but he’s like “no she meant it”. Also, they did cut it back after the first 2 weeks, like they stopped with the wife and husband talk and seriously started to get to know each other. Just wanted to include these details so I’m not giving a biased view of the story but yeah, I hate seeing him in this situation and I wouldn’t let it go. It really stressed me out but he’s cut contact and it is what it is

[sawno]

Can't do much about it, his mistakes to make if he cut you out.

[Asker]

Yeah, I’m very upset about the way he ended it with me. I just felt degrading but I’m dealing with it

[Peridot25]

You did good. But, since he won’t listen, I say let him do what he wants at this point. He’ll figure it out on his own if he wishes to.