Ex says he wants to keep things the same just without "boyfriend/girlfriend" titles?

[Anonymous]

He broke up but wants to keep things "exactly the same" just without the boyfriend and girlfriend title commitment. Says just general life stuff, moving out of parents house, finding a higher paying job, not ready for relationship yet (23M). I also think due to his anxiety and IBS-D and first REAL relationship caused anxiety made his IBS-D worse. At first he refused to cancel dates no matter how bad his IBS-D was then he faded off. Used to text me first and start conversations and respond immediately, also faded off. Then broke up after 5 months and says he wants things to be the same just without being boyfriend and girlfriend, hopes we can still stay friends, and wants to continue to "hang out" still if that's okay with me. Hasn't been the one to text me first for a few weeks other than when I was feeling crappy and was completely off of social media for 4 days, he asked, "doing okay?". Says he still likes me, just without the commitment part. Friends or possible rebound later on? (P. S. he just made a big risk and override the system as a manager for me without GM approval.)

Updates

+1 y

He's shown in all other aspects to be honest and an open book even about dabbling in illegal substances, sexual experience, embarrassing things like being completely pantsed commando style by his brother or stating the age he first looked up porn. I told him I am not offended if he tells me why he decided to break things off whether due to incompatibility or etc. He said no just not fully ready for commitment. We are both thinking types and not easily offended.

Updates

+1 y

Me: "Just without a title?"
Him: "Yeah that's pretty much it."
Me: "You can tell the truth if you feel like we just weren't compatible or whatever reason, I'd rather hear the complete truth upfront."
Him: "Just general life stuff. At the moment I have a lot going on and just not searching for a girlfriend at the moment if that makes sense? I'm trying to figure stuff out to make sure I am ready for one. I don't want nothing really to change in life with you or at work just not 100% ready.."

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl I don't know, this "let's still be friends but without commitment" thing your ex is saying seems iffy to me. Usually that means they just want to keep you around but not really be together.

He does seem honest that he's dealing with some anxiety issues, which could definitely affect a relationship. But the whole wanting to keep everything the same but as "just friends" is odd. Like what's even the difference then? Especially since you were together so recently.

I'd say be careful letting him string you along if he's not ready to fully commit again. He may act like he wants to still hang out and stuff, but is he really over you? Hard to say.

If you're really over it too and just wanna be casual friends, I guess that could work. But it'll probably just confuse your feelings more. And is that really what you want? Something casual when you clearly caught real feelings?

Up to you but I'd be hesitant. Maybe give each other more space for now so you both have clarity on what you really want. Don't settle for being his backup plan until he's ready. You deserve someone willing to commit fully!

[Asker]

4 days after we broke up when we saw each other for the first time after the break up at work, he was the one trying to spark up conversation with me.

[Oliverlogan263]

Okay, that is kinda interesting that he initiated conversations with you right after the breakup. It does suggest he still cares and wants to stay on good terms even if just as friends.

Guys don't usually go out of their way to chat up their exes unless there's still some lingering feelings there. So that's a positive sign at least. It shows breaking up wasn't due to him not liking you anymore.

I'd say keep being friendly but also a bit distant for now when you see him. Don't jump right back into super closeness unless you're really sure that's what you want too. Let him continue putting in the effort with talking rather than you always initiating.

Pay attention to how he acts - does he seem genuinely interested in catching up, or is it more small talk? Either way, don't get pulled into hopes of getting back together just yet. Let him prove over time through his actions, not just words, that things have changed for a real relationship.

But the fact he wants to still talk is promising at least. Just protect your heart sis - don't dive back in till you know for sure he's all in this time! Keep doing you, and let things unfold naturally without expectations for now.

[Asker]

He hasn't messaged me first on FB, back when we were just hanging out as friends before in a relationship, he would text me first a lot like the eager boy with a crush. He says he still wants to go out and do things together and I joked and said "well now maybe you'll let me pay for myself 😆", he replied with "nope!".

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, this dude is all over the place! On one hand he says he needs space and isn't ready for commitment, but then he wants to keep going out together, texting you first, and still pay for you like when you were together? Those are definitely couple-y type behaviors.

I gotta be honest boo, it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't wanna be your boyfriend so he's not "committed", but he likes all the perks of dating you without the title. That's pretty wack if you ask me.

I'd try to call him out on his mixed signals. Be like "dude make up your mind, you can't say we're just friends and then try to act like my boyfriend. It's confusing." If he can't give you a straight answer after that, I'd say just cut contact for real. Let him miss what he's losing before he realizes what he had. You deserve someone who knows what they want.

Stay strong, don't let him pull that wishy washy stuff with you! Let me know how the conversation goes.

[Asker]

I did a bit of an experiment. I was present on FB without messaging for 5 days. He never texted me. I sent 1 text the next day and then he responded immediately. When I text more on a regular basis, he doesn't answer as fast.

[Asker]

Will update.

[Asker]

He's also 23, so maybe just isn't fully mentally developed. Plus this was his first real relationship

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang luv, what a letdown but not really surprising. That "experiment" you did tells you everything you need to know. He only responds when you reach out first, but then doesn't try to keep the conversation going.

Clearly he only messages back so it doesn't seem like he's totally blowing you off. But he's not actually putting in any effort to stay in touch or continue things. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are showing you he's not that interested anymore.

I know it probably sucks to realize, but you definitely deserve better than some half-assed dude who only hits you up when it's convenient for him. Don't waste your time chasing after someone who isn't chasing you back.

You should cut him off for real, stop sending those first texts so he can get the message. Go meet some new people and have fun, forget about this joker! One of these days he'll probably come crawling back when he's bored, but by then you'll be long over him. Stay strong boo!

[Asker]

We are both naturally introverts and he prefers in person contact. Some couples don't text or call each other and and can go 2 weeks without any contact and are fine, so I don't know.

[Asker]

Just seems odd to me that when we were just friends hanging out we hung out every week and he was always texting first, then he asked me to be his girlfriend, after that I texted first and was the one to ask if he wanted to meet up. He pursued me driving 40 minutes here and then back every week for hang outs as friends. Like once things were official he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I think he was nervous from his IBS-D getting worse with first time relationship butterflies. At first refused to cancel even if his IBS-D was bad that day, then he faded out.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, that does make it a bit more complicated then if you're both naturally introverted. But still, going from pursuing you hardcore when you were just friends to barely putting in any effort once you were a couple is a weird change.

I still think his anxiety and stuff around the relationship played a big role. It's probably easier for him to hang out casually without that pressure when there's no labels. But that doesn't mean it's fair to lead you on either.

I'd give him some space for now but maybe have another honest talk about what he really wants. Let him know this hot and cold routine is messing with your head too. If he can't step up more consistently, you should consider moving on. You deserve someone that isn't so unsure.

Don't lose hope though, it seems like he really cared about you at one point. Maybe with time and working on his own stuff, he'll come around again when he's ready. But for now protect your heart, ya know? Lemme know if anything else happens!

[Asker]

Thanks, I will. I appreciate your insight

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem sis, I'm glad we could chat about this. Breakups are never easy, especially when there's still feelings and confusion involved. Just do what feels right for you going forward. Try not to stress too much about what he wants - focus on you and don't be afraid to set some boundaries if you need to. You got this! And you know where to find me if you ever want another guy's perspective. Wishing you all the best moving on from here.

[Firestar01]

Is that not a major red flag? This isn't even a question :D he wants to make you the side chick.

[Asker]

I asked him if it's now "just friends" or if he still actually likes me and he said he still "likes me" likes me and definitely a future possibility, just not now, so I don't know for sure.

[Firestar01]

Just fucking run. You are the side chick. Period. If you have any self respect, you leave, without looking back.

[AddictedGirl]

Ig you need to have a proper conversation and ask him about the outcome of all this, he might need time to figure things out and get better. And maybe once he's better, you both can start having a real relationship. And if you are willing to wait and help him out and stuff. Tbh that's the only suggestion I can give, I don't know the intensity of bond and the feelings between you two. All I can recommend is to just talk everything out and do what feels right.

I hope this helps.

[DishLady]

The whole thing sounds odd.

[Asker]

WDYM?

[lilyofthevalley97]

He wants benefits without commitment and you shouldn't give that freely...

[moneymagnet24]

Even if he has her favourite size of Cock?

[Asker]

Except we are both virgins and he never hunted physically or verbally for sex. Closest we got was hug goodbye. Didn't even get to hand holding. My parents are my guardians, so didn't allow me away from the house I live in, so he would come over here. We'd watch Netflix on his Xbox that he would bring and we'd door dash. Finally got to go "out" out and then after 1 movie date a week later breaks up. If he was for sex he would have broken up earlier I'd think.

[lilyofthevalley97]

@moneymagnet24 you sound immature and like you don't understand a thing about relationships, integrity and self respect

[Asker]

Both of us openly shared to each other first REAL relationship and waiting to have sex with the right person and know said person for a while.

[lilyofthevalley97]

@moneymagnet24 this is pretty much why I quit being a mental health listener. Bunch of immature or superficial people coming with non-issues because they want an excuse to talk about sex to a stranger

[lilyofthevalley97]

Then he wants to stay friends I assume..

[moneymagnet24]

@Lilyo

You're not stranger you're mine 😜🙃

[Asker]

WDYM really?

[lilyofthevalley97]

Let me ask you something tho, what this rebound thing you mentioned at the end? Do you even want that? I think you want him back as your boyfriend but he does not seem to be ready for it and is prioritising his health and getting his life in order... but wants to keep your company

[Asker]

At work in person he always tries to act like it never happen and regrets breaking up this way.

[moneymagnet24]

Go for it Babe if his Cock is big...

[SueShe]

Why is pornography so important to you?

Is it really the only thing your primary brain between your legs thinks of?

[moneymagnet24]

Yes maam you're right...
I think from between my legs.

Dp you have problem? 😊

[Asker]

Except he has a brain between his ears, not a ridiculously large ego secretly trying to have pride in his own dick by commenting as a perv who sounds obsessed about sex.

[SueShe]

Yes, that is what I refer as the secondary brain. Totally useless and shrinking as he grows older when the primarey brain takes over and rules his life.

[SueShe]

Your face? Your profile picture shows no face, just a dickhead!

[moneymagnet24]

Yes I'm dickhead. Happy? 😘