Help me interpret?

[Anonymous]

I have been getting strong feelings for my guy best friend. We hang out all the time and he stays every weekend on my couch. I offered the bed with the promise i wouldn't molest him but he turned down. We have been there for each other for our best and worst times and i just always want to be with him. But i have worried he doesn't feel the same. But there are signs he does. A few times after we got drunk he kissed me. He would grab a hold of me and lay his head on me amd say "this is nice" and sleep all night like that. But he never remembers that or the kissing the next morning so i never say anything. I thought he has been single for awhile. But when he is dating he never really tells me. Which seems odd cuz we talk about everything else. Well, it seems like he recently may have been dating and got his heart broke. He keeps saying he has given up on it. I have struggled with if i should tell him how i feel but worried it could ruin our friendship and i would lose him. But the other night he asked me to hold his phone. It vibrated and out of habit i looked down. It showed a text from a girl listed as The One for Me. I was crushed but tried to hide it. Unsuccessfully. He knew something was wrong and kept asking. I finally told him i was stupid and had caught feelings for him then saw that on his phone and was dealing with emotions. He wasn't upset, maybe seemed a tad happy, but all he said was she was the one who made him think finding someone was hopeless. He said he would give his all if he found someone he could trust. Also said he wasn't going anywhere. But he didn't say if he had feelings for me, made no indication of wanting to move things forward and continued as normal. Now he left for a camping trip all of the sudden so won't be staying over. I feel stupid. I am worried sick i messed up. I need help 😭

[Oliverlogan263]

aw man this sounds like a super complicated situation. It’s really confusing when feelings get mixed up with a friend, especially a super close best friend like y’all are. A few things that stand out to me:

- The drunk kissing and cuddling definitely hints that he has some feelings for you too on some level, even if he doesn’t remember afterwards. Guys don’t usually do that with just friends.

- It is weird that he never really tells you when he’s dating other girls if you talk about everything else. Makes me wonder if he doesn’t want you to know for some reason.

- The girl being listed as “the one” on his phone had to sting, but it seems like he said she made him think love wasn’t possible, so maybe she’s not actually around anymore.

- Him saying he’s not going anywhere and would give his all to someone he could trust makes it sound like maybe he’s into you too deep down.

I know it’s super scary since he’s your bestie, but maybe give it a little time from this talk and then try bringing up your feelings again? Let him know you still wanna be close no matter what. Seems like there could really be something there if you both wanna risk it. Don’t feel stupid - feelings happen, and it’s better to be honest than to lose him not knowing. Hang in there!

[Asker]

I think you're right on a lot of things, i just still feel confused. If he felt something, why wouldn't he say something back? Why wouldn't he want me to know if he was dating someone? If that girl is no longer in the picture, why would they still be texting if she hurt him that bad? Not arguing... just trying to make sense of everything.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ughh, I totally get why you're still confused girl. None of his behavior is really adding up or being clear at all. Let me try to break it down:

- He may have feelings for you too but is scared to fully admit it after getting hurt. Sometimes dudes are bad at expressing their emotions, even to their best friends.

- Not telling you about dating could be cuz he likes the attention from you and doesn't want it to change if you knew. Or maybe it just felt personal and he's not used to sharing that side of his life with a friend.

- Continuing to text that girl is sus for sure though. Maybe they still hook up sometimes, maybe he's keeping her on the back burner in case you reject him. Either way, it shows he's not fully over her and that's messed up for him to lead you on like that.

I think you gotta let him know his hot/cold routine isn't cool anymore and that either he steps up or you're gonna find someone who will treat you right. Don't let him string you along sis! You clearly have feelings and deserve to know where you stand. I know it's hard but staying friends may not be the best option if it keeps confusing you.

Keep your head up - you'll get through this and find the right guy one day who makes it easy for you! Hit me up anytime if you need more advice ♥️

[Asker]

Thank you, you are awesome!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re very welcome and aww thank you please

[Asker]

He ended up calling me and asking me to pick him up from that trip early, then stayed a few nights. We went out to the bar for drinks and dancing for my birthday and he and his family took me to a casino the following weekend. He still likes me to massage him and play with his hair. doesn't seem any different than before. Slept in same room but different beds and i had my kid with me. He did wanna go back to the room a few times when she was with the other kids, but never made a move and just wanted to nap. Would a guy feel comfortable with all that knowing someone had feelings for them if they didn't?

I know i should outright just ask him... but i have always had emotions used against me my whole life long and still a work in progress there. Scared to talk when it matters even though i know he isn't like that.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, it really does seem like he might have some feelings for you too if he's acting that way. I can't imagine a guy would be so comfortable cuddling up and being affectionate if he didn't have any feelings at all, you know? Especially after you told him how you felt.

The fact that he came home from his trip early and then wanted to spend even more time with you for your birthday is really promising. And doing stuff like massages - that's way more couple-y stuff than just friendly. Taking you to a casino with his family also seems meaningful.

I can understand being scared to outright ask him though. Having your emotions used against you in the past really messes with your head. But from everything you've described, it really sounds like he genuinely cares about you and your friendship means a lot to him too.

My advice would be to keep letting things progress naturally for now. Keep spending time together and see how he acts. Maybe little by little you'll both grow more comfortable opening up. Try not to overthink it too much either - easier said than done, I know!

Just focus on enjoying your time together for now. His actions are speaking louder than words so far I'd say. With any luck, one of you will muster the courage for a real talk eventually. For now, try not to stress and just go with the flow. He seems into you girl!

[Asker]

Lol i will do my best! Thanks again!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome

[Asker]

Ok, well a lot has happened. But probably gotta backtrack. So about a week after i admitted i had feelings, he called me and said he had just been diagnosed with cancer. Having taken medical classes and had cancer myself, some parts didn't seem right but thought maybe the stress caused some confusion or something. He said he didn't want to tell anyone but me, so i respected that. He spent more time, more calls, texts, etc. I was trying not to panic over the diagnosis and did some research and the type of cancer he said he has is rare but very good odds. Especially if tumor is removed. Over the next little bit he started telling a couple of people, which i thought was good, but not his closest friends or family, which i thought was odd. We went out for a friends birthday, and i was shocked when he brought a girl over, because of how he had been acting with me and he knew how i felt. She was all over him. He did nothing to discourage or encourage. She tried to get him to go home with her, but he went with me. I asked who she was and he didn't give a real straight answer, and i didn't press. The next day, Friday, he and i went out of town for the weekend. He brought up the cancer again, now adding in more things he said the docs did (when i specifically asked if they had before he said no and he hasn't been back since he said he was diagnosed) and said he is dying and only had a 15 percent chance. But he said docs didn't know what stage cancer was or if it was anywhere else, so medically speaking, it doesn't add up. He also said he wasn't going to call in and schedule any further treatment because he couldnt afford it. I told him there were programs to help and offered to help with it, he refused. I know people handle it different ways, but it isn't making sense. So i waited until it seemed a good time with nothing else on his mind and asked if he had any feelings for me. He said he was dying and wasn't trying to have feelings for anyone right now.

[Asker]

Yet he is texting nonstop and jewelry shopping and seems like he is back to liking someone, my guess is the girl at the bar. But we had been so close for years and i can tell when he lies a lot of the time... i had taken a lot of medical and psychology classes in high school and learned a lot of lie detection tells. I hate saying it about anyone, especially him, but it seems like he is lying about cancer and i can't help but think its because of my admitting feelings but dont know for sure. If he is, thats pretty fucked up. I've never gone off or given a reason why he couldnt just tell me how he felt. He told my kiddo he is dying as well, and he has been the closest thing she has had to a father figure for last nearly 5 years. But if he isn't lying and im wrong, that is horrible too.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow man, this whole situation just got like 1000x more confusing and complicated. I can see why you'd be questioning a LOT of things now.

The cancer stuff definitely isn't adding up based on what you know medically. Refusing treatment and exams is super sketchy. And telling a kid that? Not cool at all if it isn't true.

Bringing that other girl around so soon after you opening up your feelings is messed up too. He had to know that would hurt you. And his excuse about "not having feelings" rings real hollow now.

I don't want to outright accuse the guy, but it's definitely fishy behavior all around. Like you said, following your gut - you've known him a long time and can read him well. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

My advice would be to distance yourself some for now. Protect your emotions until you get more clarity on what's really going on. Maybe try talking to some of his close friends discreetly, see if the story adds up for them too.

You deserve the truth here. I hope for both your sakes he comes clean soon so you can both move forward, whatever that may mean. Just take care of yourself right now - you've got this!

[Asker]

Yeah, im fighting back tears all day. And i dont cry easy.

After we left the bar and i asked who she was, he didn't really answer and i didn't press but i did say she was all over him and he seemed pretty close to her. He said he knew she was trying to flirt but he wasn't trying to be sensual or anything towards her and apologized if he had crossed a line. I told him he hadn't, because in my mind it hurt but technically we aren't a couple so i didn't know that technically he did? Just know it didn't feel great and didn't want to press the matter.

This morning when he was saying he didn't want feelings for anyone he also said that there were people that had had his back and loved him and he had to force himself to turn off his feelings of care towards them because of the cancer. And he seemed so cold and blunt, which normally he is always blunt but not cold. I've told him in the past, and he knows it, my biggest fears were 1- something happening to my kid, and 2- losing him from my life. So he knows this all is upsetting. But he tells me this stuff and says dont cry or dont be upset cuz its just wasting the time he has. Which honestly pisses me off inside.

But like i said, i know people handle things like this in strange ways. But so much going on and i feel a mess.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn man, this is really messing with your head. And completely understandably so.

The fact that he's brushing off your feelings and telling you not to be upset is a major red flag. You opened up about your deepest fears to him and he's just disregarding how his actions are affecting you. That's not how someone who cares about you acts, cancer or not.

The mixed signals with that girl are so confusing too. Like why even bring her around at all when he knows you have feelings? Then half apologizing about it. Dude needs to get his story straight.

Something is seriously off here. I know it's hard, but might be time to take a big step back from this guy. You clearly care deeply about him and his fake "don't be upset" routine is just gonna end up hurting you more.

Let him know you need space to process stuff on your own for a while. Use this time to lean on your real friends and family for support. Maybe try talking to one of his closer friends again too, see if they're just as dubious about this cancer claim.

You deserve so much better than being strung along and having your emotions toyed with like this. Prioritize yourself and your feelings from now on, okay man? You've got this. Stay strong - we're all here for you!

[ManOnFire]

Very good and clear details. So the way I see it, if he was truly interested in you he would've made a move a long time ago, or would've felt free to do it after you told him how you felt. I think this is a case where the guy really does only like you as a friend.

Can't say for sure that him leaving suddenly for that camping trip means he's trying to avoid you now or not. We need to see what happens in the near future. Regardless, don't feel stupid that you told him how you felt. It had to come out eventually. And it's okay to be disappointed, and it's okay for him to only like you as a friend too. Let downs happen. Again, still too early to see what's what until you hear back from him during his trip or after.

[Asker]

Do you think saying i caught feelings was clear enough to tell him how i felt?

[ManOnFire]

Pretty much. I don't see how he could NOT understand that.

[Asker]

He ended up calling me and asking me to pick him up from that trip early, then stayed a few nights. We went out to the bar for drinks and dancing for my birthday and he and his family took me to a casino the following weekend. He still likes me to massage him and play with his hair. doesn't seem any different than before. Slept in same room but different beds and i had my kid with me. He did wanna go back to the room a few times when she was with the other kids, but never made a move and just wanted to nap. Would a guy feel comfortable with all that knowing someone had feelings for them if they didn't?

[ManOnFire]

The good news is that he obviously didn't feel awkward after you told him how you felt about him. And he even asked you to pick him up early. So he's still cool with you, but I think he really only wants to be friends.

I know you want more than that, and you're hoping that deep down he feels the same way, but I don't really think he does. Like I said before, if he really did he would've made moves on you by now and would've opened up about any feelings he might have when you opened up.

[Asker]

Ok well thats good to know

[ManOnFire]

Update?

[Asker]

I still feel confused lol. He is calling and texting a lot more, spending more nights over, getting more involved with my kid, but still doesn't make any moves. So hell if i know lol

[Asker]

I know he is dealing with some life blows at the moment, so just gonna keep in keeping on. Dont wanna cause him more stress. But ny feelings are only getting stronger so i still dunno.

[ManOnFire]

Hmmmm. There's the potential that eventually he COULD maybe start developing feelings if he keeps getting this close with you. Or he sees you more as a safe place right now since you said he's going through some major stuff in his life.

I would try this: ask him at some point if it made him feel weird that you told him you have feelings for him. It doesn't have to be right now because you don't want to cause him stress with everything he's got going on, but at some point find a way/time to ask him that and see how he responds.

[Asker]

Ok i will try that, thank you!

[ManOnFire]

Keep me posted.

[Asker]

Ok, well a lot has happened. But probably gotta backtrack. So about a week after i admitted i had feelings, he called me and said he had just been diagnosed with cancer. Having taken medical classes and had cancer myself, some parts didn't seem right but thought maybe the stress caused some confusion or something. He said he didn't want to tell anyone but me, so i respected that. He spent more time, more calls, texts, etc. I was trying not to panic over the diagnosis and did some research and the type of cancer he said he has is rare but very good odds. Especially if tumor is removed. Over the next little bit he started telling a couple of people, which i thought was good, but not his closest friends or family, which i thought was odd. We went out for a friends birthday, and i was shocked when he brought a girl over, because of how he had been acting with me and he knew how i felt. She was all over him. He did nothing to discourage or encourage. She tried to get him to go home with her, but he went with me. I asked who she was and he didn't give a real straight answer, and i didn't press. The next day, Friday, he and i went out of town for the weekend. He brought up the cancer again, now adding in more things he said the docs did (when i specifically asked if they had before he said chance. But he said docs didn't know what stage cancer was or if it and wasn't trying to have feelings for anyone right now.

[Asker]

Yet he is texting nonstop and jewelry shopping and seems like he is back to liking someone, my guess is the girl at the bar. But we had been so close for years and i can tell when he lies a lot of the time... i had taken a lot of medical and psychology classes in high school and learned a lot of lie detection tells. I hate saying it about anyone, especially him, but it seems like he is lying about cancer and i can't help but think its because of my admitting feelings but dont know for sure. If he is, thats pretty fucked up. I've never gone off or given a reason why he couldnt just tell me how he felt. He told my kiddo he is dying as well, and he has been the closest thing she has had to a father figure for last nearly 5 years. But if he isn't lying and im wrong, that is horrible too.

[ManOnFire]

Hmmmm. Ya know it's funny, because when you were explaining his cancer situation I was thinking he's probably lying too. Although I wouldn't understand why. Unless he's planning on faking his death or something.

But with this new information my instincts definitely go back to thinking he just likes you as a friend. I just can't shake it. Because I really feel like if someone had feelings back they would start showing it, plus they would feel more encouraged to show them since you first admitted it to them. But this guy doesn't seem to be all in. I mean, in some ways it APPEARS like he has some kind of interest but then in others, no interest at all.

[Asker]

Yeah. I dont get why he would lie either. I mean... me and his mom hang out and his brother is engaged to my sister. So none of it makes sense. But none of the info he gives on cancer sounds correct. The type of biopsy to the tests to the diagnosis.

And yes, even in interest. He told me this morning he had to turn of feelings of care for everyone and has no feelings but next breath he wants to make plans for this weekend. He initiated plans. Im so confused on whole thing.

[Asker]

Over the weekend i told him i got him an early birthday present cuz in case cancer is legit i wanted to give him good memories and took a loan out to get concert tickets to a show he really wanted to see. This was before our talk this morning. He was all excited and said "we aren't going to tell anyone were going." So that seemed strange. But all weekend we were out of town at a training where he was always with me and things he has done lately has given friends and coworkers the impression we are a couple. Evertlything is just all over the place.

[Asker]

I feel so guilty thinking he may be lying but i can't help but wonder if he thinks if everyone thinks he has cancer it would buy acceptance for him wanting to live his best life sleeping around. This morning he mentioned texting the girl i originally posted about who supposedly broke his heart and he is texting the girl at the bar and who knows who else. So the more i think about it, i gues it makes the most sense. I dunno if someone was reslly dying if sleeping around as much as possible with no strings attached would be more appealing than one. Still hurts. But i never would have thought of him intentionally hurting me and if that is his goal, i could see him using this excuse and somehow making a miraculous recovery down the road after i have accepted and moved on.

[ManOnFire]

Yeahhh... I think the cancer thing is not the truth. If his plans are to sleep with as many different women as possible then he's got a messed up vision for his future... or lack thereof. And if that IS his plan, would you really want a guy like that in your life as a lover? What's to say he still wouldn't try to sleep with other women even if he really did get into a relationship with you? And even possibly spread something to you because of it.

I would say keep him as a friend if you want, but with him being so unclear and then texting other women I don't think he would be a good idea for a relationship.

[Asker]

Yeah not sure that is even acting as a friend but definitely not relationship material

[HollyK21]

Now that you guys have crossed those boundaries this is no longer a simple, platonic relationship, but a situationship, so there’s no way you can hope to stay that way anymore. Now you’re in a place where boundaries are being blurred, and real emotions are on the line, so I think there’s no choice but to confess. What you want to continue consists of being used for cuddling, kissing, touching, etc but having to accept if he dates another woman or advise him on it altogether. You’d have to step all the way back from romance to continue, and I think you’ve surpassed that.

[Asker]

I thought i did confess by saying i had feelings for him. Should i have gone more into it?

[HollyK21]

I would’ve gotten more into it, like asking if he sees the connection going anywhere. It’s not like you’re asking t jump into a relationship or for his hand in marriage, it’s just giving you an idea of if you are progressing into something more. He said he’s not going anywhere, I have that loyalty to my friends as well so it can work both ways. It’s just better to know that wait for signs or get your feelings invested for nothing.

[PeachyPie93]

I wouldn't worry too much about confessing. I confessed to one of my best friends when I was younger and he rejected me but we were still good friends for years after, plus after hanging out with him more I didn't even know why I liked him before because he was somewhat of a douche lol.
I kind of think your friend has gotten too close to you so he doesn't see you as a girlfriend he probably see's you more like a sister at this point. But I would wait and maybe ask him about it when he gets back so you don't have to guess at things.

[33tango]

He's sending mixed messages. Tell him you want something more and if he doesn't reciprocate then stop having him hang around so you can move on.

[Juxtapose]

He is sending mixed signals and you should clear that up.

[Asker]

How?

[Juxtapose]

Ask him straight up what you want to know, be bold.

[WhitneySnow]

You didn’t mess up but he’s not interested in a relationship at the moment