How do I tell my mother to stay out of my dating life?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m always telling my friends to but out of my dating life, I NEVER had to tell my mother until now. So at the beginning of summer, I met a guy online. His name was Tim (fake name by the way), he’s British, works as a tour guide (and he’s been working a lot, taking double shifts and such), he has his own apartment in NYC (I’m on Long Island) and when he’s not working (or dating me), he volunteers at an animal shelter. We dated for two months and then broke up, but stayed friends. We still like each other, but it was moving to fast and we both got overwhelmed, so we’re trying the “friends first” approach instead. Mom heard what he does for a living, tells me “that’s not a very lucrative job” and decides right away she doesn’t like him (without meeting him).

So when me and Tim break up, my friend (who is dating a man who’s 15 years older than us-we’re both 40, Tim is 41) starts telling me that her boyfriend’s friend Fred (20 years older than me and also another fake name) as asking him and my friend to fix me up with him. My friend jumps at every opportunity to do matchmaking so of course she agrees and starts telling me about this man (in front of my mother), and of course he’s my mom’s dream son in law (retired but still gets a pension and works part time, has money, owns his house, just bought a brand new truck). So I agree to meet this man to appease both of them, and he’s nice and all. He treats women well and also does volunteer work but I feel no excitement or attraction for him at all like I did with Tim. I went out with him three times to give him a chance and I know that I don’t want to date him, but he keeps pursuing and Mom keeps telling me “so date him anyway and learn to love him. He’s good for you and you’ll be taken care of. Same can’t be said about a guy who freelances by doing tour guide work!”

How do I get my mom to stop pushing Fred on me and stop bashing Tim? My mom hasn’t met either of them but made up her mind about both.

Updates

1 y

Bad wording on my part at the end. I told her to stop it with both men, but she still doesn’t. She said the only way to shut her up is ditch Tim and date Fred.

[Summeroflove]

You just have to tell her you’re a grown woman and you appreciate her trying to help but that you don’t need or want her help with this. Tell her that if you need her advice that you’ll reach out and ask her for it.

If you do not want to be with someone because you shouldn’t be dating someone for money you should be dating to find a genuine connection. If your mother does not STOP you may have to limit contact with her. You should be finding someone you’re genuinely happy with and why be with someone you don’t feel a genuine connection to? That’s narcissistic at best and psychopathic at worst. That’s literally what bad people who who cannot form real relationships is date people for reasons outside of love.

[Asker]

Thank you. This is awesome advice. I have tried telling her that. Literally I said to her “mom, I’m 40. I can make my own decisions. I’m not a little girl anymore!” Her response was “I don’t care how old you are, you’re still MY little girl and you don’t have a good track record with men so obviously you CAN’T make decisions as far as men are concerned!” (It’s true that I don’t have the best relationship track record but neither does she).

I think a lot of it is because my grandmother used to tell her to marry an older man (mom said grandma used to tell her to date 50 year olds even when she was in her twenties) because they’re more stable and better partners (I don't know how true that is but it was my grandmother’s reasoning, I think it was the time she grew up in). My mom instead married someone her age who didn’t work and got fucked over with bills and ended up divorced within a year. She regrets marrying my father, she regrets not taking my grandmother’s advice and I think that’s why she’s being extra pushy about me dating someone older. I’m refusing to take that advice just like she did and I think she’s afraid I’m going to repeat her mistakes.

She keeps saying “now I know what I put your grandmother through when I was dating” and then looking up to the sky and saying “I’m sorry mom!” so I’m almost positive that’s her reasoning.

[Summeroflove]

I think she married for money and so she got fucked in the end. That’s always a gamble when not marrying for the right reasons.

Your mother sounds narcissistic marriage should be about love first and sorry if you’re 40 your mom can’t control you.

[Asker]

Oh no, she definitely married for love, just fell in love with a deadbeat. Dad refused to work and she paid all the bills so she definitely didn’t marry for money.

Yeah she definitely can’t and I think she knows that. I just wish she would stop telling me “just give the guy a chance” when I’ve already made up my mind.

[DrPepper12]

Tell her to STFU and MYOB? Be direct and shut her down

[Nikki1989]

You have to set clear boundaries and be very specific about what you need.

[Anonymous]

be blunt be clear and set your boundaries strait