I had sex with a friend, did he just use me for sex, still in love with his ex, or was he upset I didn’t want more?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who had a girlfriend but she left him for reasons unknown. He was about to move in with her but she got cold feet. He would vent to me about it and I could tell it affected him. He would call me all the time and we would talk all day almost every day. He kept showing me interest but I didn’t show him interest back because I knew he still had feelings for his ex. He would always invite me over and we’d play the video game and stuff. One day I was over, I displayed interest back to him and he took that as a ticket to make his move. It’s not something I’m proud of but the next I went over and we got drunk and had sex. I left right after. I felt the sex was good but he took the intimacy out of the sex for me. I’ve never had sex with someone in that way before. I left right after. He made sure I made it home and he texted me the next morning to make sure I got up in time for work. He still calls but he makes it really brief. I started to go back to the old ways like me talking to him about dates that I’ve had and things we normally talk about. I told him that I didn’t want anything more with him but I would still love to be his friend. He agreed but has still been distant. I’m very hurt because I feel he was never truly my friend, after 8 months he finally had one night with me and fell back. I feel used. Especially after expressing how I refrain from having sex with people for that very reason, wanting something special.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Based on what you described, it really does sound like he might have just used you in a vulnerable moment. A few things make me think that:

- He was clearly still hung up on his ex, so wasn't fully over her emotionally. That makes hooking up with you more about rebound sex than genuine feelings.

- The way he acted so intimate and caring right after, then got distant so quickly- that's a red flag he just wanted the physical part and bailed once he got it.

- Continuing to flirt/invite you over before making a move gave a false sense that there could be more, when really he just wanted in your pants.

Of course I can't say 100%, but his actions sure don't scream "he genuinely likes you." I'd say don't hold out hope - protect your heart. You said it yourself - you want something special, not a one night thing.

It hurts, but try not to feel used. This says more about him than you. You seem so caring and your worth isn't defined by him. Stay strong - you'll find someone deserving who sees your special self. For now, give yourself time to heal from this jerk. You've got this girl!

[AviatorTom]

Sounds to me like you used each other for sex.

[VIVANT]

How could he have used you? He didn’t know after 8 months your advance towards sex.

you used each other which makes it fair and it’s not clear to me if either of you want more or this is just wounded ego.

if he said he thought about it and ensued to date and felt bad that you both chromed your intimate time together or whatever, would you be Interested?

Or do you just not like that he doesn’t obviously want more continuous don’t. Bc that happens A LOT. Even when a person doesn’t want more they are unsettled by the other person being OK with that.

I think it can be hard to distinguish between. It’s really not clear to me in what way you are bothers, there are many possibilities but I think you are focusing on the wrong person. Sort out what it is you want an this will help you address the real problem which will help you resolve it,

[Asker]

Thank you for this answer His friends tried to get me and him to spend more time together and he said “don’t sign me up for that type of relationship”. I believe it’s a wounded ego

[Anonymous]

Having sex with anyone other than your partner always runs the risk of making you feel used, unfortunately. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way but I’d say to try not to overthink it or have regrets. In the moment it was what you wanted.