Men, do you mind double texting from someone you like, but don't want to be in a relationship with?

[Anonymous]

You did go on a date and you did enjoy it - but you won't be together fir various reasons.
You want to stay in touch and you have conversations every once in a while.
At one point she texts you (open ended), you don't respond, she text's again (open ended), you don't respond.
Would you mind if she reached out again after a few days or would you not mind too much?

[HollyK21]

“You did go on a date and you did enjoy it”
“Won’t be together fir various reasons.”


Taking all this context into consideration, why would you want to stay in touch? You had a single date, so unless there’s more to your connection than that then it’s not like he was a good friend or someone important, so why? Then you go on to say you can’t even be together so that raises more of a question mark.


“ You want to stay in touch”


Clear emphasis on you, because if you weren’t the one putting in effort to stay connected, would you ever hear from him again? Him ignoring you and not reaching out first more often (if at all) tells you everything you need to know. If I were you, I wouldn’t reach out a third time and instead leave the ball in his court. Just don’t try so hard for a man who’s basically a stranger and you can’t progress with, it’s a waste of time and I’m sure you have other friends. This isn’t your friend.

[Asker]

Harsh but true.
You're right. I should've said I wouldn't want to stay in contact when he asked me to.
Cause that was on him... I think I just expected more from that 😅

[HollyK21]

Well, at the time there was no good reason not to keep in touch. You’d just had a great date, good rapport prior, no incentive for you to feel like you shouldn’t keep in touch with him. Him not responding to your first message was red flaggy, but now that the second one’s gone untouched I think we can comfortably assume that he was disingenuous and uninterested. Which is totally fine! Better for him not to waste your time. Yes he could’ve been straightforward and giving him some benefit of the doubt, maybe in the moment he did want you to keep in touch. But since days are passing, if he does get around to responding I don’t know if I’d want to chat anymore. His actions are disrespectful.

[Asker]

I appreciate your response.
I think I felt that way after the first week, when I started to feel uncomfortable texting him.
He would then say he didn't mind me texting him at all - but whenever I did, I felt strained.
I know my attachment style isn't the best, and I'm working on it, so I can't really blame him. I just prefer people being straightforward with me cause I'm not always very good at reading signs.
Anyway, thank you for the effort 🙏🏼

[HollyK21]

I get what you mean about reading signs, I wasn’t always great at that either so I just stopped looking for signs and instead looked at actions.

For example, if you have an anxious attachment style then never deal with the guy who’s triggering it. Like you had uneasy moments when texting him, and I’m sure the reason’s because he wasn’t doing his part as much as you. You were having to either begin the conversations, carry them or both. Even if things didn’t start that way, the moment he started making conversations seem strained and dry, would’ve been the time to pull out.

I know this is all in hindsight, what’s done is done, but he won’t be the last man you deal with so this is just me trying to give pointers for next time. Make sure he matches your energy and your effort otherwise dump him before you gain real interest. Men can’t keep up a facade too long, you’d see the change within a month and at that point you shouldn’t have Deep feelings.

[Asker]

I appreciate this perspective.
I don't always know if I'm overthinking or if I actually already know what's going on.
Maybe as soon as I start overthinking, I should realise it's not for me.

Unfortunately, it's often happened that I get too attached to someone extremely early, because I've already build an idea of them in my head.
It's so unhealthy and it also complicates situations often.

I've been working on that for so long, but I still don't quite get it.
I do really appreciate your time to explain. Thank you.

[HollyK21]

That’s the hard part, like getting over the idea of someone that you had in your head. But I think that has to do with expectations we set for that person and sometimes too soon intentionally or unintentionally. That’s why it’s better to not set any expectations all together and just let it be. I’m engaged now, but back when I was actively dating I really had to unlearn habits, such as liking the guy too soon, and don’t envision a future with them, as tempting as it may be. Treat them like a friend, and you don’t want anything from your friend other than being genuine and compatible (like getting along well).

[Asker]

I guess what makes it difficult too is that I don't know him well enough to know whether or not I'm crossing boundaries.
Last night I got a message saying he enjoys talking to me...
I don't really know what to do with that.
But I think I'm just going to leave it for now.
Thank you for your kind words

[Anonymous]

Nope I would not mind but he is trying to ghost you!

Softly drop you cause he did not really enjoy it.

[Asker]

I would think so too, but when I asked about my texting habits, he told me he didn't mind me texting him and was fine with it.

[Opinion Owner]

Thrn send one more see if he gets back! Good luck

[EnjoytheDay777]

I've gotten used to it. It's not cool to cut off connections

[Asker]

I just messaged him to simply let him know I appreciate his patience with me and that I realise he has enough going on that I don't mean to add on. I just hope I didn't make the wrong call in texting again after not getting a response

[verified]

I don't understand this whole double texting thing, why does that even matter lol

[Asker]

It doesn't matter to me either, but I don't want to bother unnecessarily

[Anonymous]

LMAO

[Asker]

I'm glad you're having fun, but it adds little value to my question. So please clarify, because I don't really understand.