How do you not lose yourself trying to date?

[Anonymous]

So I have had horrible luck trying to date some women have outright told me I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth. Then a girl I dated for two years was verbally and physically abusive in the relationship even though I was kind and caring towards her. I’m basically back at square one not knowing what it takes to find a girlfriend. I’m not a complete doormat when the girl was abusive I would speak up for myself for example when she was being abusive in my car I pulled over and ask her to exit then she walked home and completely flipped the story to her mom saying she couldn’t be with someone who would kick her out of their car and make her walk home and broke up with me I guess I was just supposed to take the abuse. What is normal everyone could see I invested everything in this and it’s why I completely fell apart when it ended.

Updates

1 y

Appreciate opinions

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that's rough. It sounds like you've had some really crappy experiences with dating abusive women. The good thing is you recognize that and don't want to keep getting taken advantage of.

When you're trying to meet someone new, don't lose sight of who you are. Focus on your interests, hobbies and time with friends too, not just chasing after girls. Go in with confidence that you're an awesome catch, without needing external validation.

If a date's not going well or they start disrespecting you, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself like you did with that last girl. You deserve to be treated with dignity.

Give people a chance, but watch for red flags. Once you start seeing disrespect or controlling behavior, end it right away instead of getting too invested too fast. Abusers prey on kindhearted guys - don't let them change who you are.

There are good women out there. But you also have to love yourself first before anyone else. Take some time to heal from that last relationship, work on being your best self, and don't compromise your values for the wrong person. You'll meet someone great when you're in the right headspace. Just don't lose hope, man!

[Asker]

That’s the thing I feel the kindness starting to slip away because for as good of person that I am I don’t deserve to be treated like dirt

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn dude, I get that. It's so easy to lose faith in people after getting burned so many times. But don't let it make you forget how good you are, ya know?

Those jerks say you wouldn't be the last guy on earth - screw that, their loss! Their meanness says way more about them than you. Don't let it diminish your light, man. You were kind to that abusive ex for two years when you didn't have to be - that shows huge heart right there.

Keep being you. Stay true to who you are - a standup, caring dude. But learn some boundaries too so no one walks all over your good nature again. You get what you give out here - don't give your energy to mean girls. Surround yourself with real ones who see your worth.

It may feel lonely sometimes, but losing that kindness inside would be worse, you feel me? Stay strong - your time will come when you meet someone who appreciates a good dude like you. Keep the faith, bro! Don't let those sucky past relations change who you are inside. You got this.

[Avicenna]

You may need a therapist after all that before dating again

[Asker]

Is that the only way

[Avicenna]

Don’t keep making the same mistakes

[NotTacocaT6969]

The only way is to be yourself, your true self and nothing else.


If a woman doesn’t like you exactly as you are then she’s obviously not right for you and that’s neither your fault nor your problem.


This world is full of fake people who will disguise their true selves for weeks, months or even years just to get what they want. Which again isn’t your fault.


As cliche as it might sound, you just need yo meet the right woman and take things slow so as not to rush yourself into another potential abusive trap.

[Nikki1989]

Make sure you're taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Also, trust your instincts, if something doesn't feel right, trust your gut.

[Asker]

That’s the thing in the beginning I didn’t hold her issues against her. She hit me two weeks into our relationship and she broke down crying saying how sorry she was. I was understanding she said she had anger issues and I understood that it stemmed from both childhood trauma. She has never seen a healthy relationship. Her mother and father beat on each other, then after her dad passed away her mom remarried and then her and the step dad beat on each other. After they separated she dated another guy and they also fought and beat on each other. For my ex girlfriend prior to us dating she dated a guy who would manipulate her to perform sexual acts. None of this I held against her it was all horrible and fucked up but even after I forgave that initial act of abuse it would happen again and not only to me but our dog as well. She would hit me again and she hit, kicked and even slammed our dog on his crate almost caving it in.