Why is he scared of having everything he needs with one person and how to help him feel safer to go for it?

[Anonymous]

He has been really hurt before, but then he met me, he fell for me, we were together for 4 months but as love started to occur he drifted away and broke it off.

We are still close though, but all the next girls he was with (weeks or few months) are representing a specific aspect of our relationship, but not fully me.

For example, one girl was a virgin and inexperienced and he liked to take the role of a teacher. They broke it off cause she was needy. Other girl was sexually dominant, but they broke it off because he did not like her roughness. Other girl was foreigner and was on a short trip when they met, but she is emotionally unavailable and since I'm representing all of these, he knows he already has that in me (I also was on a short trip when we met and then I relocated to his city). He directly says he wants someone like me: when I was free and open, be was going for free and open girls; now I'm kinda depressed and low, and he goes for girls with that low energy. That's so frustrating, because he encourages me to date someone like him as well, but even though we are now still casually dated (we could not resist each other but we are having boundaries), he tries to experience me by meeting someone new and doing it for them. He is all about meeting new people where he sees me and breaking it off shortly with them and finding someone new. While I'm here, getting tired of all of it, can't understand if he wants someone like me so much, why would not he commit? He was hurt as I said a year ago and he is terrified to just be with me because he knows I deserve a special treatment and to be prioritized and that's the kind of girl he needs.

I know it's hard, hat can you advice me to do to help him to feel safer giving all of this to me? He knows he needs therapy but I think he needs to decide it himself, otherwise he is repeating this pattern and he is not yet ready to stop, but I can't wait too long either. I am desired by many, he knows it but plays blind.

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a tough situation. It seems like deep down he really cares about you, but past hurts have made him scared to fully commit again. A few things you might try:

- Reassure him through words and actions how much you care. Tell him you understand he's cautious, but make it clear you're willing to take things slowly at his pace and prove he can trust you.

- Set clear expectations and boundaries for what you're both comfortable with right now. Being on the same page helps ease anxiety. And stick strictly to boundaries so he knows he can rely on you.

- Suggest doing low-pressure bonding activities together, not necessarily "dates." Fun shared experiences build emotional intimacy without pressure.

- Give positive affirmation when he opens up, even a little. People heal by being heard and validated non-judgmentally.

- Seek counseling together down the road if things get more serious. Having a pro guide discussions sets the right tone.

- Remind him gently that staying stuck in patterns from the past won't let him experience real happiness now. You believe in his ability to overcome fear with time.

Most important is showing patience, empathy and commitment to understanding him. With steady encouragement at his pace, he has a good chance of feeling safe enough to let love in. You care so much - I'm sure he'll come around in time.

[Nikki1989]

He might have had negative experiences in relationships that led to fear and anxiety about commitment, OR perhaps he is lazy-minded.

[Anonymous]

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