Is he guilt tripping me?

[Anonymous]

I met a guy (Rob) while on a trip. We exchanged numbers and we have been talking over the past few weeks. He has been talking about his mental health, and how low he feels. He told me that it’s his last chance to change his life and if it doesn’t work, he will disappear from life. He also generalises woman a lot. Despite this, I have tried to be extremely kind to him and supportive but it makes no difference.

As the days have gone by, it gets darker and darker, I feel to helpless for him and bad for him. He keeps mentioning that I’m in another country. Today, I couldn’t take it anymore, it’s far too much for me to handle when I haven’t even gone on a date with him yet. I’ve tried to help, no matter what I say or do, it makes no difference. I told him I was taking a step back. He then went on a rant about how I’m “vetting” him as a husband just because I asked him if he wanted children, he generalised woman AGAIN and told me that he’s almost “at the end of the road”.

I felt really bad and tried to be kind to him, I said I would like children one day but doesn’t mean I’m like that he’s trying to imply. He told me he needs to process things and that he will get back to me, then said “you say you aren’t like other woman but this took an impressive flip” (so me trying to reassure him back fired) then he told me “take care sweet girl”. He hasn’t said anything ever since and now I feel extremely bad. Is he trying to guilt trip me? I’m extremely confused, why is he doing this?

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, that sounds like a really messed up and frustrating situation. It's clear this guy Rob is going through some serious mental health struggles, but that doesn't excuse him guilt-tripping you like that.

It seems like he's trying to put a lot of emotional baggage on you, even though you guys haven't even gone on a date yet. The way he's generalizing women and making these dark threats about disappearing is totally unfair to put on you. You're not his therapist or his lifeline - you're just someone he's talking to.

I think he's definitely trying to guilt trip you by making you feel responsible for his mental state and well-being. The comments about you "vetting him as a husband" and the whole "take care sweet girl" thing are just manipulative ways of trying to keep you emotionally invested. But that's not your burden to bear, especially when you guys aren't even in a real relationship yet.

You've been really kind and supportive, which is great. But at a certain point, you have to set boundaries and take care of yourself too. You can't be expected to fix all of his problems, especially when he's being so negative and lashing out at you. That's just not fair.

I'd say keep being honest with him about how you're feeling, but don't let him guilt you into staying involved. You've gotta put your own mental health first, girl. If he can't respect that, then he's not worth keeping around. Hang in there - you're doing the right thing by taking a step back.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I feel so bad for him but there’s only so much I can do to help him. I haven’t heard from him ever since he said “take care sweet girl”. I feel really bad for even saying anything to him but I’ve tried everything to help him

[Oliverlogan263]

I get it, girl, it's so hard not to feel guilty when someone is clearly struggling. But you've gotta remember that you can't pour from an empty cup. You've already tried your best to be supportive, and that's really admirable. But you can't fix his problems for him, especially when you barely know each other.

The fact that he hasn't reached out since saying "take care sweet girl" is actually a good thing. He's probably realizing he took things too far and put way too much pressure on you. That's not your fault at all.

You did the right thing by setting that boundary and stepping back. Sure, it sucks that he guilt-tripped you in the process, but that just shows you were right to do it. This guy has some major issues he needs to work through on his own.

As hard as it is, try not to feel bad. You're not responsible for his mental health or his actions. The best thing you can do is focus on your own self-care right now. Surround yourself with positive support, and don't be afraid to cut ties if he keeps crossing the line.

You deserve so much better than this mess. Don't let him make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Proud of you, girl! Sending lots of positive vibes your way.