I'm conflicted and I think I should end things?

[Daisyintheforest]

My boyfriend of a few months has ADHD. I have been researching to get a better understanding and reading books/ articles about it. The first time he disappeared for a few day and I thought it was over. I texted him to find out if he was ok and he got back to me a few day saying that he had a depressive episode and he is so sorry. We continued our relationship, but this time around he ran out of Adderall and hasn't been able to cope. He went to another physician because his physician is out of town. The physician prescribed a different drug for him and he said it is making him become a mess. His body isn't able to adapt to the drug. He texts me he is super emotional and needs to self isolate for a few days. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I have been calling and texting him for weeks at this point and I'm getting no response at all. I was worried , but I know he is alive because he posted something on social media and he is liking reels. Its super hurtful and at this point I believe he is just ignoring me and being avoidant. I have completely backed off. If he didn't want to be with me he could simply tell me the truth and break up with me completely. I would understand, but this is unacceptable. The only way I can think of this working is if he gets cognitive behavioral therapy for ADHD, if not I am 100% out and he needs to switch back to Adderall. I wonder if he is too embarrassed to reach out because so much time has passed, but if that is the case I'm his girlfriend all he needs to do is just reach out. Can other people share there experience and advice. Thank you!

[Cormac995]

There is a lot going on here but as someone taking Adderall with ADHD, I can't overstress how important proper medication for ADHD is. To give you an Idea I was on anti depressants for years because of my depression and bipolar but every single anti-depressant I took just made me bottle stuff up until it came out in massive meltdowns.

When I got them out of my system, I felt like I was sober for the first time in over a decade like a cloud I didn't even know existed had been blocking my view of my own life. I've missed my Adderall multiple times and the best way I can describe it is when you finally get the noise in your head to quiet down thanks to the meds, when the voices come back it makes you want to rip your brain out of your skull and chuck it a crematorium.

Think about how hard daily life would be for you if you have 0% control over your thought patterns? When you have ADHD and it's being really bad it can send you into hours long spirals of negative thinking. When I was still on the anti-depressants my head wouldn't shut up because my ADHD would let me stop thinking about committing S*****.

I spent 50% of the day at least 6 days a week stuck in a loop thinking about it. When I was on Adderall for the first time my life changed forever in a half hour I'm not even kidding. I knew a kind of peace I didn't think would ever be possible to achieve. It's gotten to the point that when I risk running out of medication it makes me start to panic and right now there is a nationwide Adderall shortage because of covid.

Not having your meds when you have disorders as severe as his I like asking a car to go 80 MPH with three tires. Trust me he's not doing this because he's trying to hurt you in fact, he sounds like he's struggling with a mental breakdown and he's probably distancing himself from you because he thinks he's protecting you by doing that.

A lot of people with mental health issues myself included often feel like burdens to the people around us even the ones we love. This is why you still see people surrounded by loved ones kill themselves because the problem in that case isn't the lack of love it's feeling so inferior and useless you think the people you love will be better off with you dead.

You're really sweet for trying to reach out to him so much like this. He needs to let you in, but people like him almost never do well in relationships and if his stability is this linked to his meds then frankly, he probably is scared if you see him like he is now you'll leave him. When people like us get into relationships they often fail because our mental health issues make us too much work.

He cares about you that's clear the problem is his brain doesn't work right on a chemical and hormonal level. He literally doesn't have control of his own brain. When I was little before I understood how my ADHD worked, I hit a bullet with a rock because I had the thought in my head to do so and could have killed myself, It literally went between my legs.

One of the ways I describe it is it's like being a discount schizophrenic. You're constantly hearing voices in your head that won't shut the fuck up, but the difference is your lucid enough to know it's just your brain and you're not hallucinating. It's enough that sometimes you want to just destroy your own brain.

He's dealing with some really complicated stuff and a lot of it is literally out of his control. He can do better, but growth takes time and it's harder for people with mental disorders than normal people to do that. When something is wrong with your brain though on a biological level there are limits to how well certain things work. Is he in therapy? He needs to be if he isn't, meds help but they are not enough you need therapy and the love and support of people you love and trust. I really respect you trying to reach out to him so hard he's lucky to have someone who cares enough to see past his struggles and see him.

Keep trying to get through to him and try to communicate that the two of you need to have a personal talk about this and how he needs to let you help him and not push you away. Honestly he's probably been dumped or shot down before a lot because of his mental issues. We're mostly seen as pretty weird and erratic and sometimes our brains go so fast it can scare people. It's highly likely he's trying to prevent it happening again by not letting you see him at his worst.

[Daisyintheforest]

Thank you so much for your perspective. I really appreciate your insight. Awesome break down.

[Cormac995]

If you want more advice or have more questions add me here. I'm happy to help it sounds like a situation that's difficult but still has real love and I try to encourage and help with things like that it's the main reason I'm here. Well, that and to shame cheaters it's the 4th evilest thing you can do to another human being.

[ohsheeT]

Well the very first thing I have to say is that you are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart because not too many girls would go to the extreme or the levels that you have gone to understand things

Now at the same time I believe that this guy is going to hurt you because he's not even trying to be honest with you

This guy is always going to have an excuse it's not going to be 100% the truth and he's just going to want you when he wants you and I'm sorry to say all this but I mean it is true you're going to find out and I hope that you are smarter than that because I believe that you are truly wastewater and you deserve way better

Don't go out with a person just because you think you can help and change that person because it's not going to work that way I look at you as being a very caring passionate loving heart kind of person like a cuddle bug almost and you deserve way better and I'm just afraid that you're going to have a broken heart this guy is going to break your heart because you believe in something so much and he doesn't because I guarantee you I don't care what kind of drug he's on what he has what is titles are if he truly like you loved you cared about you he would make effort with you and he's not going to do that

And I'll tell you just because I think this and feel this doesn't mean that I'm right but I will guarantee you that I'm 99% right LOL and I just don't want to see you go through this

[Daisyintheforest]

Thank you for your insight. I'm really greatful for the advice!

[ohsheeT]

You're welcome yeah I mean you have to figure out what's more important friendship or a couple months of hot sex or whatever it's going to be but friendship wins out every time or it should anyway yes to be honest with yourself and the other person has to be honest with themselves because we know when we go into a relationship if it's going to last or not before we even get into it but a lot of people don't like to be honest they like to just go with the flow and if it works it works and if not I guess not but I can't be that late most people I know are good friends so I like good friends

[Nikki1989]

While ADHD can impact communication and emotional regulation, it doesn't excuse completely disappearing for weeks, especially after promising to keep in touch.

[DishLady]

If you feel that you should end things then just fo it. Don't drag things out, which will just end up frustrating him MORE.

[Anonymous]

You've been very understanding and supportive of your boyfriend's ADHD, but his recent behavior (weeks of silence, social media activity while ignoring you) is unacceptable. It's okay to end the relationship. Clearly communicate your decision, then block him to protect your own well-being. Focus on healing and prioritize your own needs. You deserve someone who communicates and respects you.

[Daisyintheforest]

Thank you, that's honestly how I'm feeling. It's so inconsiderate, and honestly I don't need to make any sense of it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your don't have enough lives experience of ADHD to understand where he's at and you're drawing conclusions that may be spot on or wildly wrong.
Someone I know (with related co morbidity) just hides in her room for long periods and won't communicate because she cannot handle the outside world at times.
Either way you're taking on a guy that has a condition that needs careful management.
You're probably going to need to be committed if you want this.

[harris2107]

ADHD is different in different people’s. How he is behaving with you?

[Daisyintheforest]

When we are together in person it's perfect. We talk, we go on dates, we watch shows together. We just need to try more adventurous dates. I know he is under a lot of stress with his full time job and his full time masters degree program. When we are a part communication is less. Maybe we talk every 3 or 4 days. Sometimes I have to call because if I just text he might not respond. Sometimes when I have called he doesn't pick up, but sometimes when he does I can absolutely tell he is really going through a tough time through the way his voice sounds and when we video chat I can sometimes physically see that he is really going through it. When he drinks he is very giggly and relaxed. When he is sober he is usually calm and fairly quiet and very gentle overall. Sometimes he can be super chatty.