Lose interest when I can have her?

[Anonymous]

I am 21 male, i never had a serious relationship but i would love to have one.

But everytime i am 100% certain i can have it with a girl my interest just dissapears, i don’t know if i have a subconcious problem or whatever. But it just keeps happening.

Also I can’t get interested in a girl if I didn’t like her first, in my mid teens i wasn’t super pretty but i got a good glow up towards the end of my teenage years and now girls add me, text me or whatever from time to time but i just can’t, they are often great girls but i can’t help it.

Only once i didn’t lose interest, back in highschool and i still know her, have been spending time with her recently and i think i am still into her. She is the first girl i ever liked like that

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, I totally get what you're going through. It's a super frustrating situation when you can't seem to sustain interest in a girl, even when you know you can "have" her. It's like your interest just fizzles out, right?

I think the key thing here is to really try to figure out what's causing that loss of interest. Is it possible you're just not feeling that initial spark or connection? Or maybe there's some kind of commitment fear going on subconsciously?

The fact that you can only maintain interest in someone you liked first is also interesting. It makes me wonder if you're just not that into the girls who are pursuing you, even if they seem great on paper. Maybe you need that initial attraction and chase to really keep you invested.

At the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you're looking for. But you gotta be careful not to self-sabotage just because your interest fades. That could mean missing out on something really special.

My advice would be to really dig deep and try to understand where this pattern is coming from. Is it a trust issue? A fear of vulnerability? Work on addressing those underlying concerns, dude. The right girl is out there, you just gotta be open to her.

And hey, that high school girl you still have feelings for? That could be a great place to start. Lean into that connection and see where it goes. Sometimes the best relationships start from a solid foundation of friendship and mutual understanding.

Don't be too hard on yourself, man. These things take time. Just keep putting yourself out there and staying true to what you want. The rest will fall into place.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yea, I think you do have a subconscious problem. It starts with you liking her. It's not a matter of convincing yourself you have feelings for a girl who likes you. You like her.

Then as soon as the likes you back (when most people would be most excited. And you can move forward)

You lose interest. The same girl you liked. More than once.

Yea dude, there is for sure something wrong. You might have this happen... twice in a lifetime (maybe).

The only thing I can think of, is:

Any chance you don't know these girls very well when you like them?

In other words, are you sure it's actually the girl you like. Not what you want/hope she'll be in your head?

Any chance you don't actually like them, as people, and the more you get to know them, the less it matches with the false image of her you've created--which is actually what you have feeling for (you like your idea of who she is, not who she actually is?)

That is a pure guess. I have no idea if that's what's going on.

But something's going on.

[Ria444]

If you really like this girl, you should spend more time with her. I have had this same problem for years and I am young but I've definitely experienced a lot of different types of guys in my life. I always thought I was the problem, because the second I started a relationship with someone, I'd freak out and question if I actually like him. Then I would ALWAYS break up with the guy within a month or even weeks. I felt really bad and realized it was my anxiety that was causing this, and I was often using that as my reasoning.

There was only one guy who I didn't feel this way about (also from my past), and we're starting to text a lot lately. This made me realize that I wasn't the problem and neither were the guys I was talking to. It was simply because there was not a mutual connection. There's no shame in leaving someone if you don't like them. So I would say to try with this girl, but don't feel bad if you realize you don't like her later on. She will understand. You could even open up to her and talk about it if you're ready.

[Asker]

Thank you for your wise words, will definitely take your advice