Is He Interested In Me?

[Davis4589]

Updates

1 y

True he as far as he went in detail is that he had a cousin coming by and an aunt as well. I was on the phone with him last time his cousin texted asking what day should he come. Our conversation ended on him in the middle of recording songs. Before we hung up we got into a deep conversation as usual and he also told me to help him music wise. To hold him and his talent accountable even if it’s like 1 video per day. Maybe he meant future wise. But it’s been 2 days since I heard from him.

[SteveSmith1985]

You are gonna have to provide A LOT more detail

[Davis4589]

So I met this guy he’s 2 years older than me. We’ve known each other for a week and 3 days. The first time we got together we clicked so well. We come from a church background and we like to sing. That was a turn on for me. He was honest from the jump telling me he didn’t have a job and he was living with his mother he just got in a bad wreck resulting him to have to come back home and be with his mother/sisters. He’s getting back on his feet. The first day we hung out at my place he stayed the night but I woke up and he was gone. The next day he texted me and asked why are you being so nice to me. He goes on to say he doesn’t feel like he could fit in with my expectations because I have a car and apartment he doesn’t have either or so I explained and our chemistry is so great I don’t give people the time or day but something about him just struck me. He does also have a misdemeanor my bestfriend did some research on him because she knows I never talk to people romantically unless I was really interested and plus I do live alone. I confronted him and he admitted it. He was stealing after he got in a wreck and lost his job he didn’t want to return home at first so he stooped to low levels of survival instead of going to be with his mother and finding a job. He said it’s embarrassing and mind you he’s only 26. He’s having problems with insecurity due to his past relationship where his ex was toxic and always tried to dumb him down but this guy is really talented and music oriented! He always asks that I go easy on him. We talk everyday. Most days once a day. Either in the morning and or at night and I won’t hear from him until the next day because of his phone situation. His phone currently isn’t on right now so he’s going through that too but really I feel like he creates this space because he sees me as a great guy and doesn’t want to lose me. He did mention he had another friend he was getting to know before me but he brushed him off and still had time to call me.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh, he's for sure interested in you. No question about it.

I can see where he's coming from here.

So first, he's carrying trauma from that past relationship. That sorta thing can really leave scars on the way someone interacts with future partners. It can affect the way he views himself as well.

Some of the things you mentioned do indeed show an insecurity. Part of that, is very easy to understand.

He is struggling (financially/generally) on a level that is not the level you exist on. I've been there no judgement at all.

He's wondering "why is this great guy who could get someone better bothering with me."

So his phone situation or living situation (he seems to have some emberassment for some reason). But he's not doing well.

On top of that he's got whatever mental/emotional trauma from being mistreated. He feels weary of you being so nice partly as a result of that trauma (I would guess. It's often the effect).

It's hard to trust somebody new as quickly, they're more on their guard.

The other thing which may or may not apply: Many relationships that turn abusive start out great.

Its possible that it takes a little bit for him to really start to trust that you're not going to mistreat him once things progress, the way the last guy did.

It's just a matter of continuing what you two are already doing. Just be patient with starts and stops. So if you go to bed together but wake up alone... let that sorta thing slide. Could easily be a trauma-response.

It will take him less time to believe you'd like him even though he's struggling. That you'll fight through as you keep talking every day. The past relationship stuff, will likely affect him for longer.

He for sure likes you (You better have known that already. This one was super clear. 🙂)

This sounds promising

[Davis4589]

Thank you so much he hasn’t called in a day but he did say he had something going on with family this weekend. He hasn’t been on Facebook either so I know he is off the map. Eventually he’ll text or call back. I’m not blocked on anything so.

[SteveSmith1985]

haha, it would be weird if he had blocked you. I think you're good. If he's got a phone situation, and he's doing a family thing. Those two things together might limit how much he can talk this weekend. Still, if he's able (and maybe he's not) I would think you'll hear from him sometime this weekend. If not, I'd expect to hear from him Monday for sure.

Good luck!

[Davis4589]

I definitely should be good last time we spoke he said “help me” hold me accountable for my music. Because the sings and records singing videos. He did say as well it’s almost as an award when we talk on the phone. I would like to see him in person more but I think he’s coming up with excuses because the chemistry was too good at first. The very first day we met and got intimate. No sex just cuddle. He said “I like the way you make me feel.

[SteveSmith1985]

"coming up with excuses because the chemistry was too good at first."

You mean coming up with excuses to see you in person? Of course he is. As he should be.

As long as you're both on the same page (seems that you are), then it looks like you two are hitting the ground running. That's great if you're both feeling it. I think you've got something with real promise here.

[Davis4589]

Thank you !!

[Davis4589]

I feel better now lol. I was so nervous at him not calling

[SteveSmith1985]

oh were you? I'm glad I could reassure you. This all sounds great.

[Davis4589]

Okay so no call today still at this point I think he’s playing. But he hasn’t blocked me on anything what if this is a control mechanism?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think its highly unlikely that he didn't call you today as a malicious tactic used to gain some advantage. In a way, I almost hope you have some bullshit in your past responsible for that thought/suspicion. If so, then no problem. It isn't what he's doing though.

If you don't have some past experience causing that suspicion... its a little concerning to see someone drawing such a conclusion from the fact that he didn't call. it's just not something that follows. Nobody's mind would go there. Don't sweat it... it's just that it jumped out at me as unusually paranoid (again, if you've been through something, then this all is perfectly normal and fine).

So, it isn't uncommon for someone in your position to freak out (needlessly) in a situation like this.

You need to try and walk yourself back from letting your worries run amok in your head.

So, you told me yesterday that he had some family thing which you didn't have all the details about (as far as I know). You also told me that he doesn't have normal access to a phone.

Its possible this family thing takes him away from the internet, even if he has a working device. Plus, not having a phone he can use in the normal way.

So it isn't actually odd that he hasn't called yet. It makes perfect sense given what you know. It isn't unlikely that his family event combined with his phone situation is responsible for the fact that he hasn't called.

[SteveSmith1985]

Then you need to think about how things were the last time you saw him. They were excellent. He seemed as into you as you were into him.

It's a matter of balancing likelihoods. I can't KNOW that this is the reason. It's possible that he suddenly changed his mind or feelings towards you. It's just highly unlikely.

Given how he seemed when he left, it would be unusual for him to change that suddenly that quickly. Its not impossible that your fears about why he hasn't called are accurate. (not the control mechanism thing). Its just way way less likely than the family/phone explanation.

It's way too soon to be freaking out. There's no reason to be. Its normal to worry a little (only because you like him a lot, and it would suck if somehow it were one of your fears responsable for no call). Just don't worry more than is warranted.

Look at likelihoods. Try and take a step out of your own situation to evaluate the likelihoods as objectively as you can. In this case... nothing to worry about. Maybe if you haven't heard from him by the time you wake up Tuesday morning... then it might make sense to wonder if there's a problem.

[Davis4589]

I actually just seen him active on Facebook

[SteveSmith1985]

Well that does change things. I think your best bet is to just message him on facebook, say hi as though everything is fine, and gauge his reaction.

It is contrary to everything I just wrote in the other reply. I admit, it doesn't seem good. It doesn't seem right either though... wouldn't he be aware that you could see he was on Facebook and didn't say hi? I would think he would make a point to avoid you ending up feeling exactly like you're feeling right now.

Maybe you weren't so crazy for wondering if it was some manipulative bullshit. I'm not saying it is, but it isn't something I can account for. Especially since he knows you can see he's online right now.

My general rule is to cut though as much uncertainty as possible, by dealing with things head-on when possible.

If it were me, I would at the very least say hi and guage his reaction without questioning him about this lack of contact thing. More likely, I would straight up tell him that you're a little surprised and upset that he's online, and didn't say hi (given everything you would reasonably expect considering)

[SteveSmith1985]

That way you end with no more confusion at all. If everything is fine, he will bend-over backwards to reassure you (if you come at him completely honestly about this). And if there is something he's worried about, then asking someone straight makes them feel the need to not bullshit you.

It could possibly be him second-guessing things as a result of his past relationship trauma. He might have some trouble with how well things are going. It doesn't make logical sense. Its something many people with that sort of trauma can have issues with.

Essentially, he might be (temporarily) spooked by the fact that things ARE going so well. That can be overcome with reassurances from you over time. You also need patience with things like this (IF indeed this has anything whatsoever to do with his inexplicable behavior).

Not everyone would be direct like I would. They would go about finding out what's up in a more roundabout way. I can't tell you how much easier my life is for being direct. It takes balls (emotional risk) but I've never regretted being direct. You get full and complete information. You can keep asking whatever until everything is clear.

[Davis4589]

You are so right ! I just remember the last conversation we had was great !

[Davis4589]

Maybe he is on his head. He didn’t really talk as much last weekend either.

[Davis4589]

that’s when his sisters are home from school and he has to babysit them

[SteveSmith1985]

He very well could be in his head. But... If I were you, I would be looking for an answer to why he's online but not talking to you. I don't blame you for being thrown off by that. I think its fair that you feel that way. It would be good to know (one way or the other) whether this means something, or not. You won't know for sure unless you ask him. If you've got the balls, then you should.

[Davis4589]

I’ve called many times and got no answer. And when he does answer we have long conversations. Mostly once a day. He did apologize about his phone situation and always says if he wanted us to stop talking he would say so. He told me in the beginning too much attention pushes him away. And asked that I go easy on him. Then when stuff is going on in his life he feels as though he’s projecting his problems on others. I’m just remembering everything he says because many times he’s online but doesn’t call.

[Davis4589]

He’s not a on the phone person either

[Davis4589]

I feel like if he was using me he would beg me to stay in his life when i threaten to back off.

[Davis4589]

But for someone to say it’s like a reward talking to me

[Davis4589]

That’s what he said. It’s almost like a reward when he’s talking to me

[SteveSmith1985]

Well you do have way way more context with which you're interpreting this. If its starting to make more sense to you, then go with that. I don't know everything said between you two.

"Mostly once a day. He did apologize about his phone situation and always says if he wanted us to stop talking he would say so."

That's good that he told you that. Its fair to hold him to that. This is something I might say. I certainly do mean it when I say it.

"He told me in the beginning too much attention pushes him away. And asked that I go easy on him. Then when stuff is going on in his life he feels as though he’s projecting his problems on others."

So that right there is a trauma response almost for sure (could be other childhood shit, but probably this past bad relationship). This is quite common, and is NOT rational. It doesn't make sense the way that everything else does. It can seem to come out of nowhere randomly. It can be triggered by something totally innocent you happen to say in passing. A bunch of things that are specific to him. No two people have the same exact thinking or response.

But the idea that too much attention/affection might be taken as as 'negative' in how he reacts, and the burdening you thing... those are quite typical.

[SteveSmith1985]

You're going to have to be patient and understanding (to a point) with some of this. The ideal solution is that he begins to trust you enough to be able to openly talk about how his past might be affecting his behavior with you. That gives you a better understanding of what he's feeling, when, and what caused it. He may or may not open up to this point. It does make it so much easier if he can SAY to you "sorry I've been a little weird the past couple of days. It was when you said (whatever... very regular thing) the other day. It just made me think of...(whatever) and so... blah blah blah. Its harder if you just have to wonder and be patient.

The reward thing is a sweet thing to say, and it's sweet on its face if he looks at it that way. Just not too much. If he is excited to get through whatever so that he can talk to you... that's great. Just make sure he doesn't take that idea too far. You want to make sure he does think of you two as equals. He might do things that put him "below" you, and you on some level above him. That can sometimes be a response to unhealthy dynamics from his past. Not saying there's any problem here. Just, make sure neither of you take the "reward" thing too seriously.

I do not actually think he is using you. It's just not behavior I can easily explain. I was more saying your original suggestion didn't seem as completely nuts as it did originally. I do not think this is what he is doing.

If you've unfreaked-yourself-out to the point that you're good. Then you can just chill out, and wait for him to get ahold of you after the weekend. If its not a problem for you, no need to make it one by following it up. But if you're worried or wondering, then you should get this answered.

[Davis4589]

Wait you just opened my eyes !!! I’ll wait on him to respond. He clearly thinks I’m perfect and above him ! Meaning at certain points he could just be self sabotaging to avoid possible traumas. That I would probably try to dumb him down like his ex. Tell you what… what if I changed my dynamic? If so what should I change it to?

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok stop. This is a conversation its best to have face to face. It's also something you need to be super delicate about.

What makes you say he IS putting you on some other level?

The psychology behind it is more complicated than him being told that you prefer he looks at you two as on the same level. This shit isn't rational. You do need to tell him that you are just as into him as he is into you. And that you want an equal partnership.

It's also not always conscious. Usually its not. So he isn't self-sabotaging the way you're thinking. It's for his own protection. it' the same way a child who gets beaten will cower and flinch from people in very regular situations. Its because he is so used to getting hit. Its an automatic reaction. Same thing here. So... you may not want to get into all of this now.. online

[SteveSmith1985]

I didn't realize you were going to confront him with this levels dynamic. I'm not even saying its happening. Its only the potential for a problem I saw. Do you feel he IS doing this? For more than just the "reward" comment?

Also, do you mind if I DM you. Its just easier

[Davis4589]

Right ! My mother asked me could there be other mental things at play. So maybe I do need to just go easy. I’ll be rational. Wait, and put more than just one egg in the basket.

[Davis4589]

Yes u can dm

[EmmaMary]

Just how the fucking hell would we know? Try using the tongue in your head. smh

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[Nikki1989]

Ask him.

[Davis4589]

So I met this guy he’s 2 years older than me. We’ve known each other for a week and 3 days. The first time we got together we clicked so well. We come from a church background and we like to sing. That was a turn on for me. He was honest from the jump telling me he didn’t have a job and he was living with his mother he just got in a bad wreck resulting him to have to come back home and be with his mother/sisters. He’s getting back on his feet. The first day we hung out at my place he stayed the night but I woke up and he was gone. The next day he texted me and asked why are you being so nice to me. He goes on to say he doesn’t feel like he could fit in with my expectations because I have a car and apartment he doesn’t have either or so I explained and our chemistry is so great I don’t give people the time or day but something about him just struck me. He does also have a misdemeanor my bestfriend did some research on him because she knows I never talk to people romantically unless I was really interested and plus I do live alone. I confronted him and he admitted it. He was stealing after he got in a wreck and lost his job he didn’t want to return home at first so he stooped to low levels of survival instead of going to be with his mother and finding a job. He said it’s embarrassing and mind you he’s only 26. He’s having problems with insecurity due to his past relationship where his ex was toxic and always tried to dumb him down but this guy is really talented and music oriented! He always asks that I go easy on him. We talk everyday. Most days once a day. Either in the morning and or at night and I won’t hear from him until the next day because of his phone situation. His phone currently isn’t on right now so he’s going through that too but really I feel like he creates this space because he sees me as a great guy and doesn’t want to lose me. He did mention he had another friend he was getting to know before me but he brushed him off and still had time to call me.

[ZephyrFluer]

please tell more details 😭

[Davis4589]

So I met this guy he’s 2 years older than me. We’ve known each other for a week and 3 days. The first time we got together we clicked so well. We come from a church background and we like to sing. That was a turn on for me. He was honest from the jump telling me he didn’t have a job and he was living with his mother he just got in a bad wreck resulting him to have to come back home and be with his mother/sisters. He’s getting back on his feet. The first day we hung out at my place he stayed the night but I woke up and he was gone. The next day he texted me and asked why are you being so nice to me. He goes on to say he doesn’t feel like he could fit in with my expectations because I have a car and apartment he doesn’t have either or so I explained and our chemistry is so great I don’t give people the time or day but something about him just struck me. He does also have a misdemeanor my bestfriend did some research on him because she knows I never talk to people romantically unless I was really interested and plus I do live alone. I confronted him and he admitted it. He was stealing after he got in a wreck and lost his job he didn’t want to return home at first so he stooped to low levels of survival instead of going to be with his mother and finding a job. He said it’s embarrassing and mind you he’s only 26. He’s having problems with insecurity due to his past relationship where his ex was toxic and always tried to dumb him down but this guy is really talented and music oriented! He always asks that I go easy on him. We talk everyday. Most days once a day. Either in the morning and or at night and I won’t hear from him until the next day because of his phone situation. His phone currently isn’t on right now so he’s going through that too but really I feel like he creates this space because he sees me as a great guy and doesn’t want to lose me. He did mention he had another friend he was getting to know before me but he brushed him off and still had time to call me.

[ZephyrFluer]

he is interested in you for sure.

[Abbycado]

Yep.

[Davis4589]

So I met this guy he’s 2 years older than me. We’ve known each other for a week and 3 days. The first time we got together we clicked so well. We come from a church background and we like to sing. That was a turn on for me. He was honest from the jump telling me he didn’t have a job and he was living with his mother he just got in a bad wreck resulting him to have to come back home and be with his mother/sisters. He’s getting back on his feet. The first day we hung out at my place he stayed the night but I woke up and he was gone. The next day he texted me and asked why are you being so nice to me. He goes on to say he doesn’t feel like he could fit in with my expectations because I have a car and apartment he doesn’t have either or so I explained and our chemistry is so great I don’t give people the time or day but something about him just struck me. He does also have a misdemeanor my bestfriend did some research on him because she knows I never talk to people romantically unless I was really interested and plus I do live alone. I confronted him and he admitted it. He was stealing after he got in a wreck and lost his job he didn’t want to return home at first so he stooped to low levels of survival instead of going to be with his mother and finding a job. He said it’s embarrassing and mind you he’s only 26. He’s having problems with insecurity due to his past relationship where his ex was toxic and always tried to dumb him down but this guy is really talented and music oriented! He always asks that I go easy on him. We talk everyday. Most days once a day. Either in the morning and or at night and I won’t hear from him until the next day because of his phone situation. His phone currently isn’t on right now so he’s going through that too but really I feel like he creates this space because he sees me as a great guy and doesn’t want to lose me. He did mention he had another friend he was getting to know before me but he brushed him off and still had time to call me.

[Madgedays]

Who?

[Davis4589]

So I met this guy he’s 2 years older than me. We’ve known each other for a week and 3 days. The first time we got together we clicked so well. We come from a church background and we like to sing. That was a turn on for me. He was honest from the jump telling me he didn’t have a job and he was living with his mother he just got in a bad wreck resulting him to have to come back home and be with his mother/sisters. He’s getting back on his feet. The first day we hung out at my place he stayed the night but I woke up and he was gone. The next day he texted me and asked why are you being so nice to me. He goes on to say he doesn’t feel like he could fit in with my expectations because I have a car and apartment he doesn’t have either or so I explained and our chemistry is so great I don’t give people the time or day but something about him just struck me. He does also have a misdemeanor my bestfriend did some research on him because she knows I never talk to people romantically unless I was really interested and plus I do live alone. I confronted him and he admitted it. He was stealing after he got in a wreck and lost his job he didn’t want to return home at first so he stooped to low levels of survival instead of going to be with his mother and finding a job. He said it’s embarrassing and mind you he’s only 26. He’s having problems with insecurity due to his past relationship where his ex was toxic and always tried to dumb him down but this guy is really talented and music oriented! He always asks that I go easy on him. We talk everyday. Most days once a day. Either in the morning and or at night and I won’t hear from him until the next day because of his phone situation. His phone currently isn’t on right now so he’s going through that too but really I feel like he creates this space because he sees me as a great guy and doesn’t want to lose me. He did mention he had another friend he was getting to know before me but he brushed him off and still had time to call me.

[Madgedays]

I think he's interested

[Anonymous]

Who?

[In_Trance]

Nope