Should I Ask My Boyfriend About His Ex and His Sister’s Connection?

[Anonymous]

I found out that my boyfriend’s sister is friends with his ex. My boyfriend doesn’t know that I found out about his ex. I might have been a bit obsessed with his ex, constantly stalking and eventually found out who they were. Later, I noticed on his sister’s Spotify that she has playlists with his ex. A few of his friends are also hanging out with her, and they’re mutual friends, which I can understand, but his sister being so close to her… I don’t know. I’m wondering if this affects my boyfriend’s life in any way. I wanted to ask about this. Do you think it would be too much to talk about it? Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. By the way, he tells me he loves me a lot, and even though I still have trust issues to work through, I know he’s a wonderful person.

[SteveSmith1985]

No. What is it you want to talk about with him exactly? So his sister is friends with his ex. That's very very normal. What is there to talk about? I am usually all for talking about whatever issues are bothering one person in a relationship. In this case, I don't understand what the problem is.

This guys sister, became friends with his ex when she was dating her brother. They can still be friends now. None of that affects you or your relatioship in any way. I'm genuinely curious what it is you're even thinking about,. Let's say his sister and his ex are best friends? So what?

If you only know this connection because you've been stalking, you're just going to make yourself look bad by bringing it up. (because there is no reason to bring it up. You'll simply find out they're friends. Which you already know).

[Asker]

First of all, thank you for writing so beautifully. He had a long relationship with this girl, and since she became friends with his sister, I feel like he somehow knows she’s still around in his life. I’ve been with someone before who couldn’t forget their ex, and believe me, it hurt — I kept wondering if I was truly loved. Now, I can’t help but feel like a part of his heart is still holding on to her

[SteveSmith1985]

So this is a very clear instance of allowing past hurts to mess with your new relationship.

You've had this exprience with a long relationship with someone who wasn't over his ex. I understand how you can carry scars from that experience-- especially if it makes you question whether you were truly loved.

However. This new boyfriend is not your ex. He is a different guy.

What you're doing, is worrying about something that is perfectly normal (that his sister and his ex are friends) and you are looking at it through the lense of your own trauma.

So instead of seeing something very normal, and unremarkeable... it becomes something you see as a potential problem.

It's not a problem though. It's not a problem for anyone aside from you. Because you can't help look at it as a potential danger. Just like it proved to have been a danger in your previous relationship. But that is the only reason you are worrying about this. Because of your own experience. Not because it is something legitimate for any girlfriend to be worrying about.

You feel like somehow he knows she's still around in his life. Yea. He does. To the extent that she's friends with his sister. That doesn't mean that he isn't over her. It doesn't mean anything to do with him and how he feels about her. You only see her as a threat, because of your traumatic experience. It doesn't mean she is a threat.

[SteveSmith1985]

The problem comes when you react inappropriately, because you're looking at this inappropriately. This is not a problem. But if you make it into a problem, by not being able to get this shit outta your head. If you start TREATING this like it's a threat... since it actually isn't... you end up causing actual problems in your new relationship.

If you start expressing concerns about how "she's still around in his life, and you worry he might not be over her"... he will be patient and sympathetic at first. But he'll get sick of it really quick. Because it's not legitimate for you to have a problem with this. This is your own paranoia due to being hurt in the past.

It's a matter of having to talk yourself back to rationality. Your past experience happened in a specific relationship. Not this relationship. You can't make your new boyfriend pay for your ex being an asshole.

It's like someone who has been cheated on. They're going to have some trust issues right?

Nevertheless it is inapropriate and damaging to the next relationship if the person is overly worried about their new partner cheating. It would be, for example wrong to ask that new partner to check-in with you... because they had been cheated on in the past. That would be wrong. That person needs to reign in the trust issues to act appropriately DESPITE having been burned in the past.

Yours isn't as blatant as "check-ins" but it's the same idea.

You're letting what happened to you in the past potentially harm your new relationship because you're suspicious, when you shouldn't be... because of your past.

You need to get your head around this being normal. Get to a place where you're not thretened by this. Because you shouldn't be. It's not something anyone would be thrilled about (that his ex is friends with his sister). But it's totally normal. And it's got nothing to do with him. Or with you.

🙂

[Asker]

Thank you for the sentences that show you understand me — I really needed to hear that. Deep down, I know what I’m doing wrong, and I really agree with what you said. It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard. Like you said, sometimes I do think rationally, but other times, these thoughts hit me when I’m at my most vulnerable, and I end up getting caught up in them. Afterwards, I feel really sad about it. But I hope I’ll become better for myself.

[SteveSmith1985]

The fact that you're self-aware enough to know what you're doing is not a good thing is awesome. That means you will become better with this. It's not that what you're doing is morally wrong. It's more that it's not fair to your boyfriend, but more than anything it can cause unecessary problems in your new relationship (whether those problems are between you two, or in the form of stress, worry and sadness because you're keeping it to yourself).

What you need to do, is to keep focing yourself back to those rational thoughts. Catch yourself when you're thinking starts to run away on you. It's not something you can fix overnight. It's something you work on over time. But it is something you can do. If you make a conscious effort to keep stopping yourself.

The first step is to be aware of what you're doing. You've already gotten there. Step 1 is already done. Now, you need to start catching yourself when your thinking goes to unhealthy unrealistic worries about your current boyfriend.

I'm not too worried about you. You're gonna be ok. 🙂

[spartan55]

This is great example of creating a problem where there is none. Leave it alone, there is no upside in bringing it up.

[Staximus]

Why is it even matter? You're making a big about nothing. Stop being stupid and looking for drama to create

[In_Trance]

I think you're a bit insane