Should I say something to him or not?

[Noredcarpet]

Sooo... In my past I have experienced girls who are into my man and they show off signs unwillingly and willingly to me. The unwilling ones I don't care about. Before when I had told him this, the willingly ones, he get defensive, say it is all in my head. I have then withdrawn, my style.

To me boundaries has been crossed as I know she would most willingly do this to me, provoce like that, as if to say she can get away with it, look, he's doing nothing and I sit this close to him, I touch him, and smile at me, this type of smile that is to say Im winning this. These type of things has happened that he has later said, long after he gets defensive, that he did feel somewhat awkward, at least giving me that (that I think he should have acknoleged to me from the start instead of acting as if I'm the crazy one), but he was not aware of her willingly provocing me like that. How about just believing me? Instead he has when he get defensive, and this part hurts, acted as if he is now paired up with her, they're the team, as if he much rather take her in defense as well as himself.

Time has showed that with more evidence to follow, that I would not provide him with, as he did not believe me before, that yes, she was into him like that, and once he get the picture is when he tells her no, he's not.

If this happens again my new approach is to not let her get to me and trust that when the time comes he will react on his own terms. It is only that I don't know how to get the old, or then new, images go away in my head of her having crossed a boundary, my boundary, and him allowing it.

I have a history of my parent cheating with that type of woman (who to me is not how normal women behave). This part I am to blame for, how strong I feel it.

He has female friends who I never get that impression by, they're fine by me.

Should I say something to him or is it no use? He has to get it on his own?

He's complained before he feels my withdrawal.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

You should say something, but not in the old way, and not from a place of accusation.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not imagining things.

You’re reacting to patterns you’ve lived through, and that matters.

Here’s the real issue

When you told him before, he got defensive instead of protective.

That’s what created the hurt not the girl, but the feeling that he didn’t stand with you.

So the conversation isn’t about *her*.

It’s about *how his reaction makes you feel* and what you need from him moving forward.

Something calm, grounded, like
“Sometimes I pick up on things that trigger old wounds for me. What I need from you isn’t to fight her it’s to not make me feel alone in it.”

This isn’t about controlling him or policing other women.

It’s about emotional safety.

Will he understand it instantly? Maybe not.

But men usually respond better when you speak from vulnerability, not frustration.

And yes, he still needs to notice things on his own.

You can’t mother him into awareness.

You can only express your boundary clearly, then watch what he *does* with it.

If he cares, he’ll adjust.

If he doesn’t, your withdrawal will eventually become permanent, and he’ll know why.

But don’t stay silent.

Silence solves nothing, it only grows resentment.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you so much. If there is a new incident such as that one I will interupt what ever is going on, say I need to talk to him (in private) about something. One of the reasons I guess why I came off the way I did was because I kept it in for hours, when I finally had him to myself is when I opened up. This girl she has behaved in such strange provocing ways that I learned I'm not alone in thinking something's off with her.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Keeping things in for hours would make anyone sound more intense than they meant to.

You weren’t wrong, you were just overwhelmed and finally had space to let it out.

Pulling him aside next time is a good move.

Addressing it calmly and in real time keeps it from building up in your head.

And trust your gut when multiple people notice the same off behavior, it usually means your instincts aren’t making things up.

The key is still how he responds.

If he listens, adjusts, and makes you feel steady, that’s what matters most.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you. Again you're right, yes, I sure was.

[jkreuger95]

i didn't even read a single word. yes, talk. it's always better to talk. always. litterally always. if it's a problem now, it would have been aworse problem in 3 years. just talk as much as you can and love eachother. im so drunk but you know im legit

[Jennz6]

Line of communication should stay open