Girlfriend more interested in her phone than me. Should I be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anytime my girlfriend comes home. She just sits on her phone for hours. Even when I try to initiate conversation. Or try to spend time together. She just sits on the damn phone all the time. What should I do? And should I be upset about it?

[Batwoman01]

Yes, you should be upset. You probably need to sternly tell her it's annoying you and you feel slighted by her lack of interest in you. I'm assuming there's something good about her since you stay with her, so I won't jump to break up with her, but perhaps just ask her what she's doing on there that's so important and turn it around a little and ask if whatever it is is more important than you. Either you'll figure out she thinks being on her phone 24/7 IS more important or she'll feel guilty when she realizes it isn't. I don't promise that convo won't lead to a breakup though.

[Asker]

I have told her and she says it helps with her bpd and adhd. I get it but at the same time you can take 5 mins to give me your full attention you know

[RxR0954]

She’s probably just really fucking tired from working/studying/whatever she was out for, and she needs some time to chill out. It makes sense you’re upset when your partner does that, doesn’t mean you “should” be upset. Probably try to tell her how you feel when she ignores you for hours and see what she says about it

[Asker]

Yes, we both are, but I still make time to try and be present with her. She said she plays games on it to decompress, so I say okay, do whatever for an hour or two, then I want you attention, but she doesn't budge, so I don't know

[RxR0954]

My partner also has ADHD and she also need to be on her phone for a few hours to decompress after work or else she would stay up until 5am… if she’s not on her phone then she’d need to spend time alone doing things around the house to decompress. That’s why i don’t expect her attention everyday of the week. What worked for us is that we agreed to have a day once a week when we’re both free, doing things together. I also have bpd so lack of attention from a partner when she’s home affects me greatly. It took us a lot of planning and communication to address it, since she knows i’d leave if she kept going. How long has this screentime issue been going for you, if you don’t mind me asking?

[Asker]

Sorry been busy with work and its been going on the last few years but early on in the relationship she wasn't like that. How's managing your bpd? Do you have any advice on how to help someone with bpd

[RxR0954]

So i manage my BPD with Seroquel as prescribed by my psychiatrist, i take it nightly to sleep. I was on up to 600mg a few years ago which fucked with my liver so my psychiatrist tapered it down to 100 within 2 years. For therapy i go to talk therapy with a psychologist, i informed him about my diagnosis of bpd and he suggested dbt to cope with bpd meldowns and narrative therapy (narrative therapy here is mainly for my attachment traumas with my parents- and my therapist suggested that issues in my parents relationship back then might have rubbed off on me in my case). I’m also on good terms with my parents rn and they know about my bpd and what they did wrong, i also have been trying to unlearn my perception of the kind of parents they accidentally portrayed themselves to be during my childhood (my parents are neurodivergent and kids screaming/crying/being needy overwhelmed them especially when they had me at 27 and never went to therapy or even had any idea about mental health), but this only works because i have been transparent to my mom and dad about my BPD, the cause, and my attachment style (and also what shaped my attachment style), and also because throughout the years since i started adulthood my parents tried really hard to be better people. It’s kinda like fixing my fear of abandonment through the efforts of the entire family.

[RxR0954]

And by the way in BPD and also ADHD, newness such as dating a new person is exciting, and after a while it might die down a bit. If your girlfriend mainly clutches on the excitement instead of containment, maybe it’s time for you to talk it out and ask her to explain to you how her adhd and bpd impacts her social engagement

[Alex-Snow]

Not great. Do not beat around the bush... just tell her nicely that it is bothering you. Is it messing with your sex life with her also?

[Asker]

No it doesn't really , I take ot away sometimes. But I dont want to do that everytime you know

[FunkyMonkee]

I would.
Next time she wants to go out, tell her to get her phone to take her.

[Asker]

Yea exactly your right I will

[Little_Bumblebee]

That would make me feel upset.

Talk with her directly. That you wanna connect with her, but you feel like her phone's in the way - or something that fits into your feelings about this.

[Asker]

Okay I will thank you

[Anonymous]

All girls are more interested in their phones than their boyfriends. Get used to it.

[Iron_Man]

Yes very upset

[zagor]

Sadly common these days.