What are your thoughts on this dating situation guys and gals?

[Pink934]

In January 2025 I was chatting to a man briefly on an app. I liked him and he suggested meeting up. Things were going fine, we talked about expectations etc. prior to meeting. He also mentioned that he’d had a stillborn baby in his last relationship. It left me speechless but I offered a lot of empathy. After that admission, he retreated a few days later and said he didn’t see us going anywhere, which contradicted everything we’d chatted about and our similar values.

Fast forward to September, he reached out again and we ended up chatting for a couple of months every day. He arranged a date with me. The pace was slower this time, we didn’t jump right into talking about the serious stuff. Consistency was there, he was incredibly kind. We met for the first date and it was nice. We laughed, he told me a little more about what he’s been through (loss of brother, rehab, stillborn baby, loss of partner, rehab and then turning his life around). We made physical contact and hugged and he told me I looked lovely. He arranged a second date before the first ended and I met him again. We chatted a bit more, not too much in-depth but enough for me to know he liked me. We admitted we liked and were attracted to each other. We hugged again and before that date was over he arranged the third. We met for our third and went to the cinema. When he said goodbye I could feel more closeness in his hug and goodbye. This time he never arranged a fourth date.

I noticed more intimacy in his replies after this date and he said he hadn’t been sure whether to kiss me. I said I was happy for that to unfold naturally. But after the kiss question? I noticed a slight stall, things weren’t moving. When I asked if he still had time for dating, he deflected the question back to me and side-stepped. Basically saying we’d been busy and that distance doesn’t help along with us not being ‘excited’ to talk to each other. A bizarre reply, because it contradicted his actions completely.

Trauma response.

Not interested

Other

[Summeroflove]

It’s really hard to say…. Look he may not be bad and you can have a level of empathy for him but some people need to heal. You being empathetic and supportive makes you a good quality partner for someone.

Some people…. Have either been rejected or shut down for opening up… and other cases when they found someone they seemingly were able to open up to. It was all a act and got thrown back in their face. Some people really are rejecting you before you can reject them.

Some people also loose interest but then later on gain it back. Some people keep someone around as a backup…. And then you’re the second option or last resort believe me when I say that’s worse then being rejected. Or maybe he’s a coward. Some people also…. Like keeping people interested to feed their egos and validation.

If he keeps playing games. Be kind let him down easy….

[Pink934]

It’s just it’s like he reached the brink of crossing over into more serious territory and then he just retreated

[Summeroflove]

People do this…. Some people genuinely just used someone. And then… poof found someone else.

But what seems more likely. He got scared. He was scared of being hurt or rejected. So he pretty much rejected you before you can him.

You can’t control that.

[Pink934]

I can’t control that, you’re right. Is it most likely he’ll just have done a runner now or maybe he’ll think on things and reach out to restore things?

[Summeroflove]

Yes I would say so. Maybe he really is attracted to you but he can’t attach again you can’t force it.

Unfortunately in some cases…. People want to find someone else but keep someone as a backup. It seems more likely it’s the former. But you never know. So be cautious too. You never want to be someone’s backup

[Pink934]

The last thing I want to be is a back up. But that’s twice he’s pursued me now and twice we’ve not been able to move forward

[Summeroflove]

And they may not be his intentions. But nobody should want that absolutely not. Because that isn’t genuine love. That’s desperation

[Pink934]

I don’t think I’ve been a backup for him though. I think he’s genuinely trying to make moves but he’s hitting an emotional walk each time. That must be confusing for him too.

[Summeroflove]

I don’t think that’s your case specifically but just a idea. I can’t read his mind only offer possibilities.

My honest opinion…. He’s scared. He’s pushing you away before you can push him away. At the end of the day you have to let some go

[sawno]

I think he is struggeling with something. This kinda guy usually steps on the gas until he becomes vulnerable and then retreats.

When I was in a position of doubt if it was a good idea my ex told me the winning line. "You have a girl who seriously loves you, do you really want to let her go?". That made me realize I shouldn't question it and just embrace her love.

You may need to do a similar confrontation. Tell him how much you want him and that you need him to push forward because if he doesn't that he will loose you. Otherwise he may keep flipflopping.

[Pink934]

I’m not sure if I’m past that point, our last conversation fizzled. I basically asked if he had time for dating (he was busy) and he deflected the question back to me. He never directly answered my question and framed that we hadn’t been ‘excited’ about talking to each other. I didn’t know where to go with that, but basically just told him that wasn’t the case. From there he never carried anything else forward.

[sawno]

How badly do you want him? Badly? Rekindle it and pull him towards you chances are it will work. On the fence or not that badly? Find someone else because he kinda showed disinterest.

[Pink934]

I really quite liked him to be honest. There’s lots of good about him. He showed consistent interest until things were starting to become real I. e feelings, physical touch - the stuff that leads to a relationship forming

[sawno]

Exactly which is why i think he's running away from his feelings. Go after him, ask him out yourself and make it known your serious about this if he's willing to match that.

[Pink934]

I think he is too. But I don’t want to be pushy, he’s showing me his answer. And then part of me wonders if the truth is that he just doesn’t think I’m worth taking a risk for

[sawno]

I think you need to be a little pushy in a gentle way because he won't push for it if he's avoidant. If its you it would at least bait him into being more blunt so you know, but I think he's just avoiding something.

[Pink934]

I don’t know how to be pushy now, I just let the conversation reach a natural end. It’s been almost a month since we’ve spoken now.

[sawno]

Could always ask him out and see how he reacts.

[MandalaMama]

I get a huge vibe here that he's actually still in the relationship with his ex. He started talking to you after the stillborn for emotional support. Got what he wanted and ghosted but then started getting into contact with you again when things in the relationship weren't going well.


To have gone on 4 dates and not actually kissed yet is an interesting one. It's nice to take things slow and really get to know one another but it's also another thing that's made me wonder if he hasn't tried anything because that would physically make him a cheat.

[Pink934]

Interesting perspective I have to say! For extra context the stillbirth happened nearly 5 years ago now and from what he told me things weren’t good prior to that and there was basically no recovering for either of them after the stillbirth, and so they split up. I don’t know that he’s still in contact with her, but I don’t feel like he would be after what he told me.

It’s the fact he mentioned the possibility of a kiss/trying to move things forward but then not physically and emotionally doing it that confuses me.

[FreyaRed]

Oh yeah. If I was a guy, I would tell every chick online I chat with about stillborn baby in my former relationship if that was a real trauma. Instead wanting to meet now people to forget the past, to get another movie in my head for the future.

I think he setup a empathy trap for you and you went full in. Maybe you should analyze yourself a little bit and desire and willingness to participate in others people misery.

He got you now he is done with you and sets another trap for new pray.

[Pink934]

What do you mean by an empathy trap? Why would a guy set up an empathy trap? I just wouldn’t do this sort of thing.

[FreyaRed]

Antisocial people don't feel empathy but they know the mechanic because every time they experience empathy it's like a cynical personal attack or stupidity of the person who feels empathy for them. Most antisocial people aren't stupid and start to exploit empathy. Having a death pet or family member, something they couldn't avoid but aren't responsible for is a good pretext to arouse empathy feeling in people who tend to be emotionally positive to them. Such a trap won't work if someone is indifferent or hidden hostile. But if the person is willing and prone to feel empathy for them this can be used to arouse other positive feelings.
Such attitude is highly antisocial and pathological, even though often are such traumatic lures real but their emotion about that happening aren't. Next time focus on their emotions because they aren't good for too long in pretending they have any. Usually their portfolio of emotional acting is soon repetitive.

[Pink934]

I wouldn’t say he was antisocial at all though, he’s very sociable. If anything he was really shy with me

[AI Opinion]

It sounds like a complex situation, and emotions can be tricky! This guy seems to be working through past traumas and fears, from losing loved ones to rebuilding his life. Sharing deep personal experiences might make him more cautious about forming new connections. It's not uncommon for someone to show interest and then pull back due to emotional vulnerability or uncertainty. Keep communication open, but also focus on what feels right for you. Exploring your own feelings about the relationship can guide you on the next steps.💕

[Pink934]

So could he be interested but unable to move forward?

[Staximus]

The guy went to rehab twice. You should have ran when you heard this. You're dealing with a mentally weak individual who gets fucked up on drugs or alcohol whenever he can't handle the challenges of life. Forget this bozo.

[Pink934]

He’s been through lots though. And he’s turned himself around completely, he’s now very disciplined. And he’s holding down a job with a house.

When I think about it, loss of a baby, partner and everything else would probably tip me over the edge as well.

But. Maybe actually being intimate or in a relationship with a woman is what would cause him imbalance.

[StephanieChick111]

He is confused. Tell him to try again if he can figure himself out.

[Pink934]

Confused about what? I don’t think I did anything to confuse him

[WonderingManII]

Trauma response. That situation would make my feelings hurt for a year or better.

[Pink934]

It would make my feelings hurt too. But I’d still push past the feelings to try and build something new with someone else if that opportunity was in front of me.

[spartan55]

You didn't give any effort or show interest.

[Pink934]

What do you mean I didn’t give any effort or show interest?

[DonaldDarko]

Flaky.

[Pink934]

Yup that’s how I’ve felt

[Anonymous]

He could be gay