Is it normal for my boyfriend to not invite me out to birthday drinks with his work friends?

[Anonymous]

So, my boyfriend had his birthday and he wants to go out for birthday drinks with a few people from his work and I originally asked to come which he agreed to. He then later on said he just wanted it to be the guys.

However one of his friends has a girlfriend (who also works at their company) who he (her boyfriend) invited. I’m feeling hurt because as much as i get it being a work people thing it is literally HIS event that he is hosting.

Updates

3 mo

I would also like to add that he has a habit of getting drunk and crossing my boundaries around other people and being overly friendly

[ohsheeT]

Well the going out with him on his birthday umm that's one thing you have to look at it deeper than that he doesn't know it because he's just thinking of him self but in his own way he telling you that other people are more important than you.. I mean only you know how he has been treating you how many other things is he telling you that your not paying attention to. How long have you been together. ..
I would say more than this. You said sometimes when he drinks he crosses the line. I dont care how much you drink you know right from wrong ..

Where do you see yourself in 3 to 6 months.
Start loving your self more when you do then you create boundaries and if you truly loved yourself right now, the way you should put up, you wouldn't do it to anybody. So why would you allow him to do it to you the reason why you wouldn't do it is because you love yourself and you know right from wrong and you love him and you would not want to hurt him

But he's proving to you exactly who he is , and you can see where he's at right now , and you could think of fifty things that he could be doing , and none of them were the right thing , because you're not there

I can't tell you what to do I mean I can tell you where it's headed where it's gonna go , but I don't want to because it would just break
That's why you have to start loving yourself right now. So when that time comes , you can deal with it and understand it , move on quickly

So are you paying, rent and have to bills? And i'm sure you have sex in all of that , for what
Because he's telling you something, but doing something different.\nYou're helping him with everything. He only wants you around when he wants you around

I don't know. I hate answering this question really, because I can see exactly where it said it's just a matter of time. So you gotta protect yourself, love yourself. Start figuring something out because it's not going to get better. Especially if you drinks , it's not going to get better , it's going to get worse

[Finchie40]

No that’s not normal , especially after he invited you and then changed his mind , that’s a big red flag that you should not overlook. Partners that all of a sudden need space are not meant for relationships, they are selfish people that only think of themselves and you will never be a top priority to them, you will just be a convenience if you choose To stay with him. I am not saying you have to hold your partners’ hand at all times but you should never be excluded after you were invited , That’s a red flag you should not ignore whatsoever , i was in your shoes with girls’ that eventually excluded me , and they all became my ex so. If I was you , you should make plans with your friends’ and exclude him and dump him while You are at it

[Abbycado]

Even though there is another girlfriend going, you say she works there. This sounds like he wanted a few drinks with his coworkers to celebrate.

As long as he isn't shutting you out of his birthday completely, I don't see the harm in a few drinks with colleagues.

[Asker]

I really appreciate the answer, my main problem with it was that she wasn’t invited by my boyfriend but my boyfriends friend (her boyfriend) so it felt more like she was coming as his girlfriend than a coworker

[Abbycado]

I understand, but you don't know what went on behind the scenes there either. She may have pushed for it more than the boyfriend. Look at it from her (and his) perspective that this is their evening together as a couple.

They may have seen this as a logical solution since she works there too. You have no idea behind closed doors what was said or suggested between them.

The thing that bothers me is your boyfriend inviting you and then you are disinvited. Now, again, there may have been some feedback from coworkers about making it that only, or he could have just come to the realization that's what it should have been in the first place and he made a mistake.

Either way, doesn't make it right, but there could be legit reasoning. That is what I would ask about. Why did you uninvite me?

[Asker]

We are currently exploring couples counselling and in a rough patch which i felt important to mention and forgot to initially. A big thing he has felt through our relationship is that he will say what I want to hear because he doesn’t want to upset me and that is what he did originally. But it is hard for me as i’ve continuously told him that it hurts me more to feel like he is not being genuine when he tells me things as it usually leads to further hurt, like in this situation.

[Abbycado]

Ah, another one of these "evolving" stories. Right @HollyK21?

[Asker]

This was before all of this came out with the counselling but not too sure what else to say, this was quick written and hard to write every single detail of our two year relationship into one question lmao but i appreciate the feedback :)

[HollyK21]

She didn’t want every detail anon lol it’s just you start this post with the thing that’s bothering you right now, and then evolve the story with more and more things as to what’s really the underlying issue here. Basically saying that him not inviting you to out with his friends is not exactly what’s the problem here, it’s layers of issues and those are what you should really focus on.

[HollyK21]

I’d also like to add anon that if your relationship with this guy has been riddled with issues and/or too many instances of you feel unheard, invalidated, disrespected or anything like that, then there’s a much bigger issue at hand than a birthday party. Couples counseling and all these issues within the stretch of only two years is into a good signs at all.

[Rangers]

I hate to argue with you, you're plain wrong with the last part.

No guy goes to a bar or club with his friends, and doesn't take his woman with him.

If I was in a relationship, I wouldn't go, at all, if she didn't come with me.

Call me clingy, clingy guys don't cheat, guys who call you clingy are cheating on you.

I'm sorry, you had to hear it. Never stay in a relationship one minute if you're not respected

[HollyK21]

@Rangers there’s 3 people under this comment, please clarify who you’re talking to lol

[Rangers]

Abbycado regarding her "I don't see harm in a few drinks with colleagues". If a guy doesn't want to be seen with his girlfriend by his coworkers, there's only 1 explanation

[HollyK21]

In the general sense I do agree that if a guy flat out doesn’t want to be seen with his girlfriend then there’s surely one explanation. However in this situation, given the extra context OP provided, I get the impression there’s an underlying reason to this guys boyfriend leaving her out, and it’s bigger than just this situation alone. She’s definitely got some things to address with her boyfriend.

[HollyK21]

**girls boyfriend

[Anonymous]

It is normal. Work friends and colleagues have nothing to do with you.

He cannot invite you but not work friends with partners.

No it is absolutely ok.

I would do the same. I would invite my partner to anything like this. Never.

[Summeroflove]

I would ask him about it obviously he isn’t under a legal obligation to invite you but I see how you feel you should be able to communicate with him. Especially, if you would invite him to the same situation.

But do ask yourself the question. Is he hiding something? I’m not saying he is but on your update. Is he very defensive? Is he pretty secretive?

[OlderAndWiser]

Either there is someone attending who is your potential replacement, or he is simply embarrassed to have people know that you are his partner. Doesn't sound good.

[Truthatanycost]

''he has a habit of getting drunk and crossing my boundaries around other people and being overly friendly ''

He has shown you who he is and assuming he sees no reason to change, then him not inviting you along is to be expected. However, when you stay with him and are intimate with him, then you communicate some level of acceptance concerning this behavior. Therefore, if he is not making any efforts to change, then you need to decide whether you will continue inviting this into your life. What is a relationship without trust and righteousness?

[Anonymous]

Initially agreeing to your presence and then retracting the invitation creates confusion and hurt. This change in plan can feel like a snub, especially since it’s his own birthday celebration.

if a partner consistently excludes you from significant life events or public outings, it may indicate they aren't fully integrated into the relationship or are hiding a part of their social life.

[Asker]

I have been to multiple work outings before in his defense, but yes i found it very confusing especially since it’s for his birthday and it is special, the main work things i’ve been to were with a different group of people at his work tho and these ones i’ve only met very briefly one time

[Rangers]

I'm sorry to break it to you, but your boyfriend is sleeping around strangers bedrooms, he didn't want you to come cause he knows you'd catch him.

He wants the perks of dating you with none of the commitment. Under the circumstances, if he has a set of keys to your place, I'd get new ones.

He'll try to emotionally manipulate you, saying "I can't believe you're so insecure", or even going as low as to point a finger at you.

Don't hear him out, don't stay another night, don't waste your breath saying he doesn't deserve you, just go. Burn the bridge and go

[MrChinaski]

On your update, why do you have 'boundaries' on your boyfriend's behaviour? How does making him less make you feel more? What happens if you decide whether to love him based on who he actually is, instead of the person you can squeeze into a mold? He's not your chattel.

These are fetters you are imposing on another and are nothing to do with 'holding your own boundaries'.

[Anonymous]

Ok so of he has a habit of doing things like that why are you even w him? Forget being sad about not going to his party, you have bigger issues to which you’re enabling. Like I tell my daughters about their jobs, stop whining about it unless you’re going to do something about it. There’s a reason why he chose to not invite you in the end. It seems crazy to me at this early of an age to be seeking couples counseling.

[BonzoInBitburg]

I don't want to go with my wife when she goes out with her former workmates and she doesn't want to go out with me and my colleagues. Work friends are different than regular friends. Work friends outings are for work friends only.

[slatyb]

No, it's not normal and it's not nice. If I were you I would be thinking WTFF? I wouldn't intrude on a girls night out, but if my wife were going to an activity with both women and men and I weren't invited I would be confused.

[jshm2]

Yes.

It's his work friends, not casual friends. Obviously if they are planning on a strip bar, then it's a different thing. But a "works night out" is not something to involve a girlfriend in too much.

[spartan55]

I think it's weird you want to go hang out and drink with your boyfriend's coworkers. Do you know any of them?

[beenherebefore]

If it’s work people is pretty normal for him not to include you. If you feel hurt about it tell him.

[Chloe432]

It seems weird that he would change plans on you and another girl would be invited

[love_conquers_lust]

Well, his excuse went out the window. Gonna have to ask him to clarify why he wants space from you. It could be benign and could not, have to ask.

[truthteller234]

because it is a WORK party?

you can go but I will guarantee everyone will just ignore you there.

you won't fit in and they would have no idea why you are there.

[Rangers]

Uhhhhh, cause she's his girlfriend and partners share their life experiences with eachother.

Please tell me you know what he's really doing, I gotta hear it from you. Cause I'm telling you, he's not being faithful

[truthteller234]

@Rangers

Listen man, I'm not interested in dating someone who wants to be invited to every single event or party I go to. Especially if it is a work event right after work. This girl is playing stalker and annoying the shit outta him cus she simply doesn't trust the man she is with. In my opinion, she should just break up with him. No relationship will last if there is no trust

[truthteller234]

@Rangers

I go out to grab drinks with coworkers a lot right after work. Especially if it's been a very long day. I don't need my boyfriend stalking me and asking to be invited to every single drink ai get at the bar. I need my own life. I don't need a chaperone everywhere I go.

[truthteller234]

In these work related events and groups. Everyone knows each other except nobody knows her. She's not gonna fit in. Nobody will care that she is there and nobody will care to talk to her. This is what you need to understand about wanting to go to work parties.

[Rangers]

I'd point out the laundry list of red flags you raised, but I'd rather say this: I will never stay with a woman who doesn't love or respect me.

So if she wants to invite everyone but me to a place people go to do 1 of 2 things, if she's not doing one, spending time with her man, she's doing the other.

Same here, if he's going to a bar and refusing to take her there, there's a grand total of 1 possible explanation, especially when combined with his constant disrespect and lack of warmth towards her.

That's it

[LiamS95]

I doubt you'd enjoy being with him and his horny work friends with them all getting drunk becoming vulger and making passes at you.

[jamesgoldman]

It seems normal if he's doing something else with you maybe

[noohair]

If you try to control him, it will not end well...

[DonaldDarko]

Sure, his life with you is private.

[Sam1133]

RED FLAG

[In_Trance]

Yeah