How do I cope with lifelong loneliness and never having a relationship?

[77five]

Im in my late 20s and long story short; never had a boyfriend or even dated. I never had friends. I never had a relationship with my family. Every social interaction goes horribly wrong whether i speak or not so i can't hold down a job. Still live at home.

Other women can just use a man as her backup plan for everything but I can't. Im not very sure what my market value is. The older i get, the worse it gets. But age aside, I don't know how attractive I am? I've only gotten hit on a few times in my life and they never wanted anything with me other than to just flirt, but then it crashes and burns when i try to be real with them. “Talking stages” never end on a good note for me.

Online dating? Demoralizing. Zero matches. And the few likes i get are from men outside of my preferences or 100+ miles away. It doesn't hep that my type is very unlikely to be attracted to me but damn…. I feel like i had better luck before even if it only resulted in surface level flirting.

Im so incredibly lonely and people always say “just do this, just do that”…. If it worked i would have had an amazziinnnnggg life already. I tried everything. I've been every size and fitness level. My hair has changed, etc. I genuinely dont feel like im THAT ugly to have been single my entire life but maybe i am? I have one thing that automatically puts me at the very bottom of desirability but still?….

And its not like im rejecting guys i dont want, i just dont get any guys into me at all. And my type isn't even super hot. I don like tall or shredded guys, for starters…. And I dont like rich guys either.


I've suffered with depression and self harm, and suicidal ideation for almost 2 decades now. I don't know how mucch longer i can go like this. Having a boyfriend would help SO much but i can't even get that. What do i do? Im SO miserable

[HollyK21]

I’m not sure how receptive you’ll be to my feedback but let’s give it a shot.


Im so incredibly lonely and people always say “just do this, just do that”…. If it worked i would have had an amazziinnnnggg life already. I tried everything. I've been every size and fitness level. My hair has changed, etc. I genuinely dont feel like im THAT ugly to have been single my entire life but maybe i am? I have one thing that automatically puts me at the very bottom of desirability but still?…. “



This statement made me reluctant to comment, mainly because it’s like you’re pre-shutting down any of the most logical pieces of advice anyone could offer. You’re essentially saying you’ve already tried every possible avenue of betterment that didn’t involve a man and nothing worked, which leads me to my next point:


“I've suffered with depression and self harm, and suicidal ideation for almost 2 decades now. I don't know how mucch longer i can go like this. Having a boyfriend would help SO much but i can't even get that. What do i do? Im SO miserable”



A man is not the answer to the problems you’ve been unable to personally fix for the past two decades. For one, that’s a tough assertion to make when you’ve not been in a relationship before in order to determine whether or not your life would be exceptionally better in one. On top of that, why would you want to make someone else responsible for your self improvement? Based off how much you’ve come to center men in your life, along with your lack of self preservation (like still yearning for the guy who only wanted casual sex), I’d imagine you’d be pretty codependent. You’d come to rely on that specific man to make you whole, rather than you just coming to the table already put together. That’s a lot of power to give someone, and a lot of baggage for them to have to deal with.


All this to say, maybe men shouldn’t be the priority right now. I get that you’re lonely, I recognize that you’re getting older and with the state of your mental health finding a partner feels detrimental. But in my opinion this is just a sign that you need to get a handle on your health before bringing in someone else and making them the focus. I don’t think you can afford to even risk being put through any sort of pain or disappoint, since your self esteem already suffers.

[77five]

Its hard for people to believe but i really HAVE tried everything. Im almost 30. Im tried things i didn't wanna do, risky things, embarassing things, etc.

But id just like to know what there is for me realistically. How can i find some sort of happiness or contentness in my life never having experienced the core things that like 99.9999% of people experience?

[HollyK21]

I’d say one of the most realistic things to do is reminding yourself that we don’t have a crystal ball, so just because things seem bleak right now doesn’t mean they’ll always be that way. I may not get exactly where you’re coming from, mainly because we are having our own individual experiences. However, I think I understand the gist of it.

I was mainly single (meaning I did try dating but no official relationship) until I turned 30 and met the man I’m now engaged to. Up until then it sounds like my experience was fairly similar to yours, feeing as though I was missing out on core experiences like relationships, marriage, babies. When I was around 29, and burnt out on trying to find a partner, I realized that milestones such as those were meant to be an extension of an already fulfilling life. We can’t control not only when we will find a man, but if that connection will ultimately be successful. So until then, I’d say get a handle on what you can control, which is your own personal betterment.

I struggled a lot while single, especially during covid when I felt the most lonely and depressed, that’s when I sought a relationship the most before ultimately washing my hands of the effort. We have to be the main priority — YOU have to be, not a man. And I think that when your efforts are continuous yet ultimately resulting in nothing then maybe that’s your cue to take your step back from those efforts and redirect them elsewhere, such as trying to find things that give you purpose. Like in life, do you feel accomplished? Do you feel like every other area of your life is successful and you’re just missing a man to share it with? If not, then work on it, because ultimately when you find the right guy, you wanna be ready. That means being able to bring the best version of yourself to the table, not the version that’s struggling with pretty serious mental health issues and would rely on him very specifically to help her overcome. Again, that’s a lot of pressure.

[ChiTown33]

@HollyK21 is spot on with her advice. Self worth comes from within. Some guy cannot give that to you. The world is designed to always make a person feel not enough. Yes, there are a lot of people in relationships and happy. But there are a lot of people in relationships and not happy. Imagine that for a second. Being in a relationship and still feeling alone. Being single is not a fatal condition and sounds like where you need to be (at least for the time being). There are A LOT of people who do not have their first relationship till their 30's. Your situation is not weird.👍

[HollyK21]

@ChiTown33 that’s some solid advice👏 I’m guessing she’s chosen to disengage from this conversation, but as long as she’s reading our feedback, I hope some part of it will resonate. Finding a man should be the lowest thing on her priority list when considering what she’s currently trying to overcome. Nobody else can make her happy until she has the tools to accomplish that on her own, and like you said, not everyone in relationships are happy in the first place.

[ChiTown33]

Agreed. That's why i said "the world". I could've just as easily said social media. Because i'm assuming she spends a fair amount of time on it. And that's why so many people get depressed today. Because they get a very skewed view of the world. It potrays everyones life as one big party where everyone is enjoying themselves and is loved. And YOU are missing out!

She needs to start with positive thoughts. Look around at her friends and family. It's not a coinicidence they care about her. Because she's a worthwhile person. Talk to them. They are the best people to get feedback from. We as humans give far too much power to perfect strangers that do not know us at all and are not qualified to judge us. And far too little to the people who love us and know us the best.

[77five]

@ChiTown33 Your replies is exactly why i say what i say. People just DONT or can't comprehend some people having NO ONE. “Look around at her friends and family”….. did i not make it clear i dont have that? Are you guys serious?….

This is just so damn draining. I could talk til im blue in the face still, no one will listen. Stop looking at this from YOUR life’s perspective. I DONT have anyone who cares about me. I dont have any in my life.

[77five]

@HollyK21 I don't know why you thinl finding a man is my only priority or that its been my priority my whole life. I didn’t start feeling ready to date til my mod 20s, but still, i never had any guys interested in me anyway. I made a boyfriend the topic of this post because friends aren't in the cards for me at my age. A career is impossible. A boyfriend out of all the things i dont have in my life seems to be the easiest one to achieve or the one im want most right now. Its all encompassing in my opinion. A relationship would fill the void of no friends and my job/financial issues. I had focused on myself my whole life and has high self esteem until i started to try to date. And i do not want a my first relationship in my 30s+. Its not the same as being young and in love. Everything is so much more serious. And no man’s dream girl is 35 or 40 or 50z They just get with what they can at that point. I dont want to be with a man if im not what he pictures as his dream girl. Older relationships are just so…. It lacks the “whimsy” younger relationships have

[HollyK21]

Despite Chitown being incorrect, I’m sure you recognize that he was to be helpful, coming from a place of sincerity, and was able to give you advice that in my opinion, addressed the rest of your overall issue. I think the problem is that you aren’t in a place to receive this sort of feedback because as I said before, you rule out any other possible suggestion someone can make, because you feel as though you’ve done absolutely everything.

At 27, you are going to be 30 in less like 2 years, so that ship of chasing this “young love” has unfortunately sailed. I’d have applied that to anywhere before like 24. I’m sure that at your age, even begrudgingly you must realize that we do not get 100% control over what happens in our futures, or when you will find love, which means you may not find this blissful, marriage material sort of life where you’re his dreamgirl, you’re taken care of and that’s that. And yes, I make mention of being taken care of since you said a career is impossible.

To be clear, I never said that finding a man was your only priority. I said that you should redirect your focus to your own personal betterment. You specifically stated that it’s what you want the most right now, not me. In any case, our feedback is solely based off our interpretations of your situation and it’s no coincidence that we are trying to tell you the same thing. In any case, I’d rather not argue as if this is some sort of personal attack and you’re highly offended or something. You are more than welcome to just leave this conversation alone and hopefully someone else comes along with feedback that aligns more with what you’re looking for.

[HollyK21]

And when I say Chitown was incorrect, I’m only making reference to his mention of friends and family. He said a lot more than just that thing and I found it very insightful. If you don’t think so asker then I don't know what to tell ya.

[Nikki1989]

You cope by fixing the situation. Life is what you make of it. Time to make some changes if it is not working for you.

[jahaims]

You aren't emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. A boyfriend doesn't magically fix all of your problems. Go to therapy

[HollyK21]

Another person essentially saying what Chitown and myself said. Asker, it’s no coincidence that we are all trying to tell you the same thing. Please try being receptive.

[77five]

Been in therapy for years. I never said a boyfriend would fix my issues. One of my issues is that i dont have a boyfriend. I just want one

[MasterKS]

That is why casual sex and freedom is trending lifestyle.

[77five]

What do i do when the only guy I’ve had sex with won't even answer my texts?… and he barely wants to have sex with me ever cuz he's not attracted to me

[MasterKS]

@77five There are unlimited dicks, no worries.

[77five]

Nvm you have no emotional intelligence

[MasterKS]

@77five emotional intelligence returns zero!