22, never had a boyfriend after trauma and healing—how do I start now?

[Anonymous]

I’m happy for my friends, but it’s hard being the only one with nothing to say when relationships come up.

I know my circumstances have been very different. My father abused me throughout childhood, and when I was 18 he was arrested for burning my mum, only to be released the next day. My brothers still have contact with him, but none have ever really acknowledged what happened, which left me feeling very abandoned.

I experienced the trauma of my brother being falsely accused of murder at 16, harassment/stalking by two guys, bullying about my appearance, and years of feeling rejected and misunderstood before my ADHD diagnosis.

Unsurprisingly, this affected my relationships. At 18–20 I dated on and off, but was ghosted and became intensely attached to unavailable people, putting huge effort into people who didn’t care about me. Eventually I swung the other way and started shutting everyone out. I’ve also been celibate for three years and have struggled with vaginismus, so intimacy makes me very anxious.

I’ve built a life: great friends, university, work, solo travel, therapy, and now my dream international graduate scheme. I’m moving abroad alone and starting a completely new chapter.

For years I told myself I wasn’t “healed” enough for a relationship, partly because I knew I wanted to move abroad. I’ve finally accepted I’ll never be completely healed, and I don’t want trauma to keep postponing my love life.

At the same time, I’ve never wanted to settle just to say I have someone. I’ve watched friends stay in toxic or unfulfilling relationships, I’m glad I’ve avoided that. But sometimes it’s frustrating watching people get into relationships effortlessly while I’ve spent years working on myself.

Now I’m moving to an island where dating apps aren’t really a thing. I’m outgoing, but I don’t know how to meet men who’d genuinely be interested in me. My standards are also higher now, which makes me worry I’ll struggle even more.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don’t think you’re behind at all 😏 After everything you’ve been through, it makes sense that relationships became something you had to approach carefully.

You’ve already done something really important.. you built a life that doesn’t depend on having a boyfriend. Now you can let someone into that life instead of looking for someone to complete it.

And having higher standards isn’t necessarily a problem. Just make sure they’re standards for how someone treats you, not a wall that nobody can get through.

You’re moving somewhere new, so don’t put pressure on yourself to find “the one.” Meet people, make friends, flirt a little, and let things develop naturally. You might actually be surprised by who you meet. ❤️

[Asker]

Thank you very much! :)

[TonyMetal___1986]

Sorry for the life that you had, but may i ask you about why your standards are higher now? Like what are your standards?

[TonyMetal___1986]

@Agape93 , what do you think? 🤔

[Asker]

Thank you. Nothing stupid like expecting people to be millionaires. When I was younger I had really specific standards, but it was just avoidance really. I value people that reciprocate (I used to always obsess over people that didn't care and so now this is my biggest non-negotiable). Kind, family-oriented, good-humoured, emotionally intelligent, driven

[TonyMetal___1986]

These aren't high standards 😄 these are the right traits to be found in a man so that a girl would happily marry him, you're just asking for the right thing...

[Agape93]

Hon, dm me. Just add me

[Anonymous]

You are young. It could be worse. Give it some time.

[jahaims]

Try therapy