My boyfriend was texting another girl inappropriate messages...

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been together about 3 years and lived together for one year. Things have been pretty great, or so I thought, until a girl messaged me on Facebook and sent me her and his conversation. They used to mess around along time ago and he was texting her asking if they were going to have sex again and things like that. She got mad because everyone knows we're together and sent it to me. Well when we talked, he was apologetic and crying for forgiveness and doesn't blame me if I want to end our relationship. We started talking more about our relationship and he announced to me that he feels lonely and unwanted a lot and so I'm thinkinghe was texting her for attention. It doesn't make it right but should I give him another chance? We have many future plans together and now I'm so confused and scared that if I give him another chance it may just happen again? Can I get a guys opinion on why he would do that? he tells me he is in love with me and begs for us to still work things out so it doesn't seem like he wants out. advice please :'(

Updates

+1 y

might I add she lives 2 hours away from us and me and him pretty much always know each others whereabouts and I don't know when he would have had time drive down there :/

[justrandomlymadethis]

Hmmm. I personally would never take a cheater back. Even if he turns from his ways, he will always have this temptation to cheat on a higher level than most people, because he has already cheated emotionally in the past and almost to the point of physicality if you wouldn't have found out sooner.

I am speaking from personal experience, that you should not lower your standards and take him back unless he is willing to allow a period where he needs to gain your trust back, like delete and block that girls number, or delete girls he has written to about sexual things from Facebook, I think that is necessary. My past ex before my current amazing boyfriend, was very sketchy in that I'd catch him on that "close friends" fb thing and see him liking pictures of skanky clothed women, it hurt my feelings, but whenever I'd address it he'd act like it wasn't a big deal. Then, eventually I found out he and his ex were messaging while he was with me. She lived far away, but it still hurt me bad. Emotional cheating is just as bad. I went back to him a few times, and he didn't deserve me going back not even once. Don't go back unless he is willing to make huge steps to change and prove himself to you!

[katkaintkwit]

I would say if he feels unwanted then you should try to fix that. but that's still isn't an excuse. he should have told you that at first instead of seeking attention from another girl. give him another chance since it was kinda your fault. no offense

[justrandomlymadethis]

It wasn't her fault. Even if it was, he should have communicated it with her or broken up with her, not cheated. It's common decency. Cheating is a selfish action. No excuses, and the one being cheated on is never to blame for cheating, maybe for disappointment and hurt, but not for the act of being cheated on.

[katkaintkwit]

I wasn't excusing his actions. I acknowledged his wrong doing. I'm gonna acknowledge hers too.

[why-makoto-kun]

Sorry, I would dump him. That was a form of cheating. If he really was mature enough to try and make things better with you, he would have talked to you about feeling neglected first. Cheating is a choice; nothing "drives" someone to do it.

[Confucius16]

I think cheating can be accidental sometimes. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, it is too late. I have a different opinion. I think forgiveness works here because he seems to be really repentant. Of course, QA needs to have the perception to be able to know what a person is really like.

[why-makoto-kun]

Guys can cry all they want, but in my experience many are either sorry they got caught, or use the tears for manipulation. I know this from the various times guys hurt or took advantage of me and cried to ME for comfort and forgiveness, only to do it again, not apologizing until I point out what they did. Or not at all, but crying because they lost me. I feel like thoughts of being with someone else are a slippery slope, but sexual messages are indeed a choice. I couldn't look at him the same.

[why-makoto-kun]

I think that if you respect, not necessarily love someone, in a relationship, they won't cross the line like this. I would demand respect in a relationship. You can stay with him if you want, QA, but I would recommend taking at least a few days to a week of a break, staying somewhere else and talking to family/friends that have your best interests, etc. You don't owe this guy anything.

[Confucius16]

I think trust is important. I think a second chance is alright. If it is just this time, I think it is okay for her to forgive him. Using perception, I really think that he means it. Of course, it is very difficult for me to tell if I don't see a person myself. If he makes the mistake again, then that would be a different story.

[why-makoto-kun]

If I wasted 3 years of my life with someone, washing his socks, keeping the apartment neat for him, etc. and he pulled this? I'd be done. It really sounded like he was planning to have sex with the other girl. That is not ok.

[Confucius16]

Even if there is respect, accidents can happen. I know a couple that are very good people, yet when the guy made a mistake, his wife forgave him. They still live happily to this day and are respected members of the community.

[why-makoto-kun]

I guess. It depends on how QA feels. I know my feelings would be so diminished that it would be easy for me to leave. An unfaithful, sneaky guy is a huge turnoff. In this day and age, women don't need a man to provide for them, so there's no point in staying with someone who causes more pain than pleasure.

[why-makoto-kun]

QA, if you wish to take anything away from my cynical-sounding advice, it would be to read Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. It's neutral and helps you weigh the pros/cons of your relationship for yourself. Best of luck to you. I hope that things get better, no matter which path you choose.

[Confucius16]

Yes. I think we could leave the QA to choose. I really believe in forgiveness, so I know that may sound strange, but I really do believe in it. Of course, I would also use my perception.

[Asker]

u say to possibly take a break and have him stay somewhere else which is what I wanted to do but he has no family here. and all his friends have moved away so he only has a couple friends that don't have staying arrangements for him. he's been wanting to move back home for a while now (with me) so I suggested he leave now by himself because we broke up and living with him will be hard, but he still wants to live here and work things out and he doesn't want to move at all anymore

[Confucius16]

You broke up? I feel bad for you guys. However, if that is your choice, then that is up to you. I come from a traditional place, so relationships are not okay at young ages, and things like divorce and breaking up are really terrible to me. Maybe if he redeems himself, you will get back together (in time)?

[Asker]

yes we're working things out and we are still living together so technically its not much of a break up. but we both still want to be with each other and make things work so

i just have to learn to not be controlling since its hard to trust him right now. :(

[why-makoto-kun]

Just take it slow; you can't rebuild trust overnight. Expecting him to hold his side of the agreement (without nagging) is not controlling. Best of luck, QA, and thanks for hearing me out (my opinions on here usually aren't popular haha). :)

[Confucius16]

Forgive him. I know if I was in his place, I would be ashamed. If he is crying and is understanding enough to give you permission to end the relationship, then you probably have a good boyfriend there. In this case, I don't think he is saying that you should be the one to end the relationship. He is just being honest. Just give him another chance.

Although it doesn't make it right that he texted her for attention, at least now you know how he feels. Both of you can work together to improve so that this doesn't happen again. A good girlfriend (or boyfriend) is a forgiving girlfriend. It seems that he has good intentions, and he really is sorry, so you can forgive him. He will feel better and grateful if you forgive him. Besides, the person he texted already told you, so you have nothing to worry about anymore.

No matter the reason, you need to have good perception. With good perception you can look at body language and expressions, and you can actually see the intent behind a person's words. This is really helpful because you can tell if someone is telling the truth. In this case, I think he is telling the truth. No person would cry if they didn't feel regret.

[why-makoto-kun]

See my comment below; sadly not everyone uses tears for good.

[Confucius16]

Yes, not everyone uses tears for good, but if I were in your (QA) place, I wouldn't say that just because not everyone uses tears for good, these are not tears for good. Again, it is very hard to tell just from reading one long paragraph. I would actually have to use my own perception in real life to be able to determine the truth.

I think you can forgive him this time. I think a second chance is good. As long as it doesn't become a third or fourth chance, then just a second chance is good.

[why-makoto-kun]

Given the time they were together, I wouldn't be surprised if he has slipped up in other ways and this was the last straw that made her question everything. I wouldn't tell a guy going through this to stay with the girl, but that's just me. It just infantilizes the cheaters when we say "it happened accidentally" IMO, and we reinforce the behavior by taking the blame off them and not giving consequences for their actions.

[Confucius16]

Psychology, right? Unpunished behaviors will lead to more of that behavior? I see what you're getting at. But I wish there was more forgiveness (but not to the point of obliviousness) in this world. I know what it is like to not be forgiven (regarding something else, not relationships), so I would want there to be more of what I got less of.

In this case, she isn't reinforcing the behavior if she forgives him just this once and, if he does it again, then maybe they can't be together.

[why-makoto-kun]

It is behaviorism, which makes me sound kind of like a reductionist, but I feel that entitlement and narcissism (which are characteristics that lead to cheating) can only be "corrected" with those things in social settings, or at least a deterrent to minimize damage to others. Talking about feelings and things on a higher level will likely be tuned out because they are thinking of what's in it for them.

[Confucius16]

All I know is that if it was me, I would forgive. Even if I was used, I would forgive. I will still be a good person even if other people aren't. This world will become better if people don't hold regret. I would have felt better if I was forgiven before (for something else, nothing to do with relationships).

[why-makoto-kun]

I believe in forgiveness, but not necessarily reconciliation. If someone wrongs me, of course they will likely be forgiven in time, but it doesn't mean I need to spend time with them anymore.

[Confucius16]

Exactly. Forgiveness does not mean you need to be around each other. However, I think we're confusing the QA with our debate. So I don't know about you, makoto-kun, but if I were her, I would forgive and still be together. After all, the "cheating" is over now. I think they can still be together and, if he does cheat again, then the relationship will be over.

[Confucius16]

Thanks for the best answer:)

[Asker]

thank you for your advice. I am possibly thinking of giving him another chance because I truly believe he hasn't done anything bad while we lived together. and our relationship was having untalked about problems so that is why I wanted a guys perspective on if guys do things like that if they are feeling lonely? if you read my comment below I explained that he has no family or friends here either. I'm his only person and I think that may have also made him feel alone.

[Confucius16]

I know what it feels like to be lonely. Nobody would want that. Forgiveness isn't overrated. Of course, in this case, I think it is okay. Of course, there are other people that beg for forgiveness that don't actually change. That is what why-makoto-kun was talking about.

[ElleVer]

you sound like a person who may have cheated

[madhatters4]

Don't assume just because she lives 2hrs away that he can't cheat. Just say you're gone for a day or two OR they meet somewhere halfway... distance and convenience may help curb cheating but it's not going to stop it

forgive him if you want. it's totally up to you. I think you need to figure out two things. Do you honestly trust him? And are there other people he's been doing this with?

For me I'd forgive him because it was only messaging and nothing physical, and while it is still cheating it is less egregious than physically cheating... but I'd just explain to him that he hurt you and he needs to regain your trust. If he ever does it again then you two are over. You need to explain that if he is feeling something he needs to talk to you because that is what being in a relationship is about. It's not always going to be perfect but it's no excuse to do low character things, especially to someone you love

[Anonymous]

You feel for that line of crap? If he cared for you or loved you he would not be texting another girl, especially not texting her AND asking when they could bump nasties again. Have some respect for yourself and kick his ass to the curb. If he was lonely and wanting attention, there are better and not so damaging ways to get it.

If you stay with him, that is on you. Let me ask you though, do you think it will change? Here I how to find out, have someone set him up on a 'NSA' and see if he shows, tell him to rent a hotel room and text you the name and number. Have your friend tie him up (bondage) and then walk out the door leaving you there to walk in and ask for an explanation. Whips, paddles and butt plugs will help him answer you. If you still do not like the answer get him to the edge, walk out and leave him there naked and tied up - humiliated. Me, I would call his mom (or have someone) and tell them where to find him!

[why-makoto-kun]

Amen to the first paragraph. Only the first one. The second is too extreme IMO, but I appreciate your sentiment.

[Opinion Owner]

I learned how to be a d*** from my family. Except for me, it was all females. Talk about a woman scorned...not by me, I tell you that much.

[why-makoto-kun]

Good for you. :) I wish more guys didn't cheat simply because they can get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Where would he get the time, figuring two hours each way two hours for adult fun - I have to account for between 6 and 8 hours. Okay. Do you or he work full time. I tell you I am going to work/school and instead hit the road. Maybe she drive half way or more. Friday night out with the guys. Where there is a will there is a way. Offer me sex and if I had been with you and liked sex with you, I would spend hours/days reworking my schedule to 'fit' her in.

Leave work 'sick' a couple hours early, meet halfway, split the hotel find a quiet spot in the woods - where ever - come home, damn that traffic was bad tonight.

[vivianahernandez88]

In my opinion you two have been together for 3 years. You don't have proof of him actually going to have sex with her. I think he just wanted attention. I would forgive him. Give him a second chance. If he ruins that. Than that's when you should REALY think about leaving him.

[Anonymous]

When you guys were not living together, how often were you having sex?

Now that you have been living together 12 months, how often are you having sex?

There is a reason the guy was feeling alone and neglected, and why he went outside of the relationship to get something.

[madhatters4]

that bull. so instead of manning up and talking to your girlfriend you take a cowardly way out and start being unfaithful? There is no valid excuse for being disloyal aside from just being a crummy person

[JPresidente]

I'd give him one more chance and that's it. I suspect he'll stop for a while but then revisit things again in the future because he can't control himself. But everyone deserves at least one chance after a mistake.

[Bogachova]

And you're wasting your time to write this here? Go talk to him and dump his ass

[Anonymous]

Having somewhat of the same issue he texted innapropriately nothinv happened i still feel like its cheating he is destroyed. Wants to work on it i know we were going though a rough patch. I also still thing he is my one. He would do anything for me and thats putting it lightly. I will be very hard for me to get past this but i still believe in all our plans and future together. He wants that too. I could do better too i admit that i was distant he just should have talked to me.

[AmericanSweetiePie]

He should have come to you if he was lonely. That's an excuse for his lack of integrity. If he really is committed to you, you would be the first and only woman he would seek attention from when he was lonely.

[Anonymous]

he would have gone down there. trust.