My ex says he's not ready to see me yet...why?

[Anonymous]

Hi. My boyfriend of over 1 year broke up with me cause he wants to "focus on himself." He tells me he wants to be friends and that he still loves and cares for me a lot. He says there's not another girl nor is he interested in another girl. He tells me I'm the only person he wants to be with BUT he doesn't want to worry about a relationship.

I want to hang out with him but he tells me its too soon to see each other and he wants to wait til its more comfortable to be around each other (broke up last wk). I really want to see him and feel like he doesn't want to see me or is pushing me away, even though he says he wants to hang out and have fun with me still .

[proconfused]

Well, there's the practical and the emotional going on here. When It comes down to it, the why's don't really matter. You have to stop worrying about the whys right now, because unfortunately, you're not going to get an answer that matters =(

Emotional first: You hurt, and the person that you want most to take that hurt away right now won't see you, which hurts more. That's ok, it's perfectly normal to feel that way, and it happens with almost every breakup. But throwing yourself against that wall over and over trying to get him to see you and making him reject you over and over is just going to make you hurt more. Trust me. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. You are not in an emotional state where you can be friends with him right now, even if that was *all* you ultimately wanted. The fact that you still want him makes it doubly hard.

The practical: He has stated that he wants to focus on himself right now. 90% of the time, the more you push him to reverse this decision, the more he is going to pull away from you and resent you. Especially right now, when he knows you're in a pretty emotional state.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to limit your contact with him for now. Not just physical contact, but phone calls and emails. I know it seems tough but it will help you heal. It has the added benefit of giving him the space he's asked for right now. Right now, nothing will help you get to the point where you can actually be friends/get over him/work things out in the future than space and time.

[mike1926]

You know, he may very well still have very deep feelings for you and doesn't want to hurt you, it could be why he is pushing you away. I know its hard to realize sometimes but some people just need time to find themselves first. If he's really having problems with something in his life then this is even more true because a relationship can really add stress sometimes, even though its supposed to be a positive thing you know. Maybe he doesn't feel that he has time to focus on himself, there could be a lot of reasons. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing you never know, especially if you two reconnect. He'll come back to you a better person and really ready for a serious committed relationship.