I'm 19, a college sophomore and I've never had a girlfriend. What's the point anymore?

[confused19]

I'm 19, a college sophomore and I've never had a girlfriend before and I've never had a real kiss (real in the sense that it wasn't a friendly one, and by a girl that I like). growing up I was never the one to hang out with other guys that had girlfriends. I just didn't care much about that relationship drama stuff when I was in middle school/part of high school. but that didn't mean I never had crushes. I guess I never really learned how to talk to girls or just be that kind of guy they would want to date. I've always been looked at as the friend, and nothing more. all of the times I've tried to pursue my feelings for a girl have all been met with failure, and disappointment. I feel like I don't even identify sometimes with other males. I hate admitting when people ask how many girlfriends have I had, or when was your first kiss or any of that kind of crap. it just makes me feel more inadequate, and lowers my self esteem. I'll lie to them just to not make myself look lame. I just feel at this point I missed all the trial and error instances with relationships. now that I'm getting older, things get more "serious" with relationships, and I don't even know the basic things. but since no girl I've ever liked has liked me back, I don't see the point in continuing to pursue something I was never good at. people, including my parents just say "oh it'll happen eventually" which I think is complete bullcrap. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't necessarily want to give up, but I don't want to keep getting hurt every single time I attempt to put myself out there.

[Quadrophonic84]

Hey man. I went through some similar stuff. I went to all boys high school and by the time I was almost ready to graduate and go to college, co-ed obviously, I was so worried I was going to be a maladjusted freak.

It's probably not comfort, but some people do just take longer to develop. If you've been a good friend to women then you've probably learned a lot about how they think and act which will be invaluable when it does finally happen for you (I agree with your parents).

As for the way you approach girls, it all starts with your attitude towards yourself. You have to give them the impression that you're 100% OK without them and that you do what you want when you want otherwise they won't likely be attracted to you, especially ones that don't know you already. Your best bet is to just approach them and start talking about any random thing besides asking them out or for their number. If you are casual and manage to make them laugh or smile, they'll instantly like you more. If you act serious and hurt, they will think you're pathetic and not want to date you. I know that sounds harsh but I had to learn it the hard way.

Let me know if you have any more questions. It gets better.

[confused19]

trust me, I have many friends that are girls and I learn lol. I don't know I just don't have that kind of "approach" mentality. I can't just go up and talk to girls. I can usually do well if it's like a group setting or something, or they talk to me. I just don't have that kind of flare that makes girls wanna continue to talk to me about anything other than friendly things. I don't know why.

[Quadrophonic84]

The only thing stopping you from doing it is you. You have to just tell yourself that it's scary but tough sh*t. All guys are worried about rejection and looking stupid. Some are just really good at hiding it. Your best bet is talking about something you two might have in common if it's someone at school because that's going to get her thinking in terms of you both which works in your favor. It's hard at first but it gets easier and better as good things happen from time to time.

[confused19]

lol I'm weird man. it's not that I don't know what to say, it's just getting the balls to say it. I can't tell you how much my mentality is just "theyd never be interested in me in a million years" I just don't see myself in a very handsomeish light. but I don't think I'm completely ugly. I'm just kind of a whatever person. I know I'm not making much sense and using a lot of excuses, it's just that I don't really get this whole flirting/attraction thing.

[Quadrophonic84]

..and that's the real problem. You are trying to make sense of it. I understand that. I'm a guy and I appreciate logic too. There is none whatsoever involved in this. It's like a Zen thing. When you see a girl you want to talk to, just do it and don't think about it. You ever see those guys that wear really stupid hats or loud purple shirts? They always get girls. You know why? Because they are WEARING their conversation starter. You are making it harder than it needs to be. Just do it.

[confused19]

i see what you mean. I would never wear that kind of sh*t though lol. I don't like attention, id rather just keep to myself most of the time. but I am willing to be open if the situation calls for it. I don't think I can just walk up to a random girl and start talking. it's just weird to me. I think I have to work my way up. get comfortable first. I'm just really really scared man lol

[Quadrophonic84]

We are all scared. I have had plenty of lady experience and it still scares the sh*t out of me to approach a new woman. Rejection SUCKS. You know what sucks harder? Being along and not even trying to do something about it. Go slow if you need to, but always be pushing forward. What happens to animals in nature that don't go out and look for food and get sh*t done every day? They die. It's the same thing with humans and their social lives.

[confused19]

very very very true. I really just need to find the motivation and confidence to go through with all of this

[Reggie1]

Nothing worthwhile has ever been easy. Certainly, you risk losing face and being down for a while if you open yourself up to someone and admit you may have feelings for her, but wouldn't you rather keep trying and succeed than guarantee yourself a failure by never trying?

Everyone gets shot down on occasion, and some take it as a learning experience. I have to admit to being reluctant to put myself out there because of similar feelings in the past, but why be alone through fear of rejection? That's like carrying a handgun through fear of being attacked - they can both blow up in your face.

[LotsoSmiles]

YOU sir need to love yourself before you can care for someone else. Think about it, if you're down on yourself and don't like your self, who do you think will like you if you don't like yourself! Whew haha.

Really analyze the way you flirt, have other chick friends watch you flirt, sometimes basic flirting can establish if you'll be Romeo or Hannibal. Girls get a makeover when they want to bring their attraction to another level, do the same (no homo)! Go get a fresh haircut, some new clothes, check out some new cologne, whiten your teeth (eww, but worth it) and (if you're feeling really up to it) get a facial! I read online that people will see your hair first, skin second, eyes third, and smile last; then judge you based on those. I know cruel world... There is a difference between enhancing your natural features and being fake. Don't become a guy from Jersey Shore.

The right girl is out there! Good luck! :)

[confused19]

it's not like I don't love myself and I'm completely unconfident. although confidence is something I do need to improve on, I just don't see the point when I try it always ends up bad. lol I like the makeover suggestion but I keep myself taken care of. I don't go all out on style, I would say I dress normally, whatever that means lol, and I try to look my best every day. I just wish I had that same kind of spark that some guys have when girls look at them. you know, the "oh my god he's cute" face.

[Gerri]

You need to pursue more now that you're getting older, and just have fun with the game of love. You're going to have ups and down no matter what. Everyone has to risk their emotions, you can't live life and not actually live it..take a risk and go for whichever girl you'd like, and risk, gamble like its a fakking poker match!

Your past DOES NOT MATTER nor does your inexperience.

we all have to learn.

[kiss_me_Kate]

Work on yourself and stop worrying about it. You'll create the person you want to be and likewise attract who you want to attract. Many people dont' start dating till later on in life. What worked for me was aking the subject off my mind and jsut allowing myself to live and explore.

[confused19]

i understand that people don't start dating until later. trust me, you have no idea how much I just wanna leave the subject alone lol. but I'm tired of NOT trying to pursue it, and at the same time I am tired of getting screwed over every single time. if I do nothing, nothing will happen. but if I do something, it won't turn out like I hoped ever.

[beastman88]

i think you shouldn't be so down on yourself, girls can detect these things, nobody wants to be part of a pity party. you say you try and put yourself out there but do you really? there's a certain point with girls where theyll just want to be friends with you once your past that point there's no going back. you gotta take the bull by the horns so to speak, be a mans man, a manly man girls love this. girls love mystery and edginess, and the fact that you haven't been with anyone may turn the girl on towards you, and shell think your more special to her. do you have a job? I usually make new aquaintances and friends when iam working its so easy

[confused19]

i don't let anyone know about my past, unless I trust them. so my disposition isn't pity/self wallowing/depressed. it's a rare feat if I ever talk to a girl first. and I think it's rare if a girl ever wants to approach or wants me to approach them in the first place lol. I just think I'm socially awkward, but I don't try to be. nah I don't have one at the moment here. back home I do though

[beastman88]

i think you have these pre conceived notions of yourself that don't help you at all, and you just set yourself up for failure, because you don't open up, and you don't think girls want you to approach them so naturally it doesn't work for you try something else

[confused19]

it's just hard sometimes man. I want to do it, but I don't see the point

[beastman88]

well you don't see the point because you have never had a girlfriend before, its awesome man give it a go. relationships are worth it, as long as you learn something from them if they don't work, "better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all" plus you have to find what you love about yourself to portray to women, to start a long lasting relationship

[sweet_18]

Dude I'm in the same boat. I've never kissed a guy that I actually LIKED.

But I just keep waiting. People tell me that love finds YOU, so I guess I'll take their word for it and just be patient. I really wish I could have someone tho, to be there for me and to hold me and tell me how much they love being with me. :)

[confused19]

i think there's a fine line between patience and giving up, especially when doing nothing is implied in both. if you don't do anything, nothing will happen. when and if love find us, I hope it's not far off in the future lol

[Anonymous]

Dont worry about it! The right girl will come along with time. I didn't have my first boyfriend/kiss until I was 20 almost 21! That just means she will def be worth the wait! cheer up and focus on things you like to do...dont look for love, let it come to you! best wishes!

[confused19]

i have no doubt she will be special. I'm not one of those people who can instantly like someone. once I know in my heart they are good people and that I'm comfortable with them, that's when I know if I wanna be with that person. I've been wrong many times in the past unfortunately though...

[Opinion Owner]

I'm the same way! That's OK to be wrong..thats how we learn! Keep ya head up!

[confused19]

thank you!

[gummybear888]

what's the rush. sometimes need to chill. this is how mistakes happen if you want to rush into it. it's not all it's made to be and you have to figure out what you want. you're 19, you're still young.

[confused19]

it's not that there's a rush. it's just that some change in my life I feel is needed. and I feel that finding someone I care about and that cares about me is a good thing. I just havn't had any luck, that's why I'm kind of depressed. 19 is not young. considering how nothing has happened with my love life all these years, 19 more years doesn't sound to long off, and if I don't do anything about it, 19 more years of being alone is bound to happen

[ninthjewel]

Slow down young'n. I was 19 when I had my first kiss. It will happen.