My sister won’t accept my apology. Is she wrong?

[Anonymous]

I said something hurtful to my sister last year. My family had a get together today and I took her aside and took the time to apologize. She said that she accepts my apology, but I have a pattern of saying hurtful things to people when I’m upset and going back and forth with me is emotionally draining, so she prefers to keep things at a distance. I told her that I am trying to change and that I want to turn over a new leaf. I kept trying to convince her to accept my apology and told her that people are dying everyday and that she should be holding a grudge because that’s emotionally draining. She said that she isn’t holding a grudge and has forgiven me, but she’s done having this roller coaster of a relationship with me. I kept trying to get through to her unsuccessfully and eventually she said she was done with the conversation and she walked away despite that fact that I kept telling her to come back. I ran after her when she was trying to leave and I told our parents that I was trying to apologize and that she wouldn’t accept my apology.

Is she wrong?

Updates

+1 y

Just so we are clear, I know that she said that she accepts my apology/ forgives me, but she still wants to keep the distance. In my opinion, continuing to distance yourself is not forgiving someone and it is still holding on to a grudge.

Updates

+1 y

Also, no one in my family knows what she is talking about when she says “you have a pattern of saying hurtful things when you’re upset”.

Updates

+1 y

For those of you defending her and her snottiness:

-most of her friends and people in her social circle went to college
-she doesn’t want children because she she feels like motherhood isn’t for her and wants to focus on herself and her career (so she’s also selfish)
-she prefers to date men who are also established, financially stable, and around the same income and lifestyle as herself (because “financial/lifestyle compatibility can make or break a relationship”)
- buys expensive things

[slatyb]

She's not wrong. It sounds as if you have been wrong over and over again She's establishing a healthy boundary to avoid repeating the same pattern. Why do you feel you are entitled to your sister's time and attention when you have been repeatedly abusive? Get some help for whatever it is that causes you to be verbally abusive, and then maybe she will give you another chance.

[Asker]

I haven’t been repeatedly abusive. When she said that I have a pattern of saying hurtful things, no one in the family knew what she was talking about.

[slatyb]

What did you say that she found hurtful? Did she say?

[Asker]

Last year, after she bought a new house, she became distant. She missed dad’s birthday dinner, sent him a text wishing him a Happy Birthday (instead of calling him), and gave him his birthday gift three days after his birthday (instead of on the day of his birthday). She said that no one told her about his birthday dinner (which was true, but she should have called around to see what was going on) and she thought that our dad was upset because he disagreed with something that she did. I sent her a text message criticizing her for not doing enough to honor our dad’s birthday and told her that she is ashamed of our family, that she should be ashamed of herself, that she’s stuck up, thinks that she’s better than everyone, that she’s forgotten where she’s come from, and what goes up can always come down (in terms of her career and financial success).

[slatyb]

" I sent her a text message criticizing her for not doing enough to honor our dad’s birthday and told her that she is ashamed of our family, that she should be ashamed of herself, that she’s stuck up, thinks that she’s better than everyone, that she’s forgotten where she’s come from, and what goes up can always come down (in terms of her career and financial success). "

Sounds like there's plenty on both sides, but mostly it sounds like you are full of resentment. Whoever arranged the dinner should have told her when it was being held.

[Asker]

How am I full of resentment? How am I wrong?

[nevernevernever]

she didn't go to an event she wasn't told about or invited to and you sent her a horribly hateful text. I honestly think you have got to be purposefully trying to make yourself look like the worst AH you possibly could to create controversy, especially with your update. Every single thing you describe as "snotty" is just your sister making good life choices, or a natural and conceivable consequence of someone going to college and getting a good job, and I can't fathom someone legitimately thinking that those things make someone a bad or stuck up person.

[Asker]

My point is, she didn’t think enough of our dad to call or text anyone to see if the family had planned something for his birthday. To me, it is common courtesy and just being thoughtful.

You can make these good life choices and have all these things without looking down on those who don’t or forgetting where you came from.

My biggest issue is her wanting to date someone who makes the same amount of money as her and has a similar lifestyle. Why does a person’s income matter? What does his money have to do with her if she already has money? It’s shallow and you shouldn’t like someone for what they have. She could be missing out on great guys based on superficial things.

[nevernevernever]

why is it any of your business what guys she does or does not date? Wanting to date someone with a similar lifestyle isn't an extreme or prejudiced viewpoint, she might just want a stable future family. And if she's missing out on great guys that's her own problem, not yours, it sounds more like you're jealous and looking for justification to be nasty to her

[nevernevernever]

No, and you need to accept your sister's clear boundaries. She did not have to forgive you, she does not have to accept your apology, and she does not have to have a relationship with you.
you are making things worse, and if you ever want to be a part of your sister's life in a meaningful way you need to start respecting her and her boundaries and prove you've become a better person by leaving he be

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Nobody is ever obligated to accept an apology.

[Mynameisbobby]

But you said she did accept your apology.

[Asker]

But she said that she would like to keep things at a distance.

[Mynameisbobby]

Right so she accepted your apology and she doesn't want to deal with the rollercoster relationship that she has with you anymore.

[Asker]

What I’m asking for is forgiveness. Continuing to be guarded and distance when you said that you’re forgiven someone is not forgiving that person.

[lillianaustin]

yeah, that confused me as well @Mynameisbobby

[slatyb]

It’s her decision to limit interaction with you. You can decide that it’s all her fault and continue having failed relationships throughout your life or you can take some real responsibility and make a believable apology, then gradually show her better behavior as the opportunity arises.

[HiddeN_LeGacY]

What was you did her? :):)

[HiddeN_LeGacY]

What was you did to your sister? :):)

[Asker]

Basically that she thinks that she’s better than everyone and she’s forgotten where she’s came from and she should be ashamed of herself. And what comes up can always come down.

[HiddeN_LeGacY]

Not big a problem. She should accept your apology. I think your behave succesfuly 😊😊