Wife wants to give birth without any medical intervention. How much can I say without stepping over the line?

Question

She wants to have the baby at home and completely naturally. I understand it's her decision because she's the one doing it but think it's unsafe. How can I bring this up without seeming like I'm telling her what to do.

DermalPunch · Accepted Answer

After my first birth in hospital that ended un a C-section with at least 20 different medical staff dealing with me, I vowed to never again have a hospital birth. I will never forget my fury as two doctors were discussing a staff bbq over me before I was about to be cut open.

I am currently typing this with my two youngest (annoying the bejeebers out of me) that I birthed at home. Every single one of my kids had 9 apgars. Meaning bouncing healthy and happy. I also didn't cut their umbilical cords and let them fall off naturally.

I had my two home births in a city where the medical infrastructure is set up to seamlessly intercept a woman whose midwives have decided that she needs to receive hospital-level medical intervention.

After giving birth three times, I would say the psychological and emotional state of the woman is paramount. Her body knows what to do. Also, the midwives will guide her so she can optimize this natural ability.

My second home birth was particularly amazing. Surrounded by women and my family. My bedroom lit ambiently while I snacked on juice and granola after giving birth. Actually, I had just wrapped up my forst solo photography exhibition and one of the attending midwives had actually heard about it. Major ego boost after birthing a baby in under three hours. 💅

In the hospital you can't eat at all because they want you to be surgery ready. You are weak and in a foreign environment. I could hear the other couple arguing because the husband could handle it and she ordered him to leave. It wasn't at all helpful to hear women screaming right beside me as my contractions are getting going. It will be calmer for you too dad. The mad dash to the hospital and all the anxiety of packing and are there enough blankets and blah blah blah. Then your poor wife has to hobble home all sore and exhausted with a baby that's pissed because it's out of the womb then from room to room and place to place.

Midwives will be monitoring the baby only a minor step down from having your wife hooked up to an ECG machine. They are checking to see if they need to transfer care and they are trained to detect a problem.

It wasn't that long ago where everyone was born at home. In the Netherlands its somewhere between 40-60% of births are at home as we speak.

The hospital is going to have your wife on a clock because she is just bed being occupied. They treat a woman giving birth like a disaster waiting to happen.

My then husband had a lot of reservations like you did but after the first home birth he would advise all his friends to go along with their wives wish to have a home birth. She will breastfeed easier, will likely heal faster and it's just an amazing beautiful memory for the whole family.

My oldest was there cheering me on in the final pushing stages with my second. Then embarrassingly told my dad about seeing her little brother's head sticking out of my vagina.

Yes, she said vagina. 🙇‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I 💯 empathize with your worries and concerns. You should educate yourselves together instead of just worrying. There is tonnes and tonnes of info out there. Also, home births are much more sanitary and the baby is at way less risk of exposure to viruses and pathogens like the disease factory that a hospital is.

All in all, communication and education are the keys.

Wishing your wife a safe easy birth and bith of you a healthy and happy baby!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

To be clear, whether in a hospital or at home, there are no guarantees of a good/safe birth. Second, there is a vast difference between  telling her what to do  and  bringing up your concerns  about a natural at home birth. Assuming she wants to give birth with the aid of a midwife, first discuss your concerns with your wife about her and the babies safety. I can only guess she has some too, but not talking about them is not going to make them go away. Talk to her one on one, and then go with her to visit the midwife and discuss all of your issues and ask the midwife to walk you through everything that happens if there is a medical emergency, what's normal, what's not, let her tell you their process and just really find out more information. This may help change your mind, it may not. You can also look into birthing centers which may be more closely located to a hospital if you do not live close to one. You may not be able to convince her to change her mind, but what you can become is more knowledgeable of what to do if things go wrong and how you can help so you have the best outcome, which is a healthy baby and wife.

hahahmm · Accepted Answer

#1 She doesn't trust you (or respect you) enough to value your opinion here. See my mytakes on leadership & trust. That stuff can't be fixed on short notice. Should have been addressed before getting married.
#2. I'd try to get to understand her POV on why she thinks this is a good idea. Keeping in mind that she might give you 20 reasons but not the real reason. The fact you ask & listen may motivate her to re-think tho. If that fails...
#3. I'd start studying anatomy and how best to cut a woman open to get a baby out alive. I'd buy a big sharp hunting knife & explain to her that it's for when I find out I need to choose between saving her or the baby I'm cutting her up and getting the baby. And that unfortunately I'm not a surgeon so if I nick some of her vital organs it's understandable.

AviatorTom · Accepted Answer

You are mistaken that it is her decision alone. The baby she's carrying is both of yours, and you have every right to voice your opinion about childbirth, and she should respect that opinion. Tell her how you feel, that you are concerned about her and the baby. You can explain that, if there are complications, you could lose her, or both her and the baby, and wither of those would be very hard on you. If you two have a good relationship, the childbirth decision will be something you both agree to.

One thing she may not realize, is that giving birth in a hospital is also completely natural. The medical staff is there to help, and to take care of things if needed.

Mantinziza · Answer

I was the polar opposite, i wanted my better half to have an at home natural birth.
But she went to the hospital and got the epidural, and now complains about back pain.

so catch 22's on every spectrum.

There really is no right answer, i'd just say let her play it her way.

And pro tip, if u gotta cut the umbilico cord, its not lick snipping string, you gotta put some umph into those scissors and cut that fucker, id say get a good set of titanium snips.

Honestly youd be surprised how tough that fuckin thing is , also dont forget about the after birth, works good as garden fertilizer actually, and good luck.

HighlyVolatile · Answer

What's wrong with telling her what to do? :-D I think I just dug my own grave on this site.

But you know, if you do it right, and she feels like she can really trust you to protect her and you take full responsibility, you can lead here. She voluntarily likes you to lead because she trusts you to stand in front of the metaphorical fan if the shit hits the fan and protect her from the flying shit.

Maybe I might have a bit of a different dynamic and way of doing things. If it's a matter of persuasion, I suppose you could just make your case with her about how much safer it is in a hospital and probably far less stressful.

dustybiker · Answer

How far away from a hospital are you. Do you have medical services local to you or do you live in the middle of a desert?
If she made a choice to do this I doubt she made it without thinking it through. She decided on what makes her comfortable.
Talk to her. Don’t expect her to change her mind though.

FictionalCharacter · Answer

I want natural birthing too. I’ve heard and read stories from women going into labor at the hospital. That they claim are stressful environment, from yelling, arguments and abusive night nurses.

Whereas it’s easy and more comfortable giving labor at home.

jshm2 · Answer

Tell her there is no reward for the silliness she is engaging in.

Even poor people in Africa go to the hospital to give birth when they can. This is because they understand that if shit goes wrong, there is a doctor and nurse handy. Your wife is just being stupid and cheap.

Sixgunsound · Answer

If you were working on the most important business project of your life, did all the research and had a great advisor in on the project, how would you feel about taking direction from the remaining partner who showed up for one meeting nine months ago😆

Subarugirl · Answer

Having a midwife assisted home birth is actually really safe. The majority of births don’t require major medical intervention. Your wife should be able to give birth where she feels most comfortable. You should bring up your concerns about safety, talk to her doula/midwife, but ultimately you should be respectful of how she chooses to give birth.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I mean she can still have a natural birth at a hospital.

but if she’s dead set on having it at home you could insist that there be a midwife with nursing experience. Or is experienced.

or you could maybe find a doctor who would make a house call and be there just in case or something.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

You could stress to her that her ideals are commendable, but should anything go wrong? lacking hospital facilities could harm the baby, or her for that matter!

skytatoe · Answer

If there are complications, vaginal tearing or the baby doesn't come out, she could bleed out or the baby could suffocate with nothing you can do to help.
Potentially they could both die.
Its highly unlikely that would happen in a hospital.

TrueConfection · Answer

Home births are safe. Speak to a midwife yourself. They'll be happy to answer all your questions and address any concerns.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Having a home birth is perfectly safe. So long as you have a professional there (midwife) and are of course willing to go to the hospital at the first sign of any issues

AvaOneLasTime · Answer

Does she even realise what is she saying?  Real life is not like in the movies. Or like in legends

josephinelcajon · Answer

May I suggest a midwife that is a nurse practitioner. And of course, medical checkups throughout the pregnancy.

slatyb · Answer

She's young. Is she planning to use a midwife? Is there a hospital nearby? She'll be about as safe at home.

exitseven · Answer

You have a big stake in this so your opinion matters. If you feel better if a medical professional was on hand you should be able to have on present.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

How old is your partner? The older she is the higher certain risks. otherwise if the midwives are happy with a planned home birth then get behind her.

joeldalton · Answer

You just tell her that you're concerned that if there are medical complications that something bad will happen to her or the baby. Insist on a doula/midwife at a bare minimum.

t-8900 · Answer

She wants the best for her and baby. It's safe, respect her choice and admire her bravery

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

If there are no premedical conditions , you can do it just have someone very experienced home births were very common once.

Iron_Man · Answer

Is there going to be somebody there that’s a professional that they can deliver the baby or do you have to do it

CuriousMufuxka · Answer

Like you mentioned, it's her choice. There's nobody here or anywhere else than can or should change that. Talk to her.

Fuentes · Answer

Lol idc what she says the min she has that baby I'm calling 911 to help her deliver it and take her to the hospital

AndrésC64 · Answer

Tell her that she's an idiot and she's endangering not only her life but the life of the child.

Anonymous · Answer

My mom was in her late thirty's when she had my sibling at home. Pregnancy is not a disease

OddBeMe · Answer

I read labor can be dangerous even in the hospital. Is it just the drugs? She can tell them no.

msc545 · Answer

Tell her that it's ok with you but that you won't be there.

MrTaboo · Answer

As an EMT, medical intervention has only been mainstream for 150 years

GMANN56 · Answer

You should have 1 response. "I'll help however I can" I assume she has a midwife?

JesseJayNeak · Answer

If I had a wife I’d ask her if she wanted to do it naturally at home

Anonymous · Answer

It’s your child as much as it’s hers and you have every right to voice your concerns.

JoyGirl · Answer

Suggest a water birth at home, with a midwife. :)

skyeee_ · Answer

it's dangerous to do that on ur own..

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Suggest a bath birth for your wife

robinsgroove · Answer

will she have a midwife?

Preeti161101 · Answer

IT is dangerous for baby and mom

Anonymous · Answer

Natural is best. Natural selection.

Wife wants to give birth without any medical intervention. How much can I say without stepping over the line?

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